23 February 2020 - 3:58
Hi, I'm a lesbian (or at the very least I really hope I am!!!) And I've been suffering from what I can only assume is hocd for quite a while
When I realized I'm a lesbian (age 11, I am almost 18 ) it felt natural and good (however I was scared I would die alone). I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for a very long time but the problem is that mine are "atypical", specific guys from my class (occasionally celebrities but not usually) pop into my head and it really stresses me out, I never want to be with a man but sometimes they pop into my head and I blush or get a groinial response and now I'm terrified that I like it!!! I get bad panic attacks and my heart starts palpitating and I feel like my chest is closing up and my face gets very red and I'm so scared that it's a crush! I love my girlfriend very much and I am only attracted to women WHY WONT MY BRAIN LEAVE ME ALONE THE IDEA OF BEING ATTRACTED TO MEN AT ALL SOUNDS HORRIBLE
I have gotten to a point where I am so upset that I'm considering suicide, it's all becoming too much and I'm crying while writing this
I've been diagnosed with ocd but my mom doesn't believe I have it and thinks that I can just "get over it"
Please, I just want a way to get through this on my own, I've tried multiple times to recover but something always triggers me, I have even ended a few friendships with my guy friends because hanging around them would spike my anxiety. I'm just tired and done, I love my girlfriend and I want to recover for her but I don't know if I can, if ocd is truly life long then I'm not sure I want to live anymore.
Just, please, I'm not sure how much longer I can live.