Reverse hocd I hope, but considering s*icide

23 February 2020 - 3:58

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Hi, I'm a lesbian (or at the very least I really hope I am!!!) And I've been suffering from what I can only assume is hocd for quite a while

When I realized I'm a lesbian (age 11, I am almost 18 ) it felt natural and good (however I was scared I would die alone). I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for a very long time but the problem is that mine are "atypical", specific guys from my class (occasionally celebrities but not usually) pop into my head and it really stresses me out, I never want to be with a man but sometimes they pop into my head and I blush or get a groinial response and now I'm terrified that I like it!!! I get bad panic attacks and my heart starts palpitating and I feel like my chest is closing up and my face gets very red and I'm so scared that it's a crush! I love my girlfriend very much and I am only attracted to women WHY WONT MY BRAIN LEAVE ME ALONE THE IDEA OF BEING ATTRACTED TO MEN AT ALL SOUNDS HORRIBLE
I have gotten to a point where I am so upset that I'm considering suicide, it's all becoming too much and I'm crying while writing this
I've been diagnosed with ocd but my mom doesn't believe I have it and thinks that I can just "get over it"

Please, I just want a way to get through this on my own, I've tried multiple times to recover but something always triggers me, I have even ended a few friendships with my guy friends because hanging around them would spike my anxiety. I'm just tired and done, I love my girlfriend and I want to recover for her but I don't know if I can, if ocd is truly life long then I'm not sure I want to live anymore.

Just, please, I'm not sure how much longer I can live.

23 February 2020 - 4:36

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I WOULD RATHER DIE THEN HAVE MY SEXUALITY OR ROMANTIC ORENTATON BE FLUID
if it actually is, then suicide is my only option, if that truly is the case then there is no point to living anymore
I do not want to like men at all, the idea of being with one makes me internally cringe, I want it all to stop

23 February 2020 - 5:03

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I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and I hope my girlfriend can forget me

I can't do this
I can't keep living if I have to deal with this

23 February 2020 - 5:46

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I'm on medication that doesn't work
I have adhd and I have to take that medication and it makes everything worse
I want to die, I want my suffering to end

This post has been thanked 1 time. 23 February 2020 - 13:55

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Hi Hocdhelper,

you would have Sexual Orientation OCD, If we are to label it. But as many have said on here, best to just call it OCD. (also, I hope Blade is reading this - it might help him see some stuff!)

As many have said on here, you have to accept the thoughts not fight them. The more you fight them the more 'real' they will get and you are giving them power. Agree with all the thoughts, and they will die down. I know this sounds impossible, but you have to not give them an argument.

Then you HAVe to get therapy. If you are feeling suicidal you need to act now. Get help - urgently.

I don't know about ADHD medication, but I would look with a therapist or doctor at how that effects ocd. You said 'mom' so I assume you are in the USA, and I know they love to medicate everyone there but in my opinion its not always the best for ADHD.

23 February 2020 - 17:23

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I am on ADHD medication because I am barely a functioning person otherwise, even if I didn't have OCD, I would still be a complete mess
My psychiatrist asked if I want to try an SSRI but I have been hesitant. I've fixed my diet quite a bit and walk a lot, which is what I wanted to do before I tried any new meds. I have heard horrible things about SSRIs but they might be my best option.
I have heard that ADHD medication is horrible for people with OCD, however untreated ADHD has hurt my family a lot and discounting my intrusive thoughts I am better than I've been in years (despite considering suicide). One last thing is that I have been suspected to have a personality disorder since the age of 13, it is still brought up but a conclusion has never occurred
I hope that explains my situation a bit better, I self harmed and my gf had me text my therapist, she's so sweet and I never want to put her under that kind of stress again

23 February 2020 - 21:44

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HOChelper you are terrified of being attracted to men, that is why your ocd is coming for this theme. in reality if you were attracted to men on some level, nothing bad would happen. You need to accept the possibility it could be true and sit with that anxiety for your brain to realise this.

If you are feeling suicidal right now, please do seek help immediately. OCD is a horrid disorder, but it can be beaten and this moment will be insignificant in the grand scheme of your life...there is so much to live for. 

 

25 February 2020 - 6:13

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I didn't do any of my compulsions today but a male celebrity popped up on my TL on twitter and I'm HORRIFIED that it was attraction, then when I went back to check I felt nothing but I'm crying I want my brain to stop I want to stop posting here but it's so hard
I hate OCD, my life is a wreck

26 February 2020 - 21:39

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SRI's are not soo bad in lower doses. The main issue I had when on them was my sex drive died. But tbh its died now anyway due to anxiety. so maybe worth a shot? You can always go off them if you hate them after a bit. I did two months, then dropped them. Glad i treid em as now i know what it feels like. It's not as scary as i thought. i put it off for years. but tbh its just like any other drugs, they make you feel different - it can help in the short term esp if sfeeling suicidal!

26 February 2020 - 21:42

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Blade - you still haven't got rule 101 of accepting the thoughts. and YES this is same for all ocd even POCD. you have to accept 'em to let the power decrease they have on you.

Imagine if someone with POCd accepted the thoughts, then they found out they were a pedo. Could happen right? But mostly... it doesn't. So think about HOCD, could happen right? Yep. But mostly doesn't. but COULD happen.

You have got to roll with it. It could happen it might not happen, who knows mate. But one thing is for sure - none of that is as bad as constantly trying to figure out your sexuality through a FORUM. Noone will tell you. EVER.

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