11 June 2019 - 16:20
I've had POCD (I hope) on and off for about 2 years. Things that happened before bother me, especially this:
I don't remember when or where this was, maybe when I was 11-12 but I think I remember a situatuon where I felt some sort of arousal/attraction to my cousin who is 5 years younger, it was like my brain and body were telling me that I want it and like it, want to do weird things to him, there was some tingly warm feeling in my body and nervousness, but different from when you have a crush. But at the back of my head it also felt like it was not right and I shouldn't be thinking this and it didn't fill me with usual joy that other attractions did, it was like 'why am I getting this feeling, it shouldn't be like this', somehow uneasy. Back then I thought nothing of this.I also was never attracted to any other kids then and certainly am not now.
I am like 90% sure this happened, but can't remember when or where or exactly how I felt, and that is why I hope it is a false memory. If it isn't does this after all make me a pedophile?