1 October 2020 - 15:22
Well, my name is P., Im from Spain and although I have never had a proper diagnosis, the fact is that I have anxiety. Yes, if Im here is because I have some sort of anxiety indeed. The fact that I made a lot of research and that I found this forum explains itself. I suspect that I have Pure O, because throught my life I experience some symptoms that apparently matches with the ilness.
Well, I have always been very shy and inward, but I managed to become a friendly person and very open minded. Thing is that everytime I am assaulted by intrusive thoughts. Some are entirely normal since as far as Im concerned, everybody has them. But I really doubt that everyone thinks about stabbing his dad while cooking in the kitchen with a sharp knife in their hands, or things about hitting his mate when he is sitted next driving, or breaking or distroying the presents given by the beloved ones just to make them suffer; or hanging GF, or make her suffer in an horrendous way. Those are thoughst that terrify me, but instantly go away. A big more deal are the ones about lies to my GF. When I mean lies I am not referring to the "common ones", but lies that implies not telling the truth about any single detail. Yes, for me cheating is almost unthinkable. Although obviously I lie because It is unwise to tell the truth about every field of your personal life as far as Im concerned. But yes, if I do not tell the truth, not avoiding it, I feel miserable, and cant stop thinking on it.
I have a lot of examples on this respect. The rumination thing. Whenever I go partying, the nex day and the day after my mind is constantly looking for mistakes I could have made while I was drunk. Yes I had problems with alcohol, and there was a time when I used to mix it with MDMA, marihuana, hashish, cocaine and speed. Makes me forget about intrusive thoughts and I feel invincible, confident, and makes me feel the environment as safe (I know that it is the opposite).
So I basically spend my hours searching for any detail in order to be calm and reassure me that I said nothing inapropiate. I make in my mind "party remakes". Because I tend to be inward, remember? And when I drink I dont give a f***. Thing is that the day after is hell. Pretty much than the day before indeed.
At this point I would like to say..SORRY ABOUT MY GRAMMAR, MY DENSITY AND MISTAKES.
I continue....I always feared talking to girls. Not because Im timid, although I am. But because I fear that they could think that Im trying something with them. Same happens with boys, or kids or infants: they could think, or someone around, that Im trying to do something nasty. Not everytime happens this, I recall one day when I was talking with my students after classes and I was so scared that I could kiss one of them that I was about to run away (its a saying). And, I researched on the internet several times wether Im gay or not due to the fact that I like gay porn and trans porn, and I enjoyed fantasizing with that. In fact, I have everytime intrusive sexual thoughts but also heterosexual. I think this is related with the taboo thing that turns me on and compensates my lack of dopamine, because I tried sex with men and It was, personally, disgusting. It was my experience sorry. Maybe Id like to enjoy but I didnt. Maybe it is due to my religious or moral (christian) scrupulosity because I studied in a catholic school. Nevertheless I was high when doing it and even though I didnt like it and I felt miserable about that time after. I kept researching and researching.....Still dont know the answer, although I have a meaninful and longlasting relationship with a girl, and I really like sex with her. I have been very promiscuous with girls also, but dont like it in the end. Its more that I like the idea more than doing it.
I sometimes get stuck readin or studying in my thoughts, and I cant continue my reading unless I solve my internal problem and Im in the mood. Also i procastinate every single task that implies a little bit of will, I hoard everything because fear of need items after, I also chech several times wether I lock the doors or the lights/house alarm are swithched.
OH! This one..Im so scared to run over a pedestrian in the city center that I try to avoid going by car. Also I reread emails several times before I send theme because I am scared something wrong was said. Same like Whatsapp messages: I try hard for anyone not to be offended. I do always apologize a lot, and I say thanks many many many times. One may think that Im either honest and stupid. Maybe Im both, I think the latter fits me most. I totally lack of character, and when violent ocasions comes, I am paralized or brutal. No middle term. I am the white black boy, everything or nothing thinking. Perfectionist. Better not to start a proyect or a task if its NOT PERFECT. I end thinks quickly, in the last minute, and obviously, its NOT PERFECT. But I live for my preocupations. I live things before and worry about them. I regret the time I was thinking in another thing and not living the moment. I do also regret the time I am regreting not being living the moment.
THE LIST GOES ON.....
Once I thought I had asperger and I made doctors test me several time, X rays....I dont have asperger. Recently I made my 3 AIDS test and hepatitis, because Im scared that in the past I could have been infected and my GF could suffer the consequences. I am pretty much terrified about what could happen to others rather than to myself, but I consider myself a selfish person after all.
What do you think about my symptoms? Its like Id like to have OCD in order to start some sort of treatment. I gave up alcohol and Im starting therapy. Once more. But the truth is that Im very anxious for a dagnosis.
Well, I love you all!!! feel free to reply or not, I know this has been dull and of very poor writing. In any case, I wish u the best because u all deserve it. But I feel that I dont. I do not think too much in the future because I feel the whole time like a kid, inwards.