Pure-O: Everything triggers me

16 February 2020 - 20:15

Profile Image
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Hi, guys, so, two years ago, an event happened to me where I was just asking myself if I am the antichrist (Pure-O made me do it, had some type of Scrupulosity). I was scared I "might" have some "special" powers, and just tried to confirm the fact that I do not actually have them. I tried that by "trying to activate my powers" while looking for an answer to a problem at the chemistry class, and actually found the answer. My "mental collapse" began with that event. Now, I am scared I might "influence" other people involuntarily. For example, "What if I am able to make that girl begin talking to me, by activating my powers?". These thoughts sound absurd, but at that moment they seem so real. And the worst part is that I often experience coincidences like the girl coming to me or just saying "Hi" to me, and that makes me feel horrible.

Ok, back to the present now. I began having "depressive" episodes, and maybe because of my thoughts. In the 10th grade, I felt so 'guilty' about those 'powers', about the fact that I might have 'cheated' life, and felt extremely depressed. I began feeling better through the years (2 years passed since then), and began asking myself if I was (or still am) psychotic. If I have schizophrenia. My therapist confirmed the fact that I have Pure-O, and told me that I shouldn't worry about schizophrenia. I still am very scared.

Right now, I can't find inner peace. Read about the fact that schizophrenia causes some disorganised thinking, and I always feel that I don't pay 100% atention to the people that are talking to me, or that I may act sometimes weird towards those around me. I actually began being very sarcastic in the last months, and I'm scared again about the possibility of having schizophrenia.

I recognize the absurdity of the thoughts, but those obsessions went too far and I don't know what to do. Is depression and overanalyzing everything around me a sign of OCD? Or am I psychotic?

16 February 2020 - 21:51

Forum User
Location: New York City
Join date: Nov 2017
Thanks: 109

Yes, this is all OCD, classic OCD symptoms as your therapist said.

I used to have the same problems, even worse because schizophrenia runs in my family so you can only imagine. But believe me, you don't have special powers and you are not psychotic. You definitely have high anxiety, are super hyper aware of your thinking, and are overanalyzing everything around you. You wouldn't know if you were psychotic, people who are "going crazy" don't know they are "going crazy", they think everything is completely fine. People with OCD overthink, overthink, and overthink again. You know the thoughts are absurd that's one thing people with OCD have, they know their thoughts make no sense, but that doesn't stop them from obsessing. OCD can mimc symptoms.

I like to put quotations around "going crazy" because people have a lot of misconceptions around schizophrenia. Also, don't read about schizophrenia, it will not help you or this obsession.

BEST!

 

19 February 2020 - 20:52

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Thanks for your reply!

20 February 2020 - 0:44

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Mar 2019
Thanks: 136

I've had this same obsession, 'am I possessed, am I the "antichrist"?' etc. I think I might have spoken to you before about it actually lilscope.
I think sometimes we just don't realise just how good we are or how much God loves us, because we can't view ourselves from someone else's perspective. An outsider's. So we get these negative thoughts cropping up and they seem much more credible than they really are.
I would be willing to bet that when Jesus himself was nailed to the Cross he thought... "maybe what the scribes said about me is true? Maybe I am just this evil magician?" After all, it wasn't a fake crucifixion it was entirely real - and very humble souls are always inclined to doubt themselves!
So it could be that you're much more like Jesus than you think you are. And maybe the fact you can't see it confirms it. Probably Jesus didn't feel particularly "Jesus-like" either.
Something to think about anyway. Sorry if I sound a bit morose it's one of those days.

24 February 2020 - 19:22

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Thank you! It is such a relief!

26 February 2020 - 19:04

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Any other advice?

1 March 2020 - 17:42

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Coincidences happened again. That girl didn't react to any of my posts on social media for, like, two weeks. And this morning I was thinking "What if I'm praying to the evil one to make her react to them?". And then I felt anxious, because I was scared I involuntarily prayed to the devil. Two hours later, saw she reacted to three of my posts. If I just sit and think about the whole thing, this sounds irrational, but it still makes me anxious, not knowing how these coincidences are just... coincidences and don't have any special meaning.

What can I do? Are you pretty sure this isn't psychosis?

2 March 2020 - 16:41

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Any advice on how to get over these thoughts?

3 March 2020 - 7:59

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Mar 2019
Thanks: 136

The thing is, the ethics of an action are in the intention. Saying an "involuntary prayer to the devil" is not morally wrong, because it's something that happened to you, not something you did. I have blasphemous thoughts, they used to ruin my life, but now it's just like meh, whatever... because you gradually come to realise that these things are separate from you as a person.
It doesn't actually matter whether your coincidences are strange and remarkable, or just ordinary coincidences. The problem is that you think this distinction matters. Even if really bizarre things did happen, it wouldn't mean you were the antichrist. It would just mean "really bizarre things happened". Nothing more, nothing less. For what it's worth, girls messaging you isn't bizarre anyway - neither is being good at chemistry.

12 March 2020 - 19:34

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Coincidence happened to me again. I just want to get over it, because I know that's just my OCD, but I don't know how.

24 March 2020 - 16:32

Profile
Forum User
Join date: Jul 2017
Thanks: 8

Any opinions?