14 August 2019 - 18:56
So I’m just gonna get straight to the point with this and try and keep the length to a minimum. I hope as masturbating and at the point of orgasm I had intrusive thought of a young girl I’d seen on my phone. (She was literally about 3 or 4.) Basically the thought came in, I went back to thinking about what I’d been focusing on throughout the masturbation- older woman, and then I went back to the image of the little girl (in my mind, not an actual photo). It felt very deliberate and obviously because I was at that “point of no return” my dick went up in sparks over the image.
So why the f**k did I think of that on purpose? I’m literally not a pedophile I’ve had this ocd for 2 years now and even though it’s really bad at the moment I got over thinking I am actually one a long time, and I doubt I’ll ever go back to pondering that. But I deliberately thought of the damn image!!! Whyyyy??? Obviously since then I’ve just felt a constantly feeling of sickness and anxiety, although it’s mostly a feeling of pure disgust and revulsion- as I’m typing this I actually have a sicky feeling in my throat.
Can ocd make you deliberately think of an image that relates to the ocd you have? I have had similar experiences before but never quite as obvious as this one, I really did deliberately think of it, I think maybe it’s to do with the fact that cause I was already orgasming and the fact that I have pocd made my dick feel particularly tingly over that image, and so it just kind of attached itself to it...?
I don’t know, I feel so so horrible as it feels like I did like the image, otherwise why else did I return to it after it had already popped up in my head? But please give me an honest answer on what you think of this and I will be very grateful no matter what that answer is. Thank you very much.