3 August 2019 - 0:27
Hi there. I am new to this forum and I was wondering if I can get some support and advice from some distressing thoughts I've been having.
A few days ago, I read an article online about how someone was messaging inappropriate things to an underage girl on social media. I just remember thinking that was wrong and really messed up, but then all of a sudden I started questioning myself too. I suddenly thought of one of the students from the daycare school that I work at and couldn't get rid of the pedophile OCD thought (I think it is, but I'm not completely sure). The student is a boy who is around 6 or 7 years old and during the first few times that I saw him (since he's a fairly new student), I thought that he was cute and handsome. And I also noticed that a lot of the girls at the school loved to play with him; they would hold his hand, cling onto his arms, and chase him around a lot of the times. Then I thought "he's going to be a ladies man when he grows up" I didn't find anything wrong about thinking a kid is cute, handsome, or pretty because it's common. But what's bothering me and fueling my obsession over this thought is that sometimes I notice that I look at him/notice him more than the other children in the playground and I think it's because I think he's handsome. I didn't think much of it when I first noticed it, but as soon as I was triggered from the article I read, I became afraid that the reason why I'm looking at him more than other kids while supervising them in the playground is because I find him attractive which is not okay to me and makes me feel like I could be a pedophile. I know I said that I didn't find anything wrong with thinking a kid is handsome, but once I realized that at times I look at him more than other children and having thought that he is handsome before, that only reinforced my fear and I feel like a terrible person who has done something inappropriate. When I try to be rational, I think this could be POCD. But I can't shake the thought that I found him to be cute/handsome and that I looked at him/noticed him more than the other children. I feel disgusting.
I would appreciate any feedback and thoughts on this. Thank you so much.