POCD please help

3 August 2019 - 0:27

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Hi there. I am new to this forum and I was wondering if I can get some support and advice from some distressing thoughts I've been having.

A few days ago, I read an article online about how someone was messaging inappropriate things to an underage girl on social media. I just remember thinking that was wrong and really messed up, but then all of a sudden I started questioning myself too. I suddenly thought of one of the students from the daycare school that I work at and couldn't get rid of the pedophile OCD thought (I think it is, but I'm not completely sure). The student is a boy who is around 6 or 7 years old and during the first few times that I saw him (since he's a fairly new student), I thought that he was cute and handsome. And I also noticed that a lot of the girls at the school loved to play with him; they would hold his hand, cling onto his arms, and chase him around a lot of the times. Then I thought "he's going to be a ladies man when he grows up" I didn't find anything wrong about thinking a kid is cute, handsome, or pretty because it's common. But what's bothering me and fueling my obsession over this thought is that sometimes I notice that I look at him/notice him more than the other children in the playground and I think it's because I think he's handsome. I didn't think much of it when I first noticed it, but as soon as I was triggered from the article I read, I became afraid that the reason why I'm looking at him more than other kids while supervising them in the playground is because I find him attractive which is not okay to me and makes me feel like I could be a pedophile. I know I said that I didn't find anything wrong with thinking a kid is handsome, but once I realized that at times I look at him more than other children and having thought that he is handsome before, that only reinforced my fear and I feel like a terrible person who has done something inappropriate. When I try to be rational, I think this could be POCD. But I can't shake the thought that I found him to be cute/handsome and that I looked at him/noticed him more than the other children. I feel disgusting. 

I would appreciate any feedback and thoughts on this. Thank you so much. 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 3 August 2019 - 0:56

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Hi

I dealt with POCD a couple months back for a while, my obsessions have now shifted to false memory OCD, which is horrible in its own way - but it has made me realise that my POCD obsessions were silly because I can now look at those thoughts with clarity and the no longer affect me.

Mine began like yours, I was sat In class and the teacher played a video about online safety/pedophiles, my first thought was “that’s horrible” which was instantly followed with “what if im a one?” which catalysed this subtype of OCD. The reason this happened and the reason why many obsessions start like this is because we are terrified of being something that we perceive to be so morally incorrect. 

The way to overcome this is to recognise it as OCD, which I know is so difficult because that’s exactly what your brain doesn’t want you to believe, and cut out compulsions. This is what I’m having to do with my false memory OCD, so I understand how hard it is. 

Your focus has gone into this one boy because you think he is cute in an adorable way, your brain recognised that and then twisted it towards OCD, making you interpret this reaction in a way that disgusts you.

If you ever need a chat, feel free to message me hope you feel better about this soon. Remember that the compulsions fuel the ocd, whether that be ruminating, checking ect. Try your best to cut them out even if it takes time. 

3 August 2019 - 2:55

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Hi Greendolphin

Thank you for your reply and thank you for sharing your story with me. I've dealt with pure OCD, particularly POCD, in the past and I was able to overcome it. Sometimes it would still pop up here and there, but I would usually be able to label it as OCD and move on. 

But for some reason, this time it's been really hard to label it as just OCD. I do find the boy cute as in an adorable kid way, but I do find him handsome as well,  like he looks like he will still be handsome when he grows up. It's this thought plus that I noticed myself looking at him more that makes me feel like I'm being inappropriate. Do you still think that it's just POCD?  

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