23 July 2019 - 21:09
Hello, My name is Steelersfan1997 and I feel like I am going crazy inside of my own head... hopefully only inside of my head. Before i really get into it I will warn people who may read this that it will be very personal and kinda dark. A little backstory, I have had OCD for years now (I am 22 (male and married) and it started probably around 9-11). It started back then with an over excessive fear of storms that had me looking up weather patterns almost every second, and then as I got older and into middle school a fear of the end of the world started (ya know 2012 and all ha), and then it was eventually just worrying about schooling a little to much from high school through college (even switched majors from culinary to business because I thought I wouldn't be good enough). Now into the worse part... and I haven't admitted this to more than 3 people or so, and that's only been in pieces where I thought they wouldn't want to stay away from me forever or hide my family from me. My oldest brother (I have 2 so I'll refer to them as T1 and T2), had twins a little over 2 years ago and I was holding one of them (they are amazing and precious), and I just got this overwhelming feeling of what if I was to ever be a person who would harm a child, only it was so real. I handed my niece back to my Brother and went to my room and cried. I mean how could I think such an awful thing. Ever since then I have had a very heightened sense whenever I am around anyone younger and when I'm not I get very graphic and awful images in my head (especially when I am trying to have romantic moments with my wife, which is awful because its enough for me to have to deal with this, but she didn't sign up for it at all (not that she has backed down from helping as much as she can)), and as with most people the more I try to avoid it that heavier it comes on. I will admit that I haven't been to a therapist in years and I haven't been diagnosed with POCD (mostly out of fear of the Doctor not knowing what it is and misdiagnosing), but its getting so bad that I think I'm headed in that direction. I just had a weekend with my entire family where we went to a theme park. All weekend I had to tell my little nieces and nephews (6 in total), I'll hold you later because it's always constantly nagging in the back of my head. The few times I did hold them I was always thinking could I be holding them wrong, and I always made sure I had family around to watch me. I also road a ride with a nephew and made sure I was in front of my wife and behind my brother because it just seemed necessary. The latest thing ruining my mind (and making me hate myself more and more), is that memories I once cherished are popping into my head and nagging saying you might have done this, or you possibly did that and its getting so hard to tell the difference between fake and reality that I'm worried I somehow did these things. I mean i have only changed one or two diapers in years, but that popped into my head recently just to say what if you wiped to many times, or what if your family shouldn't have trusted you to babysit. I would hope that if I have felt so guilty just thinking them I wouldn't have subconsciously somehow just blocked out the truth until now but its awful. I'm just wandering if I could have possibly done any of the awful things in my mind? Also will therapy and medicine actually help? I have thought over and over of posting on here, but never did, but it's too bad to even try and ignore now... could I possibly be the person inside my head and just be blocking out certain parts of memories... please help!!! Thank you in advance.