POCD PLEASE HELP!!!

This post has been thanked 1 time. 23 July 2019 - 21:09

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Hello, My name is Steelersfan1997 and I feel like I am going crazy inside of my own head... hopefully only inside of my head. Before i really get into it I will warn people who may read this that it will be very personal and kinda dark. A little backstory, I have had OCD for years now (I am 22 (male and married) and it started probably around 9-11). It started back then with an over excessive fear of storms that had me looking up weather patterns almost every second, and then as I got older and into middle school a fear of the end of the world started (ya know 2012 and all ha), and then it was eventually just worrying about schooling a little to much from high school through college (even switched majors from culinary to business because I thought I wouldn't be good enough). Now into the worse part... and I haven't admitted this to more than 3 people or so, and that's only been in pieces where I thought they wouldn't want to stay away from me forever or hide my family from me. My oldest brother (I have 2 so I'll refer to them as T1 and T2), had twins a little over 2 years ago and I was holding one of them (they are amazing and precious), and I just got this overwhelming feeling of what if I was to ever be a person who would harm a child, only it was so real. I handed my niece back to my Brother and went to my room and cried. I mean how could I think such an awful thing. Ever since then I have had a very heightened sense whenever I am around anyone younger and when I'm not I get very graphic and awful images in my head (especially when I am trying to have romantic moments with my wife, which is awful because its enough for me to have to deal with this, but she didn't sign up for it at all (not that she has backed down from helping as much as she can)), and as with most people the more I try to avoid it that heavier it comes on. I will admit that I haven't been to a therapist in years and I haven't been diagnosed with POCD (mostly out of fear of the Doctor not knowing what it is and misdiagnosing), but its getting so bad that I think I'm headed in that direction. I just had a weekend with my entire family where we went to a theme park. All weekend I had to tell my little nieces and nephews (6 in total), I'll hold you later because it's always constantly nagging in the back of my head. The few times I did hold them I was always thinking could I be holding them wrong, and I always made sure I had family around to watch me. I also road a ride with a nephew and made sure I was in front of my wife and behind my brother because it just seemed necessary. The latest thing ruining my mind (and making me hate myself more and more), is that memories I once cherished are popping into my head and nagging saying you might have done this, or you possibly did that and its getting so hard to tell the difference between fake and reality that I'm worried I somehow did these things. I mean i have only changed one or two diapers in years, but that popped into my head recently just to say what if you wiped to many times, or what if your family shouldn't have trusted you to babysit. I would hope that if I have felt so guilty just thinking them I wouldn't have subconsciously somehow just blocked out the truth until now but its awful. I'm just wandering if I could have possibly done any of the awful things in my mind? Also will therapy and medicine actually help? I have thought over and over of posting on here, but never did, but it's too bad to even try and ignore now... could I possibly be the person inside my head and just be blocking out certain parts of memories... please help!!! Thank you in advance.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 24 July 2019 - 6:26

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Yes therapy and medicine will help, you'll still get bad days but you'll also get more good days and coping mechanisms to help with the bad days. Speak to your gp. The fact that these thoughts upset you so much is proof in itself you wouldn't do or have done anything, the problem we have is we over think and analyse the thoughts instead of just letting them go.

28 July 2019 - 0:01

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Hey friend. First off, you are not crazy. Second, you are not alone. Probably feels good to put it into words. I want to recommend a book — Overcoming Harm OCD. While your obsessions is more sexual this is a form of harm. I listened to the audio version and it was life changing.

All you have listed hits home with me. Imagine this: I was laying in bed with my wife rubbing my hands through her hair to relax and the thought came into my head that she was laying there dead and that maybe it was me that did it. I have also had the thought that she was already dead and maybe her being there was an illusion! This is the absurdity of OCD.

Hang in there friend. Listen or read that book.

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 1 August 2019 - 22:07

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Thank you both for your replies. I will look into that book Txchickenguy, as an update. I have scheduled my first appointment for next Thursday. It was hard to admit I needed it, but after 2 years it was time to admit defeat and seek help. Bingbong78 it does help to put it in words, it is almost like reading it helps you realize how ridiculous it sounds, so it gives a small reprieve.

This post has been thanked 2 times. 3 August 2019 - 1:13

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Hi, the memory aspect you have of this sounds like false memory OCD, which I have too - the “memories” can feel super real which is the hardest part about it, but they’re illusions created by your brain. There’s quite a few videos about it on YouTube, Ali Greymond is great at explaining exactly what it is and how to recover from it. 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 4 August 2019 - 0:23

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If medicine doesnt help, there are other alternatives to that and therapy, there is deep brain stimulation and ECT. Also try not to give up, I had real bad ocd some years ago and tried ECT and the intrusive thoughts of images of "sick things" (to me) went away, its like a sad, anxiety swollen brain gets overwhelmed and creates things that usually me as individual doesnt like so it gives me even more anxiety that from the start. When my brain was well, ocd doesnt exist. 

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