30 March 2019 - 21:12
So I am an 18 year old male, and hoping this is POCD. I never had attraction to kids before this thing, that I can say for sure, but I have done so much checking that I can't tell what is real anymore.
I don't feel anxiety when thinking about little kids or any arousal for that matter. The age that gets me is 11-12, so borderline puberty. I once haven't felt any attraction for this age group too, but now it feels so real and when I "fantasize" about them (It seems willingly at first but actually it feels like my mind is forcing me to think it and feel good about it) it sometimes feels "good", like 95% genuine for a while, but after that I freak out, get crazy anxious and guilty. It is sometimes so real that it can spin me for a long time and I can't tell it is not real, I really hope it is not. When I analyze it later though, I ussually find that when I was "fantasizing" I didn't actually do anything inappropriate to that kid, it is just that
I get good feeling arousal from anybody I find physically attractive, but not in a sexual way.
But, and this is driving me crazy, sorry if too graphic, I get that same feeling when I think of cuddling that 11-12 year old and picturing her say to me that she wants her first kiss makes me think aww that is beautiful but not like I want to kiss her, no way( also conditioned myself so now it feels like I do for a few moments, then eww no disgusting). This thought felt good today for quite a while and not wrong, though I was still anxious when I think about it, I even had arousal, but I did not want that part. Now when I remember, that thought followed the previous one that was about a girl my age, could arousal and good feeling just carry on?
Could it be that I have screwed up my body and mind responses so badly that intrusive thoughts can give me good feeling sometimes because I conditioned it with scenarios I really like, or is it just a normal response and not crazy at all, because everytime i REALLY focus on the visual aspect of the fact it is a kid it turns me off, but before that it feels "good" but like good that is forcing itself into my mind? Is my brain just thinking it is generic sexual content and just gives a good feeling automatically? Also, is it wrong to be aroused when thinking of girls puberty starting to develop adult characteristics? I don't know anymore seriously, all I know is that I don't want to be a pedophile. If this is POCD, how can I stop checking and lose this response? Sorry for the long rant.