2 May 2018 - 20:21
I'll try to keep this breif, but it might become pretty extensive.. I have a great fear that I might be a pedophile, and over the last week I have become pretty sure that I am. Hopefully it is my brain that is messing with me but there are multiple signs that can't be anything else than actual pedophilia, But I DON'T WANT IT TO BE!!
To give a brief background: I am an 18 year old gay male who has been diagnosed with OCD and over the last couple of months I have had lots and lots of intrusive thoughts. These thoughts have been so scary (!!), including for example intrusive thoughts about taking my own life and hurting or killing someone close to me. Connected to these thoughts there have been a lot of checking, and I mean a lot. A constant checking of wheather these feelings and thoughts are true or not, for example walking by a steep cliff to see if i would actually jump or not. These thoughts have now been absent for about two weeks but instead I've started realizing things about my history that has brought up the thought "I am a pedophile, that describes it all".
To begin with, I have read a lot about pedophilia and POCD over the last weeks and i can't stop! I have to know whether I am a pedophile or not! I Can't live with myslef and be happy if i don't certainly know if this is pedophilia or not. If it is I know i would never be able to be happy again! I would feel so grossed out by myself that I would rather not live than live as a pedophile.
The story starts with the fact that i haven't ever had sex but have a huge sex drive as most boys do around my age. The reason I haven't had sex is that I am not very comfortable around boys my own age (mostly, i hope, because i am gay and can't really relate to them but i have read this is typical for pedophiles. I have many close girlfriends around my age but i still worry about feeling more comfortable with kids, when it comes to boys, than boys my own age). However i have long been mastrubating, since I was 12, and always had the tendency to look at boys around me in a sexual way (for example looking at their ass and picturing them naked). This tendency is still strong and I often, almost daily, consume porn and mastrubate (which i know is an addiction).
I have always been very interested in sex and have looked at boys both my own age, older and younger, which i still do. However what disturbes me is that I have looked at teens way younger than me (about 13-14) and thought of them in a sexual way - even thinking about having sex with them and felt attraction. What's worrying is that I have not realized that this is inappropriate up until now. In one week now i have constantly been checking whether this attraction is real or something else by looking at pictures of younger boys on instagram for example (fully dressed of course - i would never watch CP). What worries me is that i think i actually find them attractive which i don't want to. Same goes with teens in real life. Regarding children younger than 12-13 years I have never before these two weeks thought of in a sexual way (except looking at children and thinking "he will become a nice looking man". However once i remeber looking at a childs ass (which is totally gross) but not because i felt attraction but because it is i manner (i hope). After starting to question whether i am a pedophile or not I have starting to check to see if i feel attraction to these children, which I, when I first started, didn't do but now sometimes get a feeling that I do. My brain goes like: if you think a 13 year old is attractive why don't you think that even younger ones are attractive, and so it goes on. I don't want to be a pedophile and i desperately hope that this is some wierd sexual development inside me that will pass. I would never hurt a child and I would never act out any of my thoughts and feelings (even the ones regarding older boys (boys older than me) if these boys didn't want to). This is not the part that i am worried about. I will never hurt a child. What i am worried about is that i will never be able to live with myself if this attraction is real and not normal (which i don't think it is) or connected to my sexual desperation in some way. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.
I don't believe that this is POCD and whatever i search for confirms that feeling. I am 99% Sure I am a pedophile, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE. I feel terrible saying that but I am so scared of being one that I better prepare for the worst and assume that I am. I just want it to be POCD connected to a lot of checking but that can't describe my actual attraction to teens. Or is it attraction? Or is it just my body looking for everything that might be sexually relevant? The fact that I have had this feeling of interest for a long time and right about now discovered them as inappropriate really worries me. Or is it natural? I really hope it is but I don't think it is natural. These thoughts really freak me out as i think it is terrible to hurt children in any way! Or is it just me trying to think that way? I'm so confused and scared!!
What gives me hope is that i have never before looked at a child (clearly immature, i.e. Children under 12-13) in a sexual way, wanting to have sex with them, NEVER! And I think I never will do (when these intrusive thoughts go away). But looking at teens can't be natural. I hate myself! I don't want this to happen!!
I hope you are not offended by this post.