Pocd massive spike! Afraid of huge urges

21 April 2019 - 21:15

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I thought my pocd was finally going away, I thought I was about to be cured. I literally just had a massive spike for the past hour and I really need your help!

Basically I was masturbating to a sexual fantasy about this guy who was actually 2 years older than me and I was happy (im gay). I had a few images of kids popping up again during it but I immediately stopped until the thoughts went away and then continued my fantasy with this guy. Honestly it felt good during the climb up but when I climaxed i literally felt nothing. I didn't feel joy or that feeling of orgasm. I just felt like I masturbated and that was it.

So I didn't think that much of it until i decided 10 mins later to go get food from this takeaway, I was driving and a thought came into my head like "maybe you didn't enjoy it because he wasn't a young person" this gave me a minor spike but then i had a feeling this was the pocd talking (again haven't been given a diagnosis yet, but I believe I have pocd as I relate to alot of what people say). So I decided to ignore it and carry on trying to be positive.

And then I arrived at the takeaway place and I was waiting in line, but the problem was there was kids there and there was this one kid in front of me. I all of a sudden was feeling weird and it felt like i had the strong urge to touch him. This was making me really scared and this is what gave me this huge spike. I never had this urge before and now I'm in complete panic! I thought I had pocd but now I'm developing new things like this huge Urge! There was no groinal responses but there was this weird feeling In my stomach when I see all these young ones. And now I'm scared I'm getting these intense attractions and urges to young ones and I'm really really scared!

I need help with this, I'm 20 and ever since i was 12 I always crushed on guys who were my age but never in a sexual way. I always felt like romantic attraction only to them. I only started feeling sexual about guys my age about a couple of months ago but these feelings about young ones which scares me and pocd started 1 month ago. Is it possible I'm just a late P??

The problem is is that I always believed true ps enjoyed their fantasies and attractions but then when I'm down I can't keep focusing on this as new symptoms emerges every time I have a major spike. Its like its getting worse as the days drag on. I feel like I hate these feelings but my mind is like "youre just hiding and I really do like these thoughts and urges". I used to enjoy fantasies with guys my age like going out and about, sex, enjoying each other's time. But then when I have these with kids I feel scared but now I'm so confused as I can't tell anymore.

I really hope this is all pocd trying to be the worst. Im scared I'm gonna lose control and act on the horrible touching urges and I'm really really scared. It's getting worse by the days. Please guys can you help? Have you all experienced these urges before? Is it normal and will i be able to trust myself not to do them?

21 April 2019 - 21:53

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Huge note another panic, I remember this scene from the Inbetweeners (it's a uk show incase people didn't know). About this guy who went into his girlfriend's house at night to surprise her by climbing through her window and went to gently touch her knee while she was in bed until he realised that he went into the wrong bedroom and he actually was rubbing her younger brother. I instantly thought about that scene and literally broke down crying but now I don't know if it's because of how I really enjoy it or because i really dislike it. I really hope this is all ocd. I heard it can drag you to the edge of urges and then forcefully bring you back like it makes you feel this is what you want but it's not what you want at all. Now everytime i think of this scene I'm getting these huge groinal responses and I don't want it!!

This post has been thanked 1 time. 22 April 2019 - 7:31

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Hi! 

I am in the same boat much like you, I am gay and my intrusive thoughts started around your age, I am 24 now and still from time to time get them. I refuse to believe I am a P... for one thing I live my life on a do no harm principle and for another I have only ever slept and felt a strong sexual connection to guys older than me. However OCD doesn’t listen to reason... it’s one of those things that will find any way to sow doubt in you. The best you can do is just let the thoughts come and naturally go, which is easier said than done. No one can say what your sexuality is or isn’t (as you know being gay) so asking for an answer to that question won’t help you. Are you seeing someone? Or taking medication? If not I would recommend seeing your doctor to start a treatment plan and to formalise a diagnosis! It may seem daunting but it’s crucial to take those steps to get on the road to recovery. I waited far to long to seek help and I regret it immensely, only now is my life back on track again, I am back at Uni and my social life has been repaired but I waited and lost a lot of stuff.  I take medication and see a psychiatrist and Psychologist from time to time and that’s helped me get it under control. Start by seeing your doctor (if you haven’t already).

Lastly, don’t let yourself feel down, you are never alone!

22 April 2019 - 16:30

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Thank you so much for your inspiring words! I feel back to normal today which is nice thank you again

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