POCD ? I don’t know anymore

27 October 2020 - 13:15

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Hello everyone, this is my first time on this forum and I honestly hoped I would never have to post something here, but I’m really tired of this so I’m gonna do it anyway.

I’m 22 year old. My passion is mostly about gaming, mangas or movies. I was supposed to be straight, and I loved children to the point I wanted to find someone in my life and become a father someday. But honestly, I don’t thing I deserve anything, having friends, being loved, being happy. Nah I don’t deserve any of that.

Here’s why (TW I think):

First of all, I have a foot fetish. Now you must surely see me as a creep, and I would perfectly understand, I think I am one myself. About sex, let’s say it’s always been a subject I tried to avoid in life, because it doesn’t really interest me, when it comes to love, I prefer to listen to my heart but then again, I feel like a hypocrite for saying that. I never masturbated nor watched porn because I find it bad. When there’s a pic of a woman being in a sexually provocative pose and almost showing  everything, I avoid it. Not because I’m not attracted to women, but because I prefer soft pictures when it comes to this. But, knowing my fetish and all, I think this wouldn’t change anything so again, I’m a hypocrite.

Now let’s talk more about the OCD, and how it started :

It has been four months since I had this in my mind. I was playing a game featuring a high-school teenager who was 16. In this game you can date any of the hero’s female teammates. I admit I was attracted to one of them and I saw people my age being in the same page on social media so I thought it was ok, even though the character is 15 years old. Well, the problem was about social media. And a lot of posts were mocking this dating thing (I’d like to say I didn’t really play the game for that, but mostly for the story, characters and music) by saying « The fans of this game are p* » « Look at this bunch of p* choosing which underaged girl is hot (they’re 15-17) ». So I was annoyed by these posts telling to myself, it couldn’t be true. Then there was this post on social media saying « You can say it’s fictional all you want, if you’re attracted by a character supposed to resemble a child then it means you’re attracted to children you sick fucks », this post wasn’t about the game in itself but this time about a little anime girl aged of 19 years old whose face is like the one of a child but with the proportions of a woman, which is kinda weird. Well, after seeing this post, I told to myself : « No, it can’t be true, I can’t be a p* ». And then came the worst thought I would ever had : « I must test myself ».

Before I continue, I’d like to say that IRL I’ve never been attracted to children nor minors .The girls I felt arousal or fell in love with always were my age. About this anime girl, let’s say that obviously I never watched lolicon nor child porn, because who would like watching that ?!

Back to my story : I had a week-end at my grand-parents, and little cousins aged of 8 came. That’s when I tested myself by looking at their feet, telling myself « I don’t even want this, it’s just to know if my penis will react to this ». And what I feared came : I felt like a sensation between my legs, it wasn’t an erection but I felt something. I didn’t feel good and I wanted to check if my penis had and erection. Again, it didn’t. But I wanted to understand what happened. Back to my home, I couldn’t sleep, I had nausea with a feel of self-disgust, telling myself « No I can’t be a p* I can’t be a p* that’s impossible ». I was trembling. Being a p* was really the last thing I wanted to be. I know I would never try to do such things to a child, but being attracted to them is still horrible, and I don’t want that. And before I could learn it was OCD, I stayed multiple days on my bed with the feeling of self-disgust and shame. Since then, I lost weight and was losing hair. 

Now you must think this is clearly OCD. And I like to feel the same. One think OCD likes to do is searching in the past. Why do I say I am an hypocrite ? Because I think there’s actually a proof that I could be one, here it is :

This time, it’s about another video game character, a blue robot and maybe some of you will now who I’m talking about. It’s precisely about her sister. Well, I admit I was attracted to her since high school (weird, considering it’s a robot right ?). There was a mobile game about this blue robot with a summer event where all the female characters were in a swimsuit, and so was her. So, since it was the first time I could see her feet, I wanted too see and there we go, I was aroused. So what’s wrong with this ? Well, she’s clearly a loli. So what’s my excuse for this ? « I didn’t see her as a child » ? « I never watched lolicon and I hate it » ? « I’m only attracted to females my age » ? Nope, I'm just a hypocrite and a piece of shit. Nothing more, nothing less.

And to add fuel to the fire: back to social media, I saw a post about the other game. This time, one of the 15 years old girl was disguised as a maid. One of the comments were: « Look at all these p* trying to defend sexualised minors », one of them responded : « It’s just fiction », then a debate occurred and one of the comments freaked me out: « Here’s a proof. You’re drawing the body of a child, the child poses in a sexually provocative way. You’re attracted by the way this child is shown in the drawing. It’s p*, plain and simple. Fictional or not ».

The final nail to the coffin. Now I know that I’m not a good person. It’s too late. I will stay as the worst of the worst for the rest of my life. I want to die, but I’m to much of a coward for that. I don’t want to go to hell, heaven is something that has always been on my mind, but now I deserve it.

 

Thank you for reading me. And sorry if I creeped you out. If you see me as a monster, it’s ok, because it must be true.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 October 2020 - 13:53

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[comment edited by Moderator]

Maybe don't return to those sites. Give that stuff a good rest at least.

Don't do experiments on yourself. It will only boost your anxiety.

There is no Hell mate. Except the one we make here and now. And we don't deserve it.

Go with the intuition that you are basically a good person.

Talk to your doctor about the possibility of therapy.

27 October 2020 - 14:38

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Well, you know, I talked about this to my therapists, everything. I even wrote it in a book. They were convinced I wasn’t a p*. I talked to this also to my mother, same. Then I talked to my brother. For the mobile game thing I wanna add that it occurred at the time I didn’t have my OCD. Yet, with the comments I read, how could it be OCD ? I mean there’s no reason to be against these people, since they’re fighting against p*, something that is bad and awful. I know I’m creating myself a hell, yet I did mess up in the other way, so I honestly don’t know anymore.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 October 2020 - 15:02

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Your OCD is giving you the run around.

An OCD episode can easily start with some silly f**k up. Usually nothing really bad.

I think this is you, and you've let those comments get to you.

But, seriously, you are a sensitive soul, you are anxious, you now have OCD and it's pretty much unimportant what you did back then. Just a blip.

Go with the insight of your therapist. It's all OCD.

All the best with your therapy.

 

27 October 2020 - 15:31

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Thank you. Yeah, I know. I’m usually aware of what people say, so I wanna do my best to be someone they consider to be good. It’s just that p* in general scares me, it’s something extremely complex because it doesn’t only apply to offenders.

I’m supposed to see my psychiatrist this Thursday. I hope to find a way to get rid of this OCD and get back to my usual life one day.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 October 2020 - 22:56

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Hey there  

Firstly, I wanna tell you that you're neither scum, nor a loser. I've had similar worries because I'm also into anime and mangas as well as games. Even if for you it doesn't feel like it, a fictional character is and will stay a fictional character. Of course our OCD will get stuck on this topic though. 

Quote:
Before I continue, I’d like to say that IRL I’ve never been attracted to children nor minors .The girls I felt arousal or fell in love with always were my age. About this anime girl, let’s say that obviously I never watched lolicon nor child porn, because who would like watching that ?!

You already gave yourself your answers. OCD might not be satisfied with this, in fact, it never is satisfied. Unfortunately...

You are NOT a bad person, you suffer from OCD, that is all. No one believes you are a bad person either and one day, you will be nicer to yourself as well.

Even if you felt arousal, you felt it because you like the image of feet. That's all.

Best of luck!

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