27 September 2020 - 23:08
Hello, I’m new to this forum and have waited days for my account to be activated so I could ask for some help lol. I am 16 year old female and I believe I have POCD and HOCD. This all started 2 months ago. I was playing with my little cousin and my eyes unconsciously went to her private parts (wearing clothes). I instantly had a panic attack as to why I was looking there and why I felt like that , was it because I was sexually attracted to that area of her body ... was I a pedophile? What would happen if I touched there ? I had the worst anxiety attack after that and I felt so bad and dangerous. I couldn’t get near her or play with her or even stay in the same room as her after that. After that incident, my life became a living hell. I spent all day every day having intrusive thoughts and images about her and other children. This felt like I was being tortured. I was being punished by God. It didn’t feel like me, I was not myself anymore. I remember once I had an urge to look up cp , but I quickly shook it off and I didn’t think about it again untill now. Now I feel like everyday is me fighting this crippling urge to watch these disgusting videos and I know that I DO NOT WANT TO do this but there’s always that voice going ‘oh just do it, come on’ or ‘just do it to see if you are actually attracted to it’ and at first I had curiosities to see what it was but now I feel so bad that I even had the curiosity to even think about doing that. When I was younger , like 10 years old I sexually experimented with my brother , cousin and friend. This haunts me ever day now... ‘does this mean I’m a pedophile, is this all early symptoms of pedophilia? ‘ I feel so bad and guilty that I did those things and I even looked on google to see if these were normal things that all young children do. I feel like such a sexual freak at times and that I deserve to be locked up in some hospital. I started watching porn at a young age, out of curiosity and then I started masturbating. Now I’m having crippling thoughts as to this is why I’m like this right now. This NEVER seemed to bother me before but now I’m really scared if I have some type of addiction or weird sexual fetish. I was exploring my body after all. During school I feel a lot better, but on the weekends all I do is cry and cry because of these thoughts and doubts I’m having. It feels like Hell . It feels like torture. I hate it so much. I pray to God everyday to fix me and give me strength . However, the anxiety has kind of decreased since the first time it started, but everything else is the same, in fact worse. I keep fearing that I’m just using ocd as an excuse And that I’m actually being a pedophile. Whenever I see a child I can’t help but think am I sexually attracted to it? Oh and I have these weird urges to look at a child’s bum and legs???? How weird is that when I can’t even bare to look at an advert that’s got a baby or small child in it. I have never ever been sexually attracted to children , or never thought of doing these nasty stuff to them . Before I remember having fears like if my mum would die rn , or if the world would end. Or stuff like health ocd where I would think I have some sort of serious health condition. It’s starting to bother me rn. These thoughts are killing me every day . I would love playing with kids and being around them , now I can’t even look at one without thinking disgusting thoughts . I always wanted to be a mother, now that is not going to happen in fear I would do something to them.
HOCD - so I am having thoughts about me being a lesbian, because I masturbate to lesbian porn, but I don’t want to have a girlfriend or be a lesbian. I don’t have nothing against them I just don’t wanna be one. This scares me so much. I’ve always had boyfriends. I always have been attracted to girls. However, I would have occasional weird thoughts about having lesbian sex with my friends , not because I like them just because I wanna see how it feels. Are these all ocd ??? Please someone help me I wanna kill myself so I don’t have to go through this. I’m searching for a prayer ... anyone?