POCD HOCD help please

27 September 2020 - 23:08

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Hello, I’m new to this forum and have waited days for my account to be activated so I could ask for some help lol. I am 16 year old female and I believe I have POCD and HOCD. This all started 2 months ago. I was playing with my little cousin and my eyes unconsciously went to her private parts (wearing clothes). I instantly had a panic attack as to why I was looking there and why I felt like that , was it because I was sexually attracted to that area of her body ... was I a pedophile? What would happen if I touched there ? I had the worst anxiety attack after that and I felt so bad and dangerous. I couldn’t get near her or play with her or even stay in the same room as her after that.  After that incident, my life became a living hell. I spent all day every day having intrusive thoughts and images about her and other children. This felt like I was being tortured. I was being punished by God. It didn’t feel like me, I was not myself anymore. I remember once I had an urge to look up cp , but I quickly shook it off and I didn’t think about it again untill now. Now I feel like everyday is me fighting this crippling urge to watch these disgusting videos and I know that I DO NOT WANT TO do this but there’s always that voice going ‘oh just do it, come on’ or ‘just do it to see if you are actually attracted to it’ and at first I had curiosities to see what it was but now I feel so bad that I even had the curiosity to even think about doing that. When I was younger , like 10 years old I sexually experimented with my brother , cousin and friend. This haunts me ever day now... ‘does this mean I’m a pedophile, is this all early symptoms of pedophilia? ‘ I feel so bad and guilty that I did those things and I even looked on google to see if these were normal things that all young children do. I feel like such a sexual freak at times and that I deserve to be locked up in some hospital. I started watching porn at a young age, out of curiosity and then I started masturbating. Now I’m having crippling thoughts as to this is why I’m like this right now. This NEVER seemed to bother me before but now I’m really scared if I have some type of addiction or weird sexual fetish. I was exploring my body after all. During school I feel a lot better, but on the weekends all I do is cry and cry because of these thoughts and doubts I’m having. It feels like Hell . It feels like torture. I hate it so much. I pray to God everyday to fix me and give me strength . However, the anxiety has kind of decreased since the first time it started, but everything else is the same, in fact worse. I keep fearing that I’m just using ocd as an excuse And that I’m actually being a pedophile. Whenever I see a child I can’t help but think am I sexually attracted to it? Oh and I have these weird urges to look at a child’s bum and legs???? How weird is that when I can’t even bare to look at an advert that’s got a baby or small child in it. I have never ever been sexually attracted to children , or never thought of doing these nasty stuff to them . Before I remember having fears like if my mum would die rn , or if the world would end. Or stuff like health ocd where I would think I have some sort of serious health condition. It’s starting to bother me rn. These thoughts are killing me every day . I would love playing with kids and being around them , now I can’t even look at one without thinking disgusting thoughts . I always wanted to be a mother, now that is not going to happen in fear I would do something to them.  

HOCD - so I am having thoughts about me being a lesbian, because I masturbate to lesbian porn, but I don’t want to have a girlfriend or be a lesbian. I don’t have nothing against them I just don’t wanna be one. This scares me so much. I’ve always had boyfriends. I always have been attracted to girls. However, I would have occasional weird thoughts about having lesbian sex with my friends , not because I like them just because I wanna see how it feels. Are these all ocd ??? Please someone help me I wanna kill myself so I don’t have to go through this. I’m searching for a prayer ... anyone? 

 

 

 

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27 September 2020 - 23:12

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Oh and I’m also having intrusive thoughts about doing sexual acts with my parents . Last night I woke up because I had a thought like ‘what if I grabbed my mums butt rn?’ And the image was there too. This scared me so much. I would never do that , that’s disgusting . My mum was the only thing keeping me alive and not it’s taking her from me aswell . I also had a dream of doing weird things with my dad. This scared me so much as I actually believe I was sexually aroused by it . This is so disgusting and weird to think about or talk about. Please, I need some help

27 September 2020 - 23:14

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* I have always been attracted to men my age or a few years older , not girls that was an accident .

4 October 2020 - 9:01

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Update- i feel like im getting better . The anxiety has almost gone but now I’m obsessing over the fact that I’m just a pedophile who has accepted the fact that I am one. This is such a horrible feeling and I hate it so much. I just want to forget about it all and just start to enjoy my life. I had an intrusive thought like ‘yeah I’m enjoying this now’ but right after I thought ew OMG how could you think like that it’s so disgusting I’ve never ever had these thoughts before. I’m starting to really think I might be a pedophile because some thoughts I don’t get anxiety at all and some thoughts I do have to squirm or repeat things in my head so it can go away. I’m so done with this . 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 5 October 2020 - 13:19

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Im so sorry Gemmalovelace to read about your distress. Have you been diagnosed with OCD or any anxiety disorder?

Iam everytime scared of left alone with my somall cousins, although they are 15-16 and Im ten years older. Crazy thing yeah. Im worried because what they could think im a pederast withoud doing anything dont know. Read my post about locker room...

Best wishes"

This post has been thanked 1 time. 5 October 2020 - 13:22

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I had to give up when I was 17 faith in a "catholic" god or whatever because of my sanity. I began harming myself to show god I felt sorry about my intrusive thoughts were invading my time for studying. Made me mad, like alcohol and other stuff that I have recentrly quit.

Dont know if I have OCD, but I do have intrusive thoughts that are really annoying. So Im confy in this forum.

25 October 2020 - 10:12

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Yeah , I have just recently been diagnosed with OCD and I’m currently waiting CBT. I can’t wait untill this is all over . I’ve had enough already. How are you doing? Hope you are okay now.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 26 October 2020 - 8:51

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[comment edited by moderator]

Don't do experiments to see IF....

That will only increase your anxiety.

Your sexual thoughts would seem to cover a broad spectrum.

Don't worry too much about this. In 2006 I had a hell of a time with themes of harm, blasphemy and obscenity....like 80% of my waking hours. It was a nightmare. But it went away in 2007 and I have been free of OCD till this June.

It's a shitty condition to have. But don't take the imp in the head too seriously.....like what OCD wants you to believe about yourself.

I'd keep off the porn if I were you. I've noticed that a lot of younger sufferers, and some older, tend to find OCD sparks off after watching porn. I no longer watch any.

Hope you get on well with therapy.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 26 October 2020 - 9:02

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You spoke about God.

Is this a personal belief you have or are you a member of a church?

Do you find it helps?

This post has been thanked 2 times. 26 October 2020 - 18:51

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Gemma let me address you question here.  First take a deep breath.  All that you have described sounds like OC.  In my 42 years of dealing with OCD (diagnosed 25 years ago), I think that a mix of CBT/talk therapy and drug treatment is most useful.  The drugs are there to help reduce the anxiety to allow a person to focus on CBT/ERP treatment.  My latest OC fears do surround my anxiety about hurting my children and 15 years ago my fears focused on HOCD.  For both it takes finding the way to separate yourself from your thoughts/fears.  Remember we as humans have billions of thoughts in our lives but they are only that, thoughts, nothing more.  As my therapist has told me, sufferers of OCD just seem more attuned to the aspect of our judgement.  It doesn’t mean we are better people (most OC suffers would probably say they are worse) but it does make us hypersensitive to how we feel we fit into the world and our moral place in it.  Talk to your doc, see if you can talk to a counselor, talk to someone you trust (parent, grandparent, friend, teacher, pastor/priest, imam, etc).   Good luck. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 October 2020 - 7:09

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OCD needs help......

Thanks for that comment. It is real clarity.

 

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