POCD, false memory driving me to suicide

27 September 2019 - 18:23

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Hi. I'm a 18 year old girl and I've had intrusive thoughts and urges since I was around 7. I'm still getting panicky about something that "happened" this monday.
I had to take care of my 6 yo brother while my mom went grocery shopping. Usually, I would just hide myself in my room and not get out until my mom comes back (which is always a relief), but this time, my brother was ill and I had to watch over him, actually BE NEXT TO HIM, in HIS ROOM. That triggered the hell outta me. While I was there, I started having intrusive thoughts about me doing stuff to him, things like that. After my mom, came back I started thinking if I had really done something or not. It's as if the intrusive thoughts from the time developed into memories. I started thinking about various ways in which I could have done it, trying to assess if any of them brought along a "eureka" moment. Some of these scenarios felt SO REAL. SO DETAILED.
I felt so disgusted at myself after these events, I considered suicide, I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it but I didn't havethe courage. So I'm relying on you, please, tell me, how can I overcome this???? What if this isn't OCD and I'm really a sick fuck? What if one of the memories IS real? I can't distinguish!! What if, If I create enough scenarios, one will give me a eureka moment and I'll know its true????? Wht if some scenario ALREADY gave me a eureka moment but I don't remember or what if I am in denial????? As I said, some of these feel VERY REAL

27 September 2019 - 18:56

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PLEASE SOMEONE ANSWER. IM FEELING DESPERATE

This post has been thanked 2 times. 27 September 2019 - 21:27

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Please do not do anything drastic. Please seek proper help! Have you ever had therapy for OCD before? I’m in the same boat and I’m sorry you feel this way, it really is horrible. You are not a bad person and you don’t deserve this. 

I’m 21 and female if you want someone to talk to, it might help me as well! An outside perspective. 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 September 2019 - 23:08

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I've had false memories before. The tricks is not to feed into them. When they come up just let it be and stop questioning. You'll feel really anxious and it wont be nice, but in the long run that's the only way to get to the truth. OCD is cruel and exactly what you explain has happened to me before and I'm sorry. Listen to Ali Greymond on YouTube she was a sufferer and has really good videos and she posts almost everyday please have a look at it
She has a video on almost all topics related to OCD and Intrusive thoughts. Good luck

This post has been thanked 1 time. 28 September 2019 - 14:28

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Don't worry about this, these are typical OCD fears. If your situation is really bad I suggest talking to your parents and seeking out a clinic to intervene in this crisis. 

After that start with a CBT therapy focussing on ERP. Also possible medication with SSRIs and/or SSNRIs will work well. 

All theb est for you!

This post has been thanked 1 time. 29 September 2019 - 4:05

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It may help from now on to leave to another place, and bring a planner maybe, take small notes of what you are doing, where you are and what time to help you stop the doubts. Also take an item of proof. You wouldn’t want note-taking to become another ritual but it would in this case probably be helpful to ease your worries. 

5 October 2019 - 17:40

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Thanks so much everyone ♥️

5 October 2019 - 23:10

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Ahahacyeah you are right. When I'm in my "logical" state I can see how ridivulous these thoughts sound but in my OCD mode it's a nearly impossible task

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