27 September 2019 - 18:23
Hi. I'm a 18 year old girl and I've had intrusive thoughts and urges since I was around 7. I'm still getting panicky about something that "happened" this monday.
I had to take care of my 6 yo brother while my mom went grocery shopping. Usually, I would just hide myself in my room and not get out until my mom comes back (which is always a relief), but this time, my brother was ill and I had to watch over him, actually BE NEXT TO HIM, in HIS ROOM. That triggered the hell outta me. While I was there, I started having intrusive thoughts about me doing stuff to him, things like that. After my mom, came back I started thinking if I had really done something or not. It's as if the intrusive thoughts from the time developed into memories. I started thinking about various ways in which I could have done it, trying to assess if any of them brought along a "eureka" moment. Some of these scenarios felt SO REAL. SO DETAILED.
I felt so disgusted at myself after these events, I considered suicide, I tried to talk with my boyfriend about it but I didn't havethe courage. So I'm relying on you, please, tell me, how can I overcome this???? What if this isn't OCD and I'm really a sick fuck? What if one of the memories IS real? I can't distinguish!! What if, If I create enough scenarios, one will give me a eureka moment and I'll know its true????? Wht if some scenario ALREADY gave me a eureka moment but I don't remember or what if I am in denial????? As I said, some of these feel VERY REAL