19 September 2020 - 2:22
I'm a 17 year old male. I've been struggling with some thoughts these past few days, and I dont know if this is just POCD or something worse. I've made a bulletted list of things that might make me a pedophile, and some things that might mean its just POCD. I've been going through this list constantly for the past couple days and I just had to write it down.
* I have looked at loli hentai images in the past and masturbated to them. However, a lot of loli is gross but some of it I'm okay with?? I dont like when they're tiny or *very* young, but idk its weird. I cant really explain it. Essentially: some of is not appealing (where the child is *super* young) but some of it is okay (maybe they look slighty older, not as tiny, less like a child and more petite-teen-like, but sometimes there are exceptions to this??) I really dont know. Maybe simply because of the way its sexualized??????
* When I was early into puberty (12/13?) my half-sister (3/4/5?) would sometimes change outside, and I'd catch a glance. This only happened a few times I think, but I remember being disappointed when she started changing inside. Since I was still young (definitely below the age-16 pedophile requirement) it could've just been curiosity or "raging hormones"
* When I would give my half-brother and half-sister piggy-back rides, giving my half-sister a piggy-back ride felt weird. I'm not sure if this was because I liked the physical contact or because I was extremely conscience of the fact that she was a girl.
* I do not want to look at real CP, even if it was legal.
* I would not want to have sex with a child, even if it was legal.
* My fantasies that I like (aka they're not intrusive or uncomfortable) are about either females my age or adults.
* I hate the bad thoughts that I get and wish they'd go away.
* I keep obsessing over whether it's POCD or something else, and I keep ruminating for hours, and I keep doing google searches and browsing this forum trying to find posts with a similar experience to mine.
* The loli thing isnt a primary focus. Most of the time I look at mature-looking hentai. Loli is infrequent, and I may not even look at it for months and months at a time or even forget about it entirely.
* This whole idea of "POCD or P" started completely randomly while deep in thought and chewing the cud. Nothing triggered it, I was just sitting one day and I started replaying weird memories and crap and it just went from there.
* I dont know anymore what the difference between "cute" and "attractive" is. The females in my age group that I've found attractive have also been cute too. What worries me though is like, when I'm at the store, I've become super-conscience of all the little girls there and get distracted by them (I don't think this started until I began showing signs of POCD??? Maybe I just wasnt aware of it, but idk), and I find them cute. But I dont know if I find them cute in a weird way or normal way. Or is finding little girls cute normal at all? I mean just because you find a puppy cute doesnt mean you wanna have sex with it, so does finding little girls cute mean the same thing? How do I know I'm just finding something cute without a level of attraction?
Could it just be POCD?
I keep going through these thoughts over and over and over and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa