5 July 2019 - 15:52
I’ve had pocd for 2 years now, this is the first time I’ve ever spoken to anybody in the outside world about it. I’m an 18 year old straight male.
At this point it is crippling, it has stripped me of my identity and the sick feelings of anxiousness, bewilderment and disgust have taken almost permanent residence inside of me. It really gets me when I masturbate. Like just earlier today I was at it, masturbating to normal straight material but the entire experience was typically rife with intrusive thoughts. But what went down here has made most other occurrences in the past few months seem pretty tame. It really felt like I not only wanted those thoughts, but actually encouraged them. It was like they took over my usual sexuality of being exclusively attracted to women my age and older, and it was like for that brief moment, I was a pedophile. No words can stress enough the authenticity of how this felt, it lasted for about 30 seconds and in that time I kept trying to go back to women but that just kind of wasn’t working. My mind seemed to want the intrusive thoughts, not just my dick. I then orgasmed, not specifically to those thoughts, it was technically over an age appropriate girl, but the link to younger people seemed present.
Now I KNOW I’m not a pedophile...kind of. I find the thoughts repulsive and having had this for 2 years I can confidently say the pedophilia must be my ultimate kryptonite, the thing that more than anything else in the world I want nothing to with. Yet in this brief moment, it somehow flipped and I did want it. Just typing that gives me waves of anxiety and guilt. Can anybody relate to this? Has it ever felt as though you encouraged an intrusive thought? One part of me thinks that considering how long this has been going on and considering how much my mind has been plagued with a link between children and sexuality, it seems kinda logical that this would happen at least once, that I didn’t want the thoughts, I just wanted to overcome them kinda thing, which my led to me instinctually facing up to them. I dunno, I’m sounding nonsensical I’m sorry.
Another part of me thinks that’s not good enough.
Please somebody, anybody, give me your honest thought on what you think of this. Thank you very much.