Please help! Convinced That I'm a sociopath

1 October 2018 - 21:48

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So I was diagnosed with Pure OCD a few weeks ago, I had really bad thoughts and I did not like it so I told my therapist that I thought maybe I had Pure OCD after finding a video about it. When I first saw the video I felt really relieved, but not now. I feel as if I'm manipulating everyone/ scared that I might be a sociopath.  I do tell my therapist that I'm scared that I'm manipulating her and I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But I don't know what I feel anymore.

 I feel mostly just empty, and I don't like that feeling so I find videos or songs that I find sad or touching and then I do cry when watching/hearing them but then I just think I did it on purpose because I did look at those videos because I wanted to feel something but now it just feels like I'm doing it on purpose.

 

 Also when I'm telling my therapist that I think I'm lying to her or manipulating her I feel as if I'm manipulating her by saying that as well because someone who actually is lying to you wouldn't tell you, right, So I'm scared that I'm telling her that so it will be the last thing she thinks I'm doing or something like that.

 I also go back to my past and think about all the times I didn't feel empathy, and when I did, and if those times where I did feel empathy that if it was just fake. For example, when I was little our cat had been missing for a while and my sister started to cry because she was worried that he was gone but I didn't cry or anything. I just thought that everything would be fine, or at least I think I thought that. We did find him and he was doing just fine. But then there are other times where for example I heard a sad song and I just started to really cry, and I did also cry a lot in my grandfathers funeral when I was young, but it was like.. a lot.. like i had to go out of the church because I couldn't stop crying, but now I just feel like I was dramatic on purpose and overreacted and that I was just acting.

 

I also feel like I'm acting a lot when I'm nice to people like it's not the real me. I do NOT want to lie, and I tell my therapist everything I can but it never feels enough. It still feels like there's something really bad inside of me and I have to be a sociopath or something. Also, my emotions are just all over the place, first I can laugh, but then feel like I shouldn't laugh and then feel like I'm just pretending to feel bad for laughing and so on. I tried to ask my therapist if she thought it could be something else, but she said that she was sure it was only Pure OCD and anxiety/phobia. But I just don't know... 

This was a lot, but I'm just a mess now and I don't know what to think anymore.. thank you if you even read all of this. I'm just really lost atm.

(and now when reading this it just sounds like I'm really dramatic and more anxious than I actually am..) 

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This post has been thanked 1 time. 2 October 2018 - 2:08

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Listen to your doctor. Also you can search forum for this. 

2 October 2018 - 13:00

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You mean my therapist? That I should just listen to her? 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 2 October 2018 - 16:27

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There are topics on the forum for sociopath that you can look at first. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 3 October 2018 - 3:47

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I’ve had the exact same problem you are not alone the last time i went to the psychiatrist i told him i was scared of being a psychopath because i was not sure if i was a compulsive liar and because i thought i really didnt have emotions i thought i just mimic people and fake my feelings and i was scared i didnt love my family 

He told me that everything is because of my ocd that it js not my fault and that this thoughts and fears are my ocd 

I know freaking ocd can be really convincing to the point where you dont really know who you are anymore you think everything good that you are is fake

But we have to start believing and trusting that what our therapist say is true and it is ocd and believe me i know its super super hard but little by little we will understand and we will get better 

Take care

 

3 October 2018 - 14:30

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Thank you so much ❤️

3 October 2018 - 17:03

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Therapists give reassurance, which you're not supposed to get with OCD, it just prolongs the process & makes it stronger.

 

Sociopaths have very high self-esteem, sort of the opposite of OCD.  What do you make of that?

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 3 October 2018 - 20:14

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But that’s the thing. I think I’m manipulating people and that I’m just pretending that I have ocd and all that... so it doesn’t help that I hear that sociopaths have high self esteem because then I just think maybe I do have high self esteem and think I’m so good at manipulating people and pretending to have ocd etc... it doesn’t make sense but that’s just how it is..

4 October 2018 - 0:11

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Yes, but sociopaths have no empathy and those with ocd have too much empathy .

4 October 2018 - 1:25

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But what if I’m just pretending to have empathy.. and just faking having ocd so I’ll sound like a good person when I’m not. Because that’s the thing, I don’t know what I feel anymore.. I don’t know if I’m sad, happy, depressed, angry,  I don’t know if I feel empathy or not etc... I just feel confused most of the time.. that’s the only “feeling” I’m feeling. 

This post has been thanked 2 times. 4 October 2018 - 9:08

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My therapist told me our emotions can be hijacked when we’re anxious and depressed because of OCD. I too struggle to recognise feelings of empathy during acute phases. Which obviously creates more anxiety and massive concern for our character. He told me the anxiety and depression symptoms produced by our reaction to thoughts focus our emotions on ourselves. That’s why we question whether our emotions are genuine. It’s all very confusing and just makes it all so much more complex.

“Yikes, I have thoughts and urges to do X. Why don’t I get a genuine empathic reaction to these thoughts?! I must be turning into a psychopath.”

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