1 October 2018 - 21:48
So I was diagnosed with Pure OCD a few weeks ago, I had really bad thoughts and I did not like it so I told my therapist that I thought maybe I had Pure OCD after finding a video about it. When I first saw the video I felt really relieved, but not now. I feel as if I'm manipulating everyone/ scared that I might be a sociopath. I do tell my therapist that I'm scared that I'm manipulating her and I try my best to be as honest as I can be. But I don't know what I feel anymore.
I feel mostly just empty, and I don't like that feeling so I find videos or songs that I find sad or touching and then I do cry when watching/hearing them but then I just think I did it on purpose because I did look at those videos because I wanted to feel something but now it just feels like I'm doing it on purpose.
Also when I'm telling my therapist that I think I'm lying to her or manipulating her I feel as if I'm manipulating her by saying that as well because someone who actually is lying to you wouldn't tell you, right, So I'm scared that I'm telling her that so it will be the last thing she thinks I'm doing or something like that.
I also go back to my past and think about all the times I didn't feel empathy, and when I did, and if those times where I did feel empathy that if it was just fake. For example, when I was little our cat had been missing for a while and my sister started to cry because she was worried that he was gone but I didn't cry or anything. I just thought that everything would be fine, or at least I think I thought that. We did find him and he was doing just fine. But then there are other times where for example I heard a sad song and I just started to really cry, and I did also cry a lot in my grandfathers funeral when I was young, but it was like.. a lot.. like i had to go out of the church because I couldn't stop crying, but now I just feel like I was dramatic on purpose and overreacted and that I was just acting.
I also feel like I'm acting a lot when I'm nice to people like it's not the real me. I do NOT want to lie, and I tell my therapist everything I can but it never feels enough. It still feels like there's something really bad inside of me and I have to be a sociopath or something. Also, my emotions are just all over the place, first I can laugh, but then feel like I shouldn't laugh and then feel like I'm just pretending to feel bad for laughing and so on. I tried to ask my therapist if she thought it could be something else, but she said that she was sure it was only Pure OCD and anxiety/phobia. But I just don't know...
This was a lot, but I'm just a mess now and I don't know what to think anymore.. thank you if you even read all of this. I'm just really lost atm.
(and now when reading this it just sounds like I'm really dramatic and more anxious than I actually am..)