OCD eats me alive

23 June 2019 - 14:26

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I have had most of the OCD themes you can name. I’ve been in this OCD episode since April and it’s almost July. It started with magical thinking, had some rOCD thoughts, I had Harm OCD thoughts and now I had groinal responses.

I have no idea what to do since I can not afford CBT right now.

I am falling apart. It has been months, I can not be truly happy because I always have something to obsess about and it’s eating my alive like really... I am not even 40kg. I am so scared it is going to ruin my relationship because it is definitely ruinig my sex life. I’ve been avoiding to have sex with my partner for almost 2 weeks.

It all started with the fear that I will have intrusive images during sex, then I was terrified that I would feel arousal during sex that would feel so much like groinal responses so I would not be able to tell the difference between groinal response and my real arousal. 

Yesterday I had groinal responses during the day  that I could fight, but one time I had a groinal response for no reason, I had no intrusive thought at that moment so it just happened and I had a quick thought that I could have sex now, like I would like to. I can not even recall that thought. I had an intrusive image or something like that about asking my boyfriend to have sex with me because I felt aroused all day. Now it was not me and my boyfriend it was more just a thought a movie scene or something and I IMMEDIATELY started to think about how terribble it would be to say that after all these terribe groinal responses and how it is not true and how I wish I did not have groinal responses but just live my life and really wanting to make love with him. I wished it was a normal day and I felt real arousal you know, but i was not. So that night I decided that after this thought and feeing I can not make love with him because that would mean I was actually aroused all day or that I don’t care about my pocd thoughts. So I ruminated and avoided him since that. It’s the next day afternoon.

Now I had an intrusive thought and I feel like I can not have sex with him because that would mean I do not care about these thoughts or that i even like them. I have this thought in my head that I can not have sex with him because I would be a terribble person if I did that while I have these thoughts and after what happened yesterday. 

How do I fight this? I want to have intimacy with him again, I really do but I can not because that would mean I am a person who had sex while having these thoughts and anxiety. You can not be aroused while you are experiencing anxiety so why did i felt like that yesterday ? 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 23 June 2019 - 21:32

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So i've been dealing with groinal responses and sexual intrussive thoughts for some time now. For both you have to stop fearing them. A groinal response is not real arousal (how do i know that, because at some point i was afraid for several months that i have stomach cancer and i kept checking my stomach and guess what i got a response and i thought there is something in my stomach, if you want to test this focus on one of your fingers for several minutes, you will feel something in that finger). That being said in order to get rid of the groinal responses you have to do the following: stop fearing/checking the groinal responses (when it happens, you aknowledge that there is a sensation down there and thats it, you dont test, you dont think its sexual, you simple let it be). If you want to go further you can challenge this sensation by saying ok lets see what happens (it is very important that you dont check, not mentally and not physically, when you check you will focus all your attention on the groin region and you will actually feel something there)...if you can do this while the trigger is there, its even better.

If you stop having sex with your partner, you only give more power to your ocd/fears. Anything that you avoid doing (i should know this, i avoid social interaction...) will only become stronger and you will fear that situation/trigger more. It does not matter what thoughts or weird sensations you have, you do what you like, you continue your romantic relationship. So if the thoughts come when you want to have sex with your partner, try saying to yourself, whatever happens happens...or i dont care about these thoughts i will have a good time. Dont start ruminating over your thoughts/sensations, just continue doing what you do. The thoughts mights still come, but once you stop fearing them there is a chance these thoughts will stop coming. For me this worked, although sometimes i still have a thought like, what happens if my weird thoughts popup...and i always do the same, whatever happens happens.

I recommend reading some self help books. The more you know about how OCD works, the easier it is to deal with the crisis. Also what helped is to try and chance my life, like start doing sports (start jogging for example, its free, doesnt cost to much (a pair of shoes) and it helps alot, you can set small goals and maybe in 1 year you run your first marathon), find new hobbies, meet new people if you are a social person. Its important that you are not tired and dont feel that much stress. 

Hope this helps!

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