23 June 2019 - 14:26
I have had most of the OCD themes you can name. I’ve been in this OCD episode since April and it’s almost July. It started with magical thinking, had some rOCD thoughts, I had Harm OCD thoughts and now I had groinal responses.
I have no idea what to do since I can not afford CBT right now.
I am falling apart. It has been months, I can not be truly happy because I always have something to obsess about and it’s eating my alive like really... I am not even 40kg. I am so scared it is going to ruin my relationship because it is definitely ruinig my sex life. I’ve been avoiding to have sex with my partner for almost 2 weeks.
It all started with the fear that I will have intrusive images during sex, then I was terrified that I would feel arousal during sex that would feel so much like groinal responses so I would not be able to tell the difference between groinal response and my real arousal.
Yesterday I had groinal responses during the day that I could fight, but one time I had a groinal response for no reason, I had no intrusive thought at that moment so it just happened and I had a quick thought that I could have sex now, like I would like to. I can not even recall that thought. I had an intrusive image or something like that about asking my boyfriend to have sex with me because I felt aroused all day. Now it was not me and my boyfriend it was more just a thought a movie scene or something and I IMMEDIATELY started to think about how terribble it would be to say that after all these terribe groinal responses and how it is not true and how I wish I did not have groinal responses but just live my life and really wanting to make love with him. I wished it was a normal day and I felt real arousal you know, but i was not. So that night I decided that after this thought and feeing I can not make love with him because that would mean I was actually aroused all day or that I don’t care about my pocd thoughts. So I ruminated and avoided him since that. It’s the next day afternoon.
Now I had an intrusive thought and I feel like I can not have sex with him because that would mean I do not care about these thoughts or that i even like them. I have this thought in my head that I can not have sex with him because I would be a terribble person if I did that while I have these thoughts and after what happened yesterday.
How do I fight this? I want to have intimacy with him again, I really do but I can not because that would mean I am a person who had sex while having these thoughts and anxiety. You can not be aroused while you are experiencing anxiety so why did i felt like that yesterday ?