24 June 2019 - 0:27
So where to start. I'm going to try not to write a book because I have a habit of being so verbose. Long and short of it. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my whole life and in the past 4 years I've made very good progress against them. I see a therapist, I've done a lot of self work. I meditate daily. In some ways I'm the happiest and strongest I've ever been.
I was socially isolated most of my life and I've come to understand that a good deal of the root of my issues stem from mild childhood emotional neglect despite having very loving parents. I had friends earlier on but few of them and I'm learning now that I'm making good friends that they were never that close. From the age of 18 to 32 I basically had almost no social contact outside of work and my parents. I learned to shut off those needs.
But the past 4 years has been good. I've made friends and ventured out of my comfort zone a lot. This year I decided I'd open pandora's box and see if I could actually make inroads toward relationships. Well I didn't know I was opening pandora's box to be honest, I just thought I was being brave and pushing my boundaries again. I had a few minor successes, went on 3 dates. I now have a richer mix of female platonic friends that I'm grateful for having. But it seems I've also developed an OCD obsession with sexual thoughts and intrusive misogynistic thoughts which has been increasingly debilitating.
This is not who I want to be. These are not the beliefs i hold or profess, holding downright feminist views on most things. But I find it hard now not to pass any attractive woman on the street without thinking about sex, and sometimes I'll feel resentment toward her for that even though I have no idea who this person is. And that thought will greatly bother me, send a wave of fear through me. And rinse and repeat.
It would seem I have a fairly strong need for human connection, for companionship, for sex. Drives I've buried for most of my life. The freudian analyst might say I harboured resentment against my mother in this too for being a controlling influence in my life and holding me back so long. I also had the realization that I may be seeking a motherly nurturing figure in women that I never had with my mother. At any rate I don't know if these are intrusive or OCD in nature. I just know they are driving me crazy. The worst of it is if I'm to find my way toward healthy relationships I'm going to have to work through these as I interact with people. I'm going to have to integrate these into myself and I don't see how.
Anyone have any insight or experience with anything like this?