New to the forum & finally speaking out

28 May 2014 - 2:20

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Hey guys, I'm BoxTunnel20 (couldn't think of anything else anonymous enough, it's from Being Human)

I'm 17 from England & I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts, pretty sick ones too since I was 16, in March 2013. Every day since March I have had sexual intrusive thoughts. It's horrible, of course as you'll all know and you wonder stuff like 'why me?' and 'all this time I've been leading up to becoming like this'...I've had a lot of stress going on since January, I can elaborate in the future since I want to keep this brief, but what does reassure me is that these thoughts intensify when I'm stressed. Started my first college exams recently (finished on Friday just gone - yay!) & the thoughts came back to being there most of the day and they're not letting up, me and my nan call the thoughts my 'stress detector' but I think it's finally time to get help and speak out. I've had reassurance from sites like this and others since it all started, reading others posts about what they think and how it bothers them helps me, because the posts actually describe how I think completely...it stops all feelings of isolation (for a night or two obviously) and I've decided to come and help people as well and speak out more, because sitting in silence never helps. 

Before I end the post, I'm not officially diagnosed with OCD or what I suspect myself to have - OCPD. However I match all symptoms (and funnily enough I'm borderline Aspergers according to online tests) and a year of intrusive thoughts does point in that direction so I'm going to be speaking to the doctors soon, but I'm sure I'll get just as much help speaking to others with this dreadful problem. 

28 May 2014 - 13:19

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Hi BoxTunnel

(Welcome to the forum)

The hardest part usually is making that leap forward to go and see the doctor and explain what type of thoughts you are having but well-done on talking about it here as that is a massive step itself.

Do you feel you are ready to make that move to go and see the doctor? I remember listening to a radio discussion and it was mentioning about how hard it is for people to go and see the doctor, one of the tips it was giving was just to book yourself up an appointment over the phone no matter what that way you can't change your mind later on. I remember when I made my first post about the intrusive thoughts on another forum under a different name, I felt scared and wanted to make sure no one in my family could see what I was doing. It's perfectively normal to feel a little anxious when you express the thoughts for the first time but honestly the rewards are sure worth it, It will open up many different support avenues.

It does tend to flare up when we are stressed especially to do with pending anxiety where you tend to worry about a certain thing coming such as maybe an exam but if we can relax more and finding the right coping technique for yourself that's the way forward. (Remember everyone responds different to certain techniques so it's really searching around to find that technique) Mindfulness is a great one.

Do be careful with those online tests as it does not take into account the observation part but by all means mention it to your doctor. I have a diagnoses of autistic Spectrum Disorder from my last appointment last week it was.

All the best

Graeme

14 June 2014 - 10:33

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Thank-you for your post Graeme, I know the online tests aren't perfect but they do help sometimes as I realise stuff about myself. 

Having a really bad day today. On Skype with my friend who's singing away being cheerful, I'm sitting here feeling sick to the core of my stomach worrying about POCD. I've been reading up again, which in this case is turning out to be a bad thing because I've learned about latent paedophilia, where it's in disguise and not fully manifested...which is one of the things I worry about myself. Groinal response is the biggest worry, but I found out online the other day that even groinal response isn't a determining factor and is part of the OCD as well, also being common. Amazes me how much of this can be explained away with OCD but I guess that's the point really, all of this IS OCD. I hope anyway. This is a very negative post, sorry to anyone reading this, I guarantee in a few hours I'll be reassured and happy again..atm I'm not so I want to write that down somewhere where I'll be understood, because I'm feeling sick and upset right now, managed not to fully cry though (which makes me worry 'Maybe I'm starting to like it' that's the problem with this horrible disease, prays on people who can think of things in every possible angle. I need to go to the Doctors, worried that they'll say it isn't OCD & I'm just some dirty person who's going to hurt people in the future. I can't live like that. What a horrible disease this is. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 14 June 2014 - 11:27

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Hi Box Tunnel20,

Stop reading about POCD and other similar conditions as there is a lot of misleading stuff about it, especially online as none of it is a good subsitutute for professional medical advice.

It seems to me that you are a normal red-blooded bloke having the normal thoughts of any testosterone charged teenage male.   For 90% or more of your waking time and possibly more of your sleeping time you will be having sexual thoughts.  This is quite normal even although your mind may wander into what you might call deviant areas.  Something else that is quite normal - Groinal response to these thoughts.  And yes it can be difficult, awkward and embarassing when it happens, but that's life.  You're not a dirty person at all and as you are quite naturally concerned you may hurt someone then that is a pretty good indication that you won't.  Try spending a lot less time on the internet and more time doing something else.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 14 June 2014 - 20:47

Elf
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Hi,
welcome. It is very hard going to the doctors for the first time.but they are trained professionals and will beable to talk through possible diagnosis. You are not dirty or dangerous and some guidance from the doctor will hopefully set you on the road to recovery.
Elf

This post has been thanked 1 time. 16 June 2014 - 21:45

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You seem to be telling new users very often lately that they probably don't have OCD, Nimrod.  Puzzling me, that.

Either way, BoxTunnel, either as Nimrod says it's just nothing, or else it is OCD - those are the possibilities.  It certainly doesn't sound like there really is anything bad about you!

All the best,

Wombat140

This post has been thanked 1 time. 18 June 2014 - 8:00

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Hi boxtunnel20, and thank you for your story.

I am similar in age to you and suffer from the same intrusive thoughts (just thought you might feel better if your knew you weren't alone).

I just wanted to add about the online autism tests, I have taken them too after reading about the symptoms and it would always come out with a high score. However, I suffer from social anxiety which can have very similar attributes to someone with autism, especially if the social anxiety is very severe and has been in your life for several years. So don't just assume and self diagnose from online tests, they can be quite unreliable. If you're very worried about it, it is best to see a doctor.

21 June 2014 - 20:22

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hi box tunnel. you may benefit from reading a couple of books: break free from ocd (google it if you wish, suppose to be good, don't know the author's name)., a mark williams book on mindfulness, there are mindful meditation videos on you tube where you can do guided meditation at home for free, ruby'  wax's 'sane new world is a good book about mental health in general.

I think whilst you are waiting for your diagnosis, relieving your stress by jogging and meditation and maybe yoga, will hopefully help you. I think its good you get the diagnosis now, your young,  and you can learn how to handle it so it doesn't take over your life and you grown up with lots of regretful memories and sadness.

remember its an illness but keep aware and always remember how it can make you come across. It is not who you are but by thinking like that, it may help you take control of your ocd. that's what i do. ask the docotor about being referred to a psychologist as well, they may help you work out any contributing factors, try and work out any possible reasons of why its manifested itself in this way and what the consequences of it are, eg, how you feel, how people react - the danger of it, someone may not understand but also don't beat yourself up either. Just set yourself to overcome it and have a life you enjoy and are happy with. you sound like a good person, you deserve that.

i may not have gone off tangent. sorry, hope it is of some help.

25 June 2014 - 17:34

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Thank-you so much to everyone that has commented, I've taken a little bit of reassurance from everyone and I do think a lot of your advice is right, I should stop looking online & I am a bit more reassured that someone my age is going through this. If it is just that I'm a 'red-blooded bloke' having thoughts and wandering into deviant areas, then so be it, I'd be happy to stop worrying but I can't say I'd have a very good opinion of myself if that was true, but maybe that's because it's worrying me so much at the moment. 

Went to the Doctors the other day, not sure if I'm more worried or less worried then when I went. I spoke to him, was very vague, he realised what it was about through reading between the lines & he said the p-word which literally made me feel like I was going to heave or cry. He was very keen to put it to me that he wasn't an expert in this area so anything he says is only speculation, but he asked me if I have any confusion of my sexuality, which I do, I haven't the faintest idea whether I want guys, girls, both or what, I literally cannot tell I just go with it, so he thinks I'm sub-consciously uncomfortable with my sexuality or haven't come to terms with it, so I've latched onto something extreme. He had a good analogy, he told me how if I punch someone in school or work or whatever, it's better to accept you've lost your temper and that you aren't perfect, instead of imagining yourself becoming the next Dr Shipman (serial killer for the uninformed who don't want to research it) & it makes a lot of sense. As far as I know, all my family have been straight & I haven't asked but haven't really deviated from that for their whole life. He also said 'Just because you may be a bit out of the norm or what you consider to be normal, doesn't mean it's something as extreme as what you worry about' so I guess (hope) it's likely I acknolwedge I'm a bit different to my family and it's worrying me. He believes my Anxiety in general is a manifestation of this sub-conscious problem and that once we get that sorted I should get rid of Anxiety. I'm applying for CBT & he's speaking to the Doctors soon to work out which other form of therapy is best for me, they'll be writing soon. Why I am worried is that he was unable to rule out me being one, because he's not an expert and he said the line 'I think the anxiety will go when you realise who you are and, perhaps aren't happy but are comfortable with who you are, because you can't be anyone else, you are you and that is fine' that was no doubt meant to sound inspiring and reassuring, but if it turns out I am like that, I'm not sure how i'm going to get through this at all. However he did say at the end of the appointment 'Remember, you ARE normal' and that did help a lot.

My nan did point out that I've taken the worst possible assumption and focused on it, something which is typical of how intrusive thoughts work, but it doesn't help me feel happy, even if Ive recognised I'm being negative again. I will happily never look at a woman again and be gay and possibly come under a lot of criticism from friends for it, if it means I'm not someone who is like that, because I can't face the idea of harming anyone, let alone children. I've been told to ignore the online tests saying I have OCD and Aspergers and all the like, he's putting that down to 'Anxiety monopolizing your thoughts' and to not worry about that. 

I am relieved I guess that I can finally talk to professionals and find out what's going on and it's more likely I'm normal than not, & there's always drug therapy if talking doesn't help (I think it will judging on how reassured I get from a conversation with my nan who isn't an expert) but I can't help think about how long of a process this is. 18 months I've put up with this, around that anyway, it could easily be a year or two before I get over this, & I'm always going to look back realising that 3 or maybe more years of my life was claimed by something which (hopefully) wasn't even true. I guess in a way though, that is good, because if things go well, at least I realise I'm not anything sinister or dangerous and at least then I have set boundaries and I never have to worry about being someone I'm not again. 

Sorry for this long post, really do appreciate every comment.

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