My OCD won't let me forget the thing I dislike the most.

23 October 2019 - 19:42

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I don't explain this to the closest people I know.

It started when I was hanging out with my friends, around 2 am we wanted to watch a horror movie. My friend took control and started browsing Netflix and we found a movie called “Human Centipede 2” ( if you don’t know what it is I highly recommend NOT looking it up), and not knowing what it was we started to watch it. At the time I was 13-14 and was relatively innocent and didn’t watch horror movies much other than the ones I like Halloween or Alien. My friend skipped to the middle and probably the worst part where I just heard horrendous sounds and scream, I looked up and couldn’t keep watching as I ran out of the room in terror. Even outside the room I could hear the sounds and tried blocking them off with some YouTube videos, and even that couldn’t block it. They finally shut it off scarred, we watched another movie to get our minds off of it. My friends were tired and decided to go to sleep, and I agreed. I close my eyes and all I could hear were screams, and the view images I had seen. I couldn’t sleep and I was panicking, and slowly started to lose my mind, it was around 5 AM and I packed my stuff and walked down the pitch dark street to my house. I went to my bed and contemplated what happened eventually falling asleep. This was the beginning of it.This was in January to February around. And throughout the summer I got over it but the fear would still be there.As I was about to start my freshman year I went on vacation, halfway through I was paranoid that the events in the movie might happen to me and was always anxious.The school year started and I remember laying in my bed one night freaking out, as I run down to my dad and tell him that a scary movie shook me. This happened throughout the whole year from Fall to Spring. I started to develop these voices in my head and this fear that if I didn’t look up parts of the three movies or just rewatch scenes then the voices wouldn’t stop and I would go insane.I would do what the voices told me and go through with it, resulting in me scarring my brain even more, and later on I couldn’t sleep.This thinking ruined everything including Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New YearsNot only this but I remember around winter time I was working with kids and an image popped into my head about the kids lined up in front of me being tortured in the events of the movieI remember almost crying because of how messed up it was and the vileness of itI couldn’t think the whole night and contemplated suicideI kept repeating to myself that I need a therapist, until I told my dadWe eventually got oneAnd moved on to a second because the first one had personal problemsI went to the doctors and they diagnosed me with OCD, severe depression, and general anxiety disorder also being severe.I went there in the middle of my school day and on the way back I kept crying and asking why I was a maniacMy dad helped calm me down and told me to keep my head upMy mom also helped meI got put on Zoloft and kept going to the doctors and my therapist and it incrementally improved.Taking 150mgMy 10th-grade year went great with these events happening minimally.And I thought I could stop seeing my therapist and he agreed that it was possibleI finished all my exams and started my summer.

I went into my junior year. Until around 3 days ago I had a nightmare, and it felt like the OCD tendencies relapsed and came back to me And it came back worse ruining everything I tried to do Every second intrusive thoughts would come in Imagine seeing the thing you hate the most but also fear in your brain almost 24/7 That’s what it was like

 Not to mention, the thoughts that come to my brain are telling me to rewatch the scenes of the movie I forget,  so even if I'm starting to forget scenes from the movie, my brain keeps nagging me to go watch that scene again.  It's painful.  I didn't even watch the full movie when I first saw it, but since the thoughts were so excruciating, I pretty much watched the whole damn movie. In a hurried panic I came here Sorry, you had to hear my messed up brain, but I know I’m a good person with a whacked up brain.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 9 November 2019 - 7:51

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I know of the movie. I haven't seen it but did see the first one so I can imagine the sort of theme. I remember seeing the original 'It' movie when I was very young and being so scared that I was physically sick. It haunted me for many years. I still don't like clowns much but have since watched the movie again, and the remake, and as an older person now it doesn't frighten me like it did.

Perhaps you could try watching interviews with the actors talking about the movie so you can remind yourself that were just normal people playing characters and pretending?

I don't really have any advice. I do know what it is like though to feel like you have to expose yourself to something that upsets you in order to somehow cure yourself of your thoughts. It's horrible and it doesn't help. I am sorry you are going through this.

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