29 April 2018 - 17:50
So I just wanted to come here and confirm that this is all OCD talking, not actual paedophilia.
First of all, I am still in high school so this stuff could also be due to raging hormones.
Since I can remember I was attracted to girls normally, nothing unusual there. But all of a sudden my OCD decided to pick paedophilia as a theme (had other themes before but not as often as now), probably because I saw a cute little girl somewhere and mistook appreciation of beauty for attraction, don't really remember how it started. At first, I was freaking out because I knew nothing about OCD (much better now but still in the loop). Since then I am constantly checking if I get aroused when I see kids, and over time I realised it is really anxiety, not arousal. But the reason I am here is because when I am doing this checking I usually picture kissing, and when I for a moment forget it is a kid in this thought and picture just lips I feel a mixture of anxiety which hasn't gone and arousal. But when I turn my attention back to a thought of kid, I am instantly disgusted. Also, I like the thought of hugging a kid not in a way of groping or anything like that, but in a way you would do with a puppy or a kitten, think it is cute and cuddly and you want your own one day in future. I NEVER want to harm a child, watch child porn or any of it, the thought alone makes me sick.
Also, I am not in any kind of therapy because this is not very strong as it used to be, so I think i can manage it myself. When I manage to step out of this endless circle I think everything I worry about is just ridiculous, I really like girls my age and NOT kids. But OCD wants it's reassurance and still bugs me so here I am.