5 February 2020 - 0:26
Was watching tv and some ad for some aftershave came on and some topless muscley guy popped up and immediately I got this intense feeling in my groin like tingling arousal. This is accompanied by an intense emotion of fear or shock like seeing a ghost. I just sit there and probably go white as I feel this in my groin. Then my heart sinks and now I have this urge to test and masturbate to the thoughts of the guy to see just how aroused I am by him.
To date I only masturbate about guys when I am feeling shit and need to check if I am aroused by them, I don't do it for fun. But then to get into it you have to pretend and imagine you are into it. If I come to gay thoughts I feel like utter shit after and so depressed.
I really believe I am gay now. I really feel like deep down I know I'm gay and it makes me feel utterly depressed.
I wish sex didnt exist. I feel happy when I am never thinking of sex in any way whatsoever. I tend to avoid meeting girls now although I might be meeting a girl this weekend but the truth is I am not int he frame of mind to meet her as I feel gay and confused.
Seriously the intrusive groinal responses or arousal are killing me. Only for my mother who I spill all my fears onto I think I would be suicidal.