Just don't know what to do anymore. Feel helpless. Feel like I've lost who I am.

22 April 2018 - 21:29

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I'm so fed up with this pocd. Sorry this is long.

I just feel so guilty about what I've done in the past. Checking these thoughts.
Other OCD habits seem to be springing up too now that I notice it.
I have to wash my body in a specific routine and counting.
I have to make sure I brush my teeth 3 times in a row. Because I don't like the number 4.
I don't like the number 4 because when I was younger I used to explore my body (as we do) and masturbated 4 times, I stopped doing it because I felt that it was evil to do and wrong.
I did get sexually abused in a sense when I was younger by my friend (same age so idk if it is abuse?) She made me do things I didn't want to do but obviously being young and wanting to not be left out i went along with it.
Anyway I guess that has me worried about becoming a child molestor.

I've already done things I feel horrible about and make me feel suicidal and alone.
(Prodding a child chest, picking up a child and knowing my hands are directly on the child's chest/boob area. And also touching the front of a babies nappy to see if they were still erect (normal for babies to have) idk why I done it though, I didn't do it for sexual reasons. But now it basically sounds it.
It's like I do things then thoughts pop up as I'm doing it. Like for example I was cuddling a baby, whom was just in his diaper cause his clothes got wet, everything was fine, no thoughts. Then I turned him around to pass him back over and I realised my hands were directly on his boobs. Then in my head I'm like omg did you do that deliberately???

I've never had this OCD before and I'm 23. It all started because my boyfriend dumped me because he didn't want a baby with me.
Could that have something to do with it all??

Please help. I just need some guidance and support.

22 April 2018 - 22:19

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OCD can sometimes play tricks on us (i've smelled so bad that i didnt want to get out of my house, and my wife and everyone i know told me i dont smell at all). OCD can make you question everything, even what you did 5 minutes ago, it happened to me several times. The fact that you are actually worried that you will become a child molestor proves that you are nothing like that. You wouldnt be here on this forum if that would be the case. Try to do something to relax (sports, meditation/mindfulnes, or something that you know relaxes you and takes away the anxiety). In the long run, if you want to feel better and live a happy life, i recommend seeking professional help (do cbt therapy and learn how to do exposure and response prevention). Since you are already working with children, exposure would be for you to continue your work and response prevention would be not to actually think about what happened 5 minutes ago and live with the uncertainty. This is easier said than done, i know, but with some professional help you can learn and in time your rumination and obsession will be gone.

Whatever happened in your childhood does not mean it needs to influence your life as an adult. Its in the past and it should stay there. I've spent years trying to figure out what happened in my childhood and it didnt bring me any closer to dealing with my ocd, it actually made it more difficult. Whats in the past should stay in the past. The present matters, the past doesnt!

23 April 2018 - 13:55

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What if I've made myself one by doing these OCD checking compulsions I've done??

I feel so bad.

I am due cbt soon but on a waiting list.

You say the past doesn't matter bit then I compare myself to actual paedophiles and molestors and their past should matter? Even if they change their ways.

23 April 2018 - 15:09

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A few years back i was obsessed with the idea that i'm sick and i have some kind of stomach cancer. I used to focus non-stop on my stomach and check for signs of ilness. Did this actually make me sick? No it didnt, but it my head i was convinced that i'm sick. Its the same for you, does having a thought and checking make you a child molestor, no it doesnt. Almost 9 months ago, i found out i will become a father, guess what in no time i developed pocd (i've already had several types of ocd during my lifetime) and i also was afraid i was (or will become) a pedophile (even though i never had this thought in my life before). I started checking and researching, and i was always anxious around children until i realised that my anxiety is actually fueled by my fear and not by desire (there is a big difference). Like i said before, if you were a child molestor you would not be here on this forum worrying about what you think you've done.

Whatever happened in our childhood it does not mean we have to repeat it in our adulthood. To give you an example, i was beaten, verbally abused, called stupid, shamed, i had to be a parent for my parents (my father is an alcoholic, my mother suffers from ocd), does this mean that i need to be an alcoholic myself? No it doesnt? Will i beat my kid? No i wont do that. Like i said, the past is the past and the more you dig and search, the more it will influence your life. Let the past be and live your present.

Therapy would help you a lot, you need to try and speed up the waiting process...you will be able to speak with someone that understands what you are going through and learn how to deal with ocd.

PS: sorry if my english is not so good, i'm not from the uk...

23 April 2018 - 15:47

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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just got over Pocd and now I have harm OCD and it's horrible. I too feel so much guilt for things I have googled, accounts of criminals who did terrible things, even questioning my morals of right and wrong. I hate the monster my mind has become. I don't know how my brain could actually think these things were were okay, I feel awful. Obviously, I haven't done anything wrong but I feel bad for even thinking about these things. I wish I could go back in time. 

23 April 2018 - 15:47

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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just got over Pocd and now I have harm OCD and it's horrible. I too feel so much guilt for things I have googled, accounts of criminals who did terrible things, even questioning my morals of right and wrong. I hate the monster my mind has become. I don't know how my brain could actually think these things were were okay, I feel awful. Obviously, I haven't done anything wrong but I feel bad for even thinking about these things. I wish I could go back in time. 

23 April 2018 - 16:22

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If you do your recovery too fast, it just crops up in another form.

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