22 April 2018 - 21:29
I'm so fed up with this pocd. Sorry this is long.
I just feel so guilty about what I've done in the past. Checking these thoughts.
Other OCD habits seem to be springing up too now that I notice it.
I have to wash my body in a specific routine and counting.
I have to make sure I brush my teeth 3 times in a row. Because I don't like the number 4.
I don't like the number 4 because when I was younger I used to explore my body (as we do) and masturbated 4 times, I stopped doing it because I felt that it was evil to do and wrong.
I did get sexually abused in a sense when I was younger by my friend (same age so idk if it is abuse?) She made me do things I didn't want to do but obviously being young and wanting to not be left out i went along with it.
Anyway I guess that has me worried about becoming a child molestor.
I've already done things I feel horrible about and make me feel suicidal and alone.
(Prodding a child chest, picking up a child and knowing my hands are directly on the child's chest/boob area. And also touching the front of a babies nappy to see if they were still erect (normal for babies to have) idk why I done it though, I didn't do it for sexual reasons. But now it basically sounds it.
It's like I do things then thoughts pop up as I'm doing it. Like for example I was cuddling a baby, whom was just in his diaper cause his clothes got wet, everything was fine, no thoughts. Then I turned him around to pass him back over and I realised my hands were directly on his boobs. Then in my head I'm like omg did you do that deliberately???
I've never had this OCD before and I'm 23. It all started because my boyfriend dumped me because he didn't want a baby with me.
Could that have something to do with it all??
Please help. I just need some guidance and support.