25 August 2016 - 18:05
Ok so I know im gonna get some blame for how this one intrusive thought started. I've had intrusive thoughts for 3 years now. Im not officially diagnosed but from reading others problems I feel like it's the same problem. I'll make this story short though and hopefully people can give me some suggestions. I've thought God is gonna destroy me and I had no hope, I thought I had brain cancer, colon cancer and other diseases and I get completely obsessed with them always checking, googling, researching, and crying over them. For about 2 months I've been obsessed with having herpes and constantly check myself and every bump i find sets off a rush of worry and anxiety. I was supremely depressed cause I thought how do I explain it to my girlfriend? Will she leave me? She definitely will. I would convince myself back and forth out of having it or not and I just couldn't let go.
Anyways I've always been a drinker and these thoughts were beating me down so bad my drinking got worse cause I just wanted to stop thinking these things. Like every other day worse. I noticed when I drank I would get paranoid about running someone over and every bump would trigger these thoughts. And since I sometimes would drink then sober up a bit and drive home I would think. How did you know you didn't hit someone? You had drinks so how would you know? And so next day I would go back to all the streets I drove through to look for a body or police and check the news every hour for updates until I can finally accept nothing happened. Well this suddenly started happening during the day when I haven't even drank. I would hit bumps and think I ran over someone and I would have to go back and check 3 or 5 times to be sure. Well my last bump home has caused me endless worry and anxiety I've been tempted to call the police on myself. I was drinking with friends at his house and we stopped around 11. I ate some food. Hung out till about 12 45 am and then decided to go home. Me and another friend live in the same direction so I drove behind him. I figure I hit a bump and I look back thinking I hit someone but decided to not give in and go home. Next day I woke up shaking and dreadful that I killed someone and left. And how would I know I had drank so maybe I just don't remember. I drove back of course and checked looked for a body and found nothing. Checked my car for blood and dents found nothing. Went to work thinking I was ok. Later I started thinking well there's a ditch that crosses under the road. I must have knocked them down there and there's a body. I tried not to give in and I went back and walked by the ditches. On small one for irrigation. The other is a huge drainage ditch. Saw nothing and left. But then it turned into "well the water must have come through and washed it away. (Small irrigation ditch was wet but nothing was there. The larger one was completely dry except for the tunnels under the street where I figure rain water had collected and couldn't dry up since we have had storms for the last 10 days.) So, once again here I go again. I figure the drainage ditch flows south since all the large pipes face that direction and I started about 3 miles down and walked up and found nothing. This is where I can't believe how far I went. I found a small hill im assuming is for machinery to get down and clean the ditch and walked down and inspected the area by the tunnels where I am damn sure a body must have fallen. And well nothing found. I couldn't walk through the tunnels under the street as they still had maybe a foot of water. But you can see across to the other side and nothing but water and a chair and shopping cart somehow just lying there. Anyways I assume now maybe the body somehow floated inside there and is sitting inside the 1 or so foot of water and I just can't see it and somehow the water just moved it.
Im so obsessed with finding a body. My mind races. What if I killed someone? What if there body is in the ditch somewhere and I just don't know? Wouldn't there be dents on my car at least? If not blood? How could I knock someone into the ditch? It's about 20 feet from the street with no guard rail so it's possible isn't it? The water has come through the ditch and washed it away. But how if I was able to crawl down and most of it was completely dry? Wouldn't it be so soaked and muddy if water had washed through that I couldn't even walk down and around? It would take millions of gallons of water to fill that drainage ditch? Most of it was dry except the tunnels since maybe water collected there? Im so tempted to go back and check again. What if it's in the tunnels and the water is hiding it? How would it get pushed through without water running through? You were drinking so you don't remember Even though you remember driving home and even not playing music because you already know how paranoid you get?
Anyways I've decided to not drink at all for now. And I regret having drank and drove home even though I waited a bit, ate some food and drank water to try and sober up. How would I know I wasn't still drunk? Maybe I blacked out and hit this person and I just don't remember. I've been crying thinking im gonna go to jail when they find the body i can't find. Im gonna lose my job. My family. My girlfriend. Everything. This is so overwhelming. I can't go to jail. I'll commit suicide. I've never been arrested. Tell me im crazy. Nothing makes me feel better. Any thoughts?