I want this to be pocd so bad, but I really don’t know

26 October 2020 - 20:31

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I guess I don’t really know what to say I might write something longer later but I just found this site a little while so yeah.  I’m so scared this has been going on for months.  I’ve posted to so many different fourms.  I spend hours reading articles on ocd and pedophilia.  I try to read about the psychology of sex offenders and see if anything matches up with me.  I’ve tried writing out every detail I can think of and asking helplines or support groups if I’m a pedophile or not and I can never get a straightforward answer.  Some people say I am, some people say I’m not, some people say they don’t know.  I defiantly think I have ocd from looking at the other symptoms.  I’ve had a lot of strange fears or ritualistic behaviors that sound a lot like ocd.  I guess the health and religious anxiety were pretty scary for me, but even then everything’s been more or less passing fears and I never really thought that much about them at the end of the day.  This is just so much different.  There are a lot more real events and evidence than usual ocd.  I’ve heard of people having both pedophila and ocd at the same time.  I’ve had someone tell me that I have ocd and I’m obsessing over my actual pedophilia.  I hate myself so much, and I every day I tell myself what a better place this world would be without me, but I’d never hurt myself because I know my family needs the person they think I am.  I’m only 17, but it sometimes feels like my life is already over.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a relationship.  I’ll never have kids if I can’t figure this out for sure.  I’d rather die than hurt a child.  I think what scares me more than anything is how numb I’m starting to become to the possibility that this is real.  Like I’ve had some nights where I just couldn’t stop crying and shaking uncontrollably because the thoughts just wouldn’t go away and I just kept telling myself how much I deserved to die, but it was almost comforting to feel that because it seemed like a natural response, but most of the time I’ll try to feel disgusted and terrified but I don’t think I really do and when I say i I deserve to die it doesn’t really feel like I mean it.    I’m also really high functioning and hide this really well.  I don’t want anyone to know how I feel.   But then I feel like that means maybe I’m faking it.  I don’t really know I wanted to write here. I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words.  I guess I’ve just been trying to analyze all my memories and try to figure out who I am and where I went so wrong to get here.  I have so many stories, and so many questions.  I don’t know I guess I just wanted something to put here.  

27 October 2020 - 6:59

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This sounds like classic OCD.

I think, rather than doing all this research online, you should talk to your doctor about getting some therapy to help you.

27 October 2020 - 23:44

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I agree with johna, you are not a pedophile but instead suffer from OCD. I'm truly sorry that you are suffering so much recently. I know that it can be one of the hardest OCD themes to deal with, but you can successfully get through this. Now, let's go through your post step-by-step.

Quote:
 I’ve posted to so many different fourms.  I spend hours reading articles on ocd and pedophilia.  I try to read about the psychology of sex offenders and see if anything matches up with me.  I’ve tried writing out every detail I can think of and asking helplines or support groups if I’m a pedophile or not and I can never get a straightforward answer.

This is what I did with almost all my OCD themes, too. You are seeking reassurance and to such an extent that it seems very likely that you have OCD. Maybe you already realized this, but you will never be happy with any answer, which you said yourself:

Quote:
Some people say I am, some people say I’m not, some people say they don’t know.  I defiantly think I have ocd from looking at the other symptoms.

Although some people already told you you are not a pedophile, you weren't done. Although others told you that it's OCD, you weren't satisfied. Classic for OCD. Which is very sad because we sufferers are always in our mental circle and find it difficult to break out of it.

I also recommend to get a therapist and/or psychiatrist, so they can help you. If it helps you, they can give you an official diagnosis of OCD. But let me tell you, even with an official diagnosis your OCD will tell you from time to time that you don't have it. Don't listen to that.

Quote:
I’d rather die than hurt a child.

This really says it all if you ask me. To me your post shows actually no indication of pedophilia. I also want to say that you do NOT deserve to die, do you hear me? Even pedophiles don't deserve to die. There is NO reason for you to thing about this. You deserve love and happiness. I don't think you are faking anything whatsoever. It is your OCD once more.

Quote:
I don’t want anyone to know how I feel.   But then I feel like that means maybe I’m faking it.

No, this is actually common. I do that myself sometimes - avoiding to talk about my worries and anxiety to friends and family. It has nothing to do with faking it. To me it seems more like you actually don't want to bother your family.

 

Quote:
I guess I’ve just been trying to analyze all my memories and try to figure out who I am and where I went so wrong to get here.

Again, this is really common OCD compulsions, I think it is called mental review. It will not get you far.

Feel free to post more on this forum. Take a look at this forum, in general (to gather information and not for reassurance). It will be a great help to see that you are not alone by any means.

I truly wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself. You can do this.

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