26 October 2020 - 20:31
I guess I don’t really know what to say I might write something longer later but I just found this site a little while so yeah. I’m so scared this has been going on for months. I’ve posted to so many different fourms. I spend hours reading articles on ocd and pedophilia. I try to read about the psychology of sex offenders and see if anything matches up with me. I’ve tried writing out every detail I can think of and asking helplines or support groups if I’m a pedophile or not and I can never get a straightforward answer. Some people say I am, some people say I’m not, some people say they don’t know. I defiantly think I have ocd from looking at the other symptoms. I’ve had a lot of strange fears or ritualistic behaviors that sound a lot like ocd. I guess the health and religious anxiety were pretty scary for me, but even then everything’s been more or less passing fears and I never really thought that much about them at the end of the day. This is just so much different. There are a lot more real events and evidence than usual ocd. I’ve heard of people having both pedophila and ocd at the same time. I’ve had someone tell me that I have ocd and I’m obsessing over my actual pedophilia. I hate myself so much, and I every day I tell myself what a better place this world would be without me, but I’d never hurt myself because I know my family needs the person they think I am. I’m only 17, but it sometimes feels like my life is already over. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have a relationship. I’ll never have kids if I can’t figure this out for sure. I’d rather die than hurt a child. I think what scares me more than anything is how numb I’m starting to become to the possibility that this is real. Like I’ve had some nights where I just couldn’t stop crying and shaking uncontrollably because the thoughts just wouldn’t go away and I just kept telling myself how much I deserved to die, but it was almost comforting to feel that because it seemed like a natural response, but most of the time I’ll try to feel disgusted and terrified but I don’t think I really do and when I say i I deserve to die it doesn’t really feel like I mean it. I’m also really high functioning and hide this really well. I don’t want anyone to know how I feel. But then I feel like that means maybe I’m faking it. I don’t really know I wanted to write here. I have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words. I guess I’ve just been trying to analyze all my memories and try to figure out who I am and where I went so wrong to get here. I have so many stories, and so many questions. I don’t know I guess I just wanted something to put here.