23 May 2019 - 22:00
Hello, everyone.I have chosen to take the path of uncertainty.Whether I get formally diagnosed or not, I know that's not gonna fix my problem.I don't know if I have OCD. My symptoms and what I'm going through sounds like OCD but I, nore my friends have the credentials to diagnose me. Even if we did - this is OCD. I am never going to find my answer just by being diagnosed because that is the nature of the disorder. So, I'm going to take the risk. I am going to accept and acknowledge that maybe what I feel could mean anything - It could be OCD, it could be something bad, it could be neither, it could mean nothing. I am going to devalue this fear. I know doing it alone can seem scary and if something goes wrong I assure you that I'll definitely be seeking any professional treatment I can get. But for now - I can't afford to lose anymore of my life and my time to fear. I was normal before this, meaning that I can go back to being normal. I'm going to stop chasing after an answer I'm probably never going to find and I'm going to live happy not knowing. If the worst case scenario happens to be the outcome, then I guess I was born with a messed up brain and that there's nothing really I can do about it besides be my best self every single day. I want us all to accept this - we are never going to find an answer. Even if God came from the heavens and told us it's OCD - we still would doubt him. I know we all desperately need answers, but we're desperate for something that's a temporary relief, not something that will make us whole again. I'm going to accept that. I'm going to see how this goes. I can't go on devoting all of my time and energy searching for something I'll never get anyways so... This is it for me. I'll try not to use this forum as a compulsion - if you want to be friends with me or you need someone to talk to I'm always here - but I'm not going to reassure you. Thank you everyone. Please don't judge me or try to change my decision. I understand that you all care and I appreciate it and I'm not against seeking professional help - by all means do it, but this is a personal choice I am making. I wanted a formal diagnosis because I was chasing a compulsion. That is the truth. I was desperately in need of the truth and who better to give me that than someone supervised by Dr. Phillipson himself right? Well I know It's not going to do anything but give me momentary relief. So I guess I'll never know and I'm fine with that.