1 March 2020 - 8:20
I have been dealing with HOCD for 3 months now it started because i thought this girl was pretty ( i'm a straight teen girl by the way) And my brain all of a sudden said you like her and i started freaking out, i also have anxiety and these thoughts cause me to be physically sick and get panic attacks. I keep looking at girls and seeing if i feel anything and i never do i do however admire them and get envious. I remember my lesbian friend came for a sleep over and the whole time i was scared i might act on my intrusive thoughts it made me so disgusted. We also got dressed in the same room and my brain said i should just turn around and that made me so scared but i also compulsively look at girls to make sure i don't feel anything and i never do. It's just that a lot of my friends are coming out as bi and i feel in a way pressured even though i know deep down i'm not. At one point i convinced myself i was lesbian and i would have to tell my family but it freaked me out not the telling part but because i just knew i wasn't its only in my head. I now avoid all my friends who are girls because i'm scared i'll do something or randomly start being attracted to them. I have gotten aroused by women portrayed sexually before but it's never something i want to act on its just subconscious and i've read that it's very common. I never get aroused by women normally either. I also want to point out i have no issue with being lesbian but it just isn't me i have no interest in going into a sexual relationship with a women it makes me uncomfortable but i'm scared now that i'm not disgusted enough by it because i keep thinking about it and it doesn't feel good it just feels weird and i know they're just thoughts. I have moments when i see a guy or think about the guy i like and i get so happy and in those moments i know that i'm straight. I also want to say that i'm entirely supportive of the LGBTQA+ community and support all the people and stand up to people against it but now my head is telling me i argues with people about it because i am a lesbian. Anyways i am seeing a therapist for anxiety at the moment and she's very helpful because i also deal with self harm and suicide intrusive thoughts and fear of developing other severe mental illnesses. I'm at a really low stage right now and would really appreciate replies.