7 June 2019 - 6:34
I was diagnosed with OCD about 6 years ago and I have been obsessed about my sexual orientation for pretty much that amount of time on and off. The obsessions largely went away when I was on 200mg of Sertraline during the time I was in the final years of highschool, however, as soon as I went off the medication the same obsession would come back with varying intensity. It is the kind of obsession that likes to prey on everything about my personality looking for signs that I might be gay. I didn't identify as gay before the obsessions began and hadn't questioned my sexual orientation before that time. It just all began randomly one day and was triggered by a story about a gay man which was read during highschool class. I began to worry about my attractions, experiencing weird sensations and images of friends, and questioning my clothing style, hobbies- I play field hockey, and personality- I started to wonder my sense of humour was unusual for a woman and that might mean something about me, or that I was too much like my father, or that I was too intelligent to be a woman etc. All of these thoughts are irrational but I always needed to confirm that they weren't a problem. I also began questioning my memories and would get random memories of women from movies I had seen when I was in my childhood, or girls I had seen at school or at church growing up. This is reassurance seeking, I know, but I always feel that things that feel like memories seem more significant? Right now I am ruminating constantly on a memory of a girl I saw at church once or twice, their family went to church regularly with us and wondering why I would remember her? It just popped into my head randomly one day. Anyone have advice on these random OCD memory pops?