22 August 2018 - 8:27
I need some help. I have recently started to suffer from HOCD again, I originally suffered back in 2012/13 but around 4 weeks ago it came back due to a groinal response during a TV show. I am really struggling to deal with the thoughts I am trying to resist compulsions but the thoughts are with me 24/7 I constantly feel/have swelling in my penis to every single man I see. I have always wanted to be with women, I remember my first feeling of love it was a girl that I remained in love with for about four years. However, now everything just comes back to the thoughts in my head and the groinal response I feel nothing towards my partner any more. I have no sex drive, I have done all the checking to porn but have recently stopped as I know that gay porn just makes it swell a little whereas straight porn allows me to get an erection and going over that repeatedly isn’t going to achieve anything but worry even though I keep getting the urge to check. I have no intention of having sex with a man, even with all of the groinal responses and thoughts. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than that.
I need to advice on what I should and shouldn’t do, I am on medication and am starting CBT but I have had a bad run with therapy due to where I live having very poor OCD support. How do I deal with the thoughts? How do I move forward even if it’s only a small step at a time? How do I set go of this content thought process, followed by googling and rumination?
Please help me I am loosing myself all over again, I am a 24 year old male that is stuck and cry at least once a day.