HOCD Really Struggling HELP PLEASE!

22 August 2018 - 8:27

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Hello all,

I need some help. I have recently started to suffer from HOCD again, I originally suffered back in 2012/13 but around 4 weeks ago it came back due to a groinal response during a TV show. I am really struggling to deal with the thoughts I am trying to resist compulsions but the thoughts are with me 24/7 I constantly feel/have swelling in my penis to every single man I see. I have always wanted to be with women, I remember my first feeling of love it was a girl that I remained in love with for about four years. However, now everything just comes back to the thoughts in my head and the groinal response I feel nothing towards my partner any more. I have no sex drive, I have done all the checking to porn but have recently stopped as I know that gay porn just makes it swell a little whereas straight porn allows me to get an erection and going over that repeatedly isn’t going to achieve anything but worry even though I keep getting the urge to check. I have no intention of having sex with a man, even with all of the groinal responses and thoughts. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than that.

I need to advice on what I should and shouldn’t do, I am on medication and am starting CBT but I have had a bad run with therapy due to where I live having very poor OCD support. How do I deal with the thoughts? How do I move forward even if it’s only a small step at a time? How do I set go of this content thought process, followed by googling and rumination?

 

Please help me I am loosing myself all over again, I am a 24 year old male that is stuck and cry at least once a day.  

22 August 2018 - 9:28

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Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now. I mainly have harm-ocd thoughts, but I can really relate to the way that you're feeling. When my OCD-thoughts take over, I constantly check how I feel about things and this usually leads to me feeling even worse. I may not have experience of these particular feelings, but what I find is the more I fight the more confused I feel. When I stop fighting my thoughts (checking them, disproving them or similar), I usually feel bad for a while but it tends to ware off. When it does, you see clearer. This takes practice, and it might not work right away. Don't blame yourself if you can't do it right away, and do not blame yourself for your thoughts. You aren't what you think. I hope you feel better soon, I certainly do not want you to feel this way, I know it's horrible. Can you talk to your partner about this?

22 August 2018 - 9:50

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Hello!

Thank you for replying to me. What you said does make sense to me, I remeber when I first hand it I just gave up fighting and let them be and over time it went and I got my arousal and life back. However, this time I cant shake it, I have had small lapes during my time with this and other forms of OCD mostly health related but have just let them be. However, this time I relapsed and it feels so strong and so real all day, everyday and the fact that its back up again makes me doubt that I had HOCD the first time around and that I just represent it really well and had three years of a mostly joyful relationship full of love. 

I have spoken to my partner about it recently, however, yesterday when we went out I got stuck in my mind and everything was worrying me and I started to cry a little and she walked off from me and left me and once we got home she went to bed and I sat alone in the other room googling trying to make myself feel better but it doesn't work anymore. 

Thank you for replying again!

 

22 August 2018 - 11:46

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Hi Again,

No need to thank me, this forum have helped me so much and I want to do what I can to help others too.

I recognize what you're feeling. I too get thoughts that just stick and it doesn't seem like I'll ever get rid of them. It can keep me occupied a whole day (or even days) and scare me to the point that I shake. I feel your pain cause this is so scary, I wonder what will happen if I can't let it go. However, this is also what keeps them in my head. And know, thoughts that I never though I was going to get rid off doesn't seem that important to me. I think it's the fear that they'll stick and what that will lead to that's the worst part. 

I've tried looking really hard at my fears and just accepting them. That they might me true. This is VERY hard I know, especially when you feel the worst. I try doing this when I'm a bit stronger. 

It's normal to question your OCD, I too do it all the time. I know it doesn't seem like it'll go away but have hope, cause it vent away before? 

OCD can be hard for our family too, try not to read too much into it. My partner gets frustrated at me sometimes too but it's just because he feels so powerless. 

Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone! 

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