4 February 2020 - 17:17
Since last spring, I have been constantly questioning my sexual orientation. It all started by my friend of same sex (I'm a male) at work being overly flirty with my, slapping my ass and stuff like that and then I started thinking that he must be into me. I started thinking about him all the time and I wasn't sure what to think any more. In a way, I became somehow attracted to him, even though it felt always somehow weird.
This led me going on Grindr, exploring whether I actually was gay, after 8 years of obsessing about it. I went on a date with a guy, he was super nice and we connected really well. I even slept with him. To be honest, when I was in bed with him, I just wanted to open up to him and talk about stuff but (at least that time) I didn't feel very strong sexual attraction to him. I was just confused and wanted to run away from the situation. It felt like I was just using him to check once again whether I was gay or not.
Last autumn I started watching gay porn to check if I got aroused by it. Not a single time has that happened, it just felt bad. To this point, I've actually watched quite a lot of gay porn. Now it doesn't repulse me anymore but it just feels weird.
I dated multiple girls last year, 10 or 20 and had sex with many of them. But every time I somehow got anxious and got rid of them or the thing ended really soon for some reason. I just didn't have feelings for them, I just wanted to fuck them really, some of them once, some of them couple of more times. Sex was ok but I haven't enjoyed sex with girls that much lately. I feel like I'm trying too hard or something.
So now I've found myself in a sort of relationship with a girl. She's nice but I'm just super anxious with her for some reason. I don't know why but now I'm starting to question my orientation all over again, even though according to my physical reactions when I'm touching her, it is clear that I am something else than gay. I feel guilty because I'm not attracted to her the way that I would want. I blame my OCD for that (I do have a diagnosis, worst ones have been those that address my family, children friends etc.)
Sex doesn't work at all at the moment, because I've ruined my libido by comparing straight and gay porn all the time. It's hard to be turned on by anything right now.
So yeah, basically I'm just a mess right now. Downloading and uninstalling Tinder every day, scrolling through guys and girls, comparing to whom I'm more attracted to and it's driving me crazy. I don't know anymore with whom I want to be or to have sex with. Sometimes I look at guys and I feel attracted to some of them. But it's never been as I'd like to kiss them or anything more than romantic stuff.
I'm not seeking reassurance from anyone because I know that it's not the answer to the problem. I just wanted to share this with you guys because I think that I'm going insane. Any advice?