HOCD + dating

4 February 2020 - 17:17

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Hey

Since last spring, I have been constantly questioning my sexual orientation. It all started by my friend of same sex (I'm a male) at work being overly flirty with my, slapping my ass and stuff like that and then I started thinking that he must be into me. I started thinking about him all the time and I wasn't sure what to think any more. In a way, I became somehow attracted to him, even though it felt always somehow weird.

This led me going on Grindr, exploring whether I actually was gay, after 8 years of obsessing about it. I went on a date with a guy, he was super nice and we connected really well. I even slept with him. To be honest, when I was in bed with him, I just wanted to open up to him and talk about stuff but (at least that time) I didn't feel very strong sexual attraction to him. I was just confused and wanted to run away from the situation. It felt like I was just using him to check once again whether I was gay or not.

Last autumn I started watching gay porn to check if I got aroused by it. Not a single time has that happened, it just felt bad. To this point, I've actually watched quite a lot of gay porn. Now it doesn't repulse me anymore but it just feels weird.

I dated multiple girls last year, 10 or 20 and had sex with many of them. But every time I somehow got anxious and got rid of them or the thing ended really soon for some reason. I just didn't have feelings for them, I just wanted to fuck them really, some of them once, some of them couple of more times. Sex was ok but I haven't enjoyed sex with girls that much lately. I feel like I'm trying too hard or something. 

So now I've found myself in a sort of relationship with a girl. She's nice but I'm just super anxious with her for some reason. I don't know why but now I'm starting to question my orientation all over again, even though according to my physical reactions when I'm touching her, it is clear that I am something else than gay. I feel guilty because I'm not attracted to her the way that I would want. I blame my OCD for that (I do have a diagnosis, worst ones have been those that address my family, children friends etc.)

Sex doesn't work at all at the moment, because I've ruined my libido by comparing straight and gay porn all the time. It's hard to be turned on by anything right now.

So yeah, basically I'm just a mess right now. Downloading and uninstalling Tinder every day, scrolling through guys and girls, comparing to whom I'm more attracted to and it's driving me crazy. I don't know anymore with whom I want to be or to have sex with. Sometimes I look at guys and I feel attracted to some of them. But it's never been as I'd like to kiss them or anything more than romantic stuff.

I'm not seeking reassurance from anyone because I know that it's not the answer to the problem. I just wanted to share this with you guys because I think that I'm going insane. Any advice?

4 February 2020 - 18:03

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I've lost my mind aswell. My life is completely fuckin shot and I don't believe im ever going to be happy or stable again. This OCD fucks with my head so bad that I question every little detail and feeling that I'm getting. You went full OUT, I don't think some people go that far into questioning. I don't have really any advice but damn, maybe your gay man. It's pure hell but I NEVER went that far into it wow.. btw you never said if you had a gf before this or was heterosexual and liked women. You don't give to much detail into your previous relationships.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 4 February 2020 - 18:13

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Don't listen to my last post I was trying to edit it when I realized I didn't read your story completely. I have problems with this site I get access denied. Not really sure what advice to give cause I don't have any thing but I'm going through something similar. It's pure hell

5 February 2020 - 8:27

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Yea. I mean I don’t identify myself as a gay man. Even though I liked intimacy with another man, I do like pussy as well! There is a strong possibility that I am a bisexual.

I had a 1,5 year relationship with a woman and during my 20’s I’ve dated multiple women. I never fell in love with them though.. could have just some emotional issues.

Anyway, I have been thinking about going out with a man again but the sex just doesn’t feel good as an idea. I dunno. The constant checking is just very consuming.

 

6 February 2020 - 19:31

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Personally I don’t really think your questioning is OCD. Yes you are checking but one thing to add is that porn isn’t an indicator to your sexuality. A gay person told me that he doesn’t enjoy gay porn but can easily say that imagining himself having sex with man or seeing a relationship was what he wanted and masturbation through imagination is what keeps him going. I honestly think you should really sit there and just accept whatever feelings you have. You might be gay, and that’s fine. You might be bisexual and that’s fine. And you might be straight and that’s fine. But you must sit down and think about what fits you well. And you don’t really indicate that you were necessarily attracted to woman more than you are attracted to men. It just seems like having sex with woman for you is just sex and nothing else. From you said it doesn’t seem like you barely enjoy.

however, don’t just take my advice since I am not a professional, so my opinion isn’t really that big. Please see one and if you do be clear of what is going on in your confusion and they’ll hopefully lead you to the right path.

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