HOCD Compulsions starting to backfire

30 September 2020 - 1:07

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Geez, I feel like I’ve posted on here so much today. Anyways, one of my biggest compulsions that used to bring me so much relief was a form of checking I believe. I would imagine myself doing something with a girl and would then feel uncomfortable by the idea and feel reassured that the thoughts were in fact not real. Now that compulsion isn’t necessarily giving me reassurance anymore. My thoughts keep telling me that I’m faking my uncomfortableness, which in turn makes me feel like I’m genuinely faking it, which in turn gives me even more anxiety because oh my god what if I’ve actually liked it all along. Why is this? Why is it that a compulsion that once gave me so much relief is now blowing up in my face? Does it really mean the thoughts are real?

1 October 2020 - 16:59

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I understand about your reassurance urge. I think we could be phd researchers dont you think? In my case I feel like a prisoner of a despotic and unmerciful mind which is punishing any bit of positive thought. I dont know if Ive got OCD, but Im really anxious almost about anything. Besides, I have been cheking so many times whether Im gay or not because I enjoy gay porn and fantazising about that, although I tried twice, when high, and I didnt really enjoy. I mean, I felt like shit because all my excitement came from pornography, an illusion.I spend weeks anxious and making remakes of the moment in my mind to see if I really liked. Thing is that I like girls.

Through some research I found out it was normal, and the other way round too (to fantasize with different than sexual orientation). But I feel guilty. Because I want black/white things, quick answers and reassurance. all or nothing. Gay or hetero. Reality I think is far more complex. I am not gay or bi, but Id be really scared to be, because that would mean Iam a liar to everybody to myself, that Im scared about not to bebrave to recognize it. I do also have fears about what if my friends think that Im trying something with them. They will probably think that Im gay, but same is happening with kids and girls. Im so scared about the "What ifs".

I then linked anxiety with hypersexuality. Aparently is not uncommon. Do some research if you are up to. Stop searching for groinal responses, that would make you more anxious because pornography is based on taboo breaking, to "trascend" barriers. In my case, it destroyed every wall.

Please leave your theory and flee. Swith off that Tv of yours and enjoy this very moment. Remember that you are your best friend. And friends help each other. Furthermore, why you need a label for? I

ve got answers for others, poor ones, but none for myself anyways.

 

Best wishes!

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