HOCD, is this a backdoor spike

25 August 2018 - 9:55

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Hello, 

Yesterday I was walking my dog and was trying a form of acceptance towards my thoughts. When a thought came into my mind about being gay. I instantly replied with ‘Great, I am sure that I will love it’ and this gave me a moments piece then my mind followed up with ‘you would love to give a blow job’ and this coursed me to reply again. However, with this reply I felt odd like my OCD was winning as when I accepted it I had no anxiety. So when I got home I just sat there and slumped on the sofa for the rest of the night as my mind is telling me I would like it and I couldn’t stop thinking about it or stop it. A couple of weeks ago I was sure that I had no interest in preforming sexual acts on men or kissing them but now I am not sure what I want any more. Is this normal? Have I just fell so deep into the rabbit hole that I have started to believe it? Or am I just gay? 

Cheers

This post has been thanked 1 time. 26 August 2018 - 13:46

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Hi there, I get the same thing. When I practice acceptance new thoughts pop into my head ALL the time. I can go a whole day and "accepting" all kinds of thoughts. After a while I can feel like the intrusive thought is becoming reality, and this makes me feel so bad. But what I try to do is just to "live" with the feeling that this is how it is, just accepting the feeling of it being true, and eventually it goes away. It can take a while but most of the time it works. OCD makes you question everything, this is why you don't feel sure anymore. It will make you doubt. 

 

26 August 2018 - 23:21

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hey ocdonthebrain,  i fully agree with thetherese.  removing the negativity from your compulsion is a difficult step,  but it's often the negativity that causes the compulsion or fear to spiral in the first place.  allow your brain to have those thoughts - don't focus on them,  but when they come,  be accepting and positive to yourself.  say  "okay,  well,  if it happens,  i'll be okay with it."  nothing more.  if they're really hitting you,  distract yourself with a game,  book,  or video,  if possible.  by removing the negativity,  you help to decrease the spiral,  and the compulsions will eventually fade.  best of luck!

This post has been thanked 2 times. 28 August 2018 - 11:30

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I know this feeling,if i accept it,i have this too. Its very hard i know.And i need to say to myself that i will not be not straight. You dont like it,your mind tells it but no. U cant just change your sexuality that way,my psychologist said that its a thing u born with so don panic,i recovered from it 4 years ago,but now,on August 5 it came back after a very stressful,depressed week. So i think i recover from it again. I took Sertraline with talk therapy,i dont know if it was CBT but we talked about how i feel,and questions. And i noticed that it got fade away. After 1 year i got recovered from it 100%. Very rare thoughts,but they went away very quickly. So i lived a happy life. But now its very hard,im very anxious. Please take a hint,im thinking of suicide if i cant recover,but i dont want to i love my mom. If i recovered from it,i could recover from it again? If i dont have this trauma, im still symptom free. Im suffering,what i planned to do is doomed. I had plans. I didnt even think about this shit. I forgot it,like it just never happened. But i talked about it and nothing,it didn't came back. Just now when i was super anxious...

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