HOCD and ROCD (Chicken or the egg syndrom)

28 November 2014 - 21:08

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Hello All, I am brand new here but I am going to take you all back to the beginning and hopefully you all can help me and hopefully my story will help others as well. Let me begin by saying that I am currently seeing a therapist (off and on) and just recently started taking Prozac to hopefully help with my Intrusive thoughts. So here goes nothing...

I have been in a relationship for 5 years and I know that our relationship is not perfect but we both work hard to make each other happy and we sacrifice a lot for one another so I know there is love but sometimes I feel as though I don't really want to be in this relationship (more so when I am stressed or anxious). We have suffered some infidelity issues on both sides and have agreed to work on it but its startling to me when I start having these thoughts and doubts about my relationship that really make me feel as though im ready to get out. I love my girlfriend and she has sacrificed an unimaginable amount to help me complete my schooling but yet these re-occuring thoughts keep coming up. We have recently begun discussing marriage and I truly feel that I will be happy with my girlfriend by my side but these damned thoughts are oppressing.

So here comes the curve ball, In addition to my Relationship OCD, which is rather new. I have been suffering from Harm OCD for a few years. I have never been a violent person and with the exception of hitting my dogs when I was younger (Which, I still feel uncomfortable and remorseful about til this day) I have never acted out aggressively against a person before. It all started 2-3 years ago and up until this point, I was content with my relationship (we had our issues but they were to be expected) but then I started to find another girl attractive. It immediately became obvious that I was irrationally thinking/fantasizing about being with her and ruining the relationship that my girlfriend and I had worked to build. I started rapidly thinking of ways that I could sabotage or ruin my relationship to make myself available to court this new person who I really had no interaction with other than seeing here periodically (She was a barista at a local cafe). Shortly after this happened, the harms thoughts started. I had thoughts about all sorts of crazy stuff ranging from knives, firearms, strangling, etc all of which caused me immense anxiety and discomfort. I also started having images in my head of the aftermath of acting on these thoughts and what would happen when people found what I had done, etc. This is when I sought Therapy for the first time. I was originally diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with Panic attacks which I feel was inaccurate and I then went elsewhere. I entered into Psychotherapy at a local counseling center and it seemed just talking about it helped reduce the anxiety and the hold these thoughts had over me. I foolishly thought that after a few sessions I was cured and discontinued my treatment. Everything was fine for a few months, I still had the same intrusive thoughts but was able to manage them and see them as nothing more then a nuisance. I did see a correlation between them and my anxiety so I tried to be mindful and remember that anxiety can be managed provided you don't allow yourself to become overwhelmed. Unfortunately, it came back (it always does). After going out and celebrating my Girlfriends recent birthday, the harm thoughts manifested again and recently they have been rather intense with urges in my shoulders and forearms. I understand that these urges and tightness can be a result of adrenaline and anxiety but they still are causing me quite a great deal of discomfort and with these thoughts the return of my relationship anxiety is causing me a great deal of discomfort and unease in my relationship. As I said, I just recently started back with my Therapy and I am supplementing this with a prescription to Prozac (10mg/day at the moment but will likely increase to 20mg) which will hopefully assist in the process. My question and the reason for writing to you all today, is this... Do you believe that my Harm OCD is in response to my relationship doubts? is my relationship anxiety genuine? am I doubting my relationship because of the harmful thought? Am I crazy and I really want to hurt her? Am I going to lose control?

Thank you for anyone who reads my story, and I would be even more grateful for any words of advice or similar stories that could help me through this difficult time. I hope that my struggle with these thoughts will help others...


27 December 2014 - 22:20

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Location: London, England
Join date: Nov 2009
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Hi smopf,

Sorry no one has replied to your post, I've been off the forums for a while and so have only just seen your post.

I see that you were just starting back with your therapist and had just started medication. How is it going with the therapy? Have you expressed your concerns to your therapist? Therapists can only help if we are open and honest with them, they need to be in possession of all the facts in order to help.

Please do let us know how you are doing.

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