HOCD

5 March 2020 - 16:52

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Hello all,

Just a quick post. I was wondering if anyone was suffering with anything similar or has suffered. I’m a male, just before I go any further.  

I have suffered with what I think is HOCD for around 6 years. It has killed my life and stopped from doing so much.

I am just wondering whether any ‘straight’ guys who suffer with this, ever have a nervous/panic when they speak to other men they consider good looking. I feel like this is almost certain proof I am gay, because I can’t relax when I am with them. It’s not a feeling of excitement but literally just terror. Like I notice they’re handsome and my heads just fills me with anxiety. It makes me shake and my heart pounds, similar to an anxiety attack.

I don’t remember when it started but I know that until HOCD I never thought about men sexually. I still don’t tend to think of men in that way.

I find it hard to differentiate the difference between ‘attraction/finding someone attractive vs sexual attraction’. Can anyone help clear this up? 

7 March 2020 - 11:38

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Anyone?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 7 March 2020 - 12:59

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6 Years ? Why would you do that to yourself ? Please contact a therapist about that matter. It's time to take action and move on with your life Waiting and obsessing won't solve the problem.

Ben

7 March 2020 - 19:30

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If I’m honest, I don’t think I have HOCD. I think because when I was younger I was always terrified of being gay, I subconsciously suppressed all gay thoughts. All my sexual experiences have been with girls but about half of them, I’ve been having thoughts about men that seem intrusive but mean something. Girls used to turn me on in school but now I don’t get aroused at all. I went to strip club with my friends and nearly had an anxiety attack because I thought “if I don’t get hard or enjoy it, I’m gay”. I had a dance and was turned on massively but that doesn’t prove anything. I honestly think I could live with it, if I’d never had fantasies with girls. The fact that I’ll never fall in love with a girl or have children, makes me feel upset. I just think I’ve done what’s expected of me. I started watching porn when I was 12 and have been ‘addicted’ ever since. I’ve watched incest porn, tranny porn, gay porn, anime porn, you name it. Normal porn doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Only the most absurd and weird stuff turns me on. I spend every day hoping I could go back to my 13/14 year old self who was desperate to have sex with girls, but that person is gone. I’m nothing other than a shell. Guys are very good looking, when I see them I feel terror and no excitement. When a good looking guy talks to me, I fold and turn into a bag of nerves. Literally full of anxiety. But with girls, even attractive ones, I don’t get anything. 

7 March 2020 - 20:56

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Well do you enjoy the thoughts go men? Do you enjoy masturbating to the thoughts of men? Do you feel more around or to men than women? Have you always been attracted to men but just wanted to get a girl so you can be “normal” like the rest? 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 7 March 2020 - 23:54

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Hi blade you always say "I feel like I am enjoying the thoughts". Do you enjoy them or not ? I don't get why you compare yourself to every human being on this planet. It's not healthy to do that. It's much better if you concentrate on your own story and do therapy. 

8 March 2020 - 0:19

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Hi Nothing, so you've basically enjoyed different kinds of pornography ! Congrats to that, because it means that you already found out a bit of yourself. There are critics who say that porn is bad but science / especially psychologists trained in sexual behavior (Book for example "Ethical porn for dicks" by David j Ley) say that porn can be beneficial in finding out personal likes and dislikes. Also there are studies who have shown that pornography does not show addiction patterns in the human brain like drugs for example so addiction is maybe the wrong word. (Sidenote: People who masturbate many times a day while watching porn are referred to hypersexual behavior wich can have many reasons, but in the end its not addiction.) So at times it can be confusing to watch porn but it will not destroy anything in your brain. From your post I can see that there is also interest in "non-straight" sexual behavior wich is totally fine, the struggle often comes when that part is pushed away. Is that your problem ? 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 8 March 2020 - 7:59

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Blade, you need to stop testing all the time you’ll never get better man! I know it’s so hard but stop doing all the compulsions/checking and imagining. It’s getting you NOWHERE. You will not solve this ever by testing. You’ve been told by many people what you need to do, it’s up to you to start doing it if you want to get better. 

You’re seeing a therapist now right? How’s that going? Wishing you well.

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