9 October 2016 - 22:44
Well its been quite a bit since ive posted. And since my last post that explains my new obsession, im still stuck with it to this day. In short ive been a drinker for quite a while, years actually. Anywho i know its bad but ive driven after drinking a few times and i started getting a flood of thoughts and i would rush out the morning after in my car to scan all the streets for any pedestrian i might have hit and left. Always finding nothing and stuck for a few days obssessing on whether i missed something. Well the last time this happened ( i say last time cause with this obsession and worry im never gonna drive after drinking ever again) i ran over a small pot hole. At least thats what i found on the street and argue about back and forth. Anyways this was on my way home from a friends and i was buzzed from beer but i mean i remember driving home. Remember a car in front of me that ran a stop and red light. Anyways i felt the pot hole and thought crap what if i hit someone. But decided not to give in like before. Come morning i was in a panic. Searched the streets and noticed two ditches by the pothole. Now my thoughts told me the body fell in there and there i go on an exploration into a canal and drainage ditch. No body found. I went like 4 times back. Also no damage to my car that would show i hit anything. 2 months have almost gone by and i still think maybe i hit someone and the ditch just washed the body away. Even thoough the ditches are like 15 to 25ft away from the street. I just cant seem to get out of this doubt. What more can i do? Ive searched the ditches. Closely examined my car the day after for blood dents or broken mirrors or windshield and nothing. My thoughts tell me im just a murderer who got away with it. I still get urges to go back and check even though ive gone 4 or more times the week this happened. I mean whats the point right? My car shows no damage or blood, i dont remember hitting someone, and if i was to hit someone that hard to knock them to the left into a ditch wouldnt i show damage on my car? I know getting reassurance doesnt help. But getting caught up in the fear of what if is so scary. I would turn myself in if it did happen. I check the news daily since for any reports. Anyways. Let me know what you think. My friends tell me im crazy to think i hit someone and didnt notice. I dont know how long this ones gonna take to get over. Ive had a broad range of intrusive thoughts. This one is up there for the worst category.