12 June 2019 - 15:33

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Hello, I am 20 and suffering from 20 ocd and depression since I was 17. Yesterday I went to my brothers room and we made some silly jokes about something, there was a small house knife and I took and said jokingly that I will throw it at him like a shuriken or smh like that and then I acted like I was throwing it by moving my hand like I was throwing it. Now you may ask why I even took the knife to begin with, my ocd trriggered that I wanted to hurt my brother with the knife and I had to convince myself that I didn't want to do that so this was my ritual of proving it.. It was obviously wrong to do since there was a small chance that it may slipĀ  out of my hand.. also one of my fingers was a bit sweaty.. I feel guilty. My brother found my joke funny and that was it. The what if scenarios are destroying me..

I know asking for reassurance is not the way but I don't know what to do. My appointment with my therapist is next week and i don't want to wait that long till I can tell that someone.