Harm OCD

1 October 2020 - 15:55

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hello everyone and thanks for taking some time and reading about my issue. I do not know how to start . Exactly a year ago I moved to the United States. In my country I was fine in every way with my family, but I had to move to the United States. I moved to New York City, and that's where everything that happened to me began. I was depressed and very anxious because I did not want to leave my family and move and in addition to that a family member of mine died before I moved. That caused me depression and a lot of anxiety. Well despite all this I started to work and that's when I started to feel depersonalization and derealization, before it gave me that intrusive thoughts which I had never had, for example hurt my boss or set my workplace on fire when I was alone, which I was very worried about and quit my job because of this. After a few days I got another job which I thought I was going to do better and that's when all the worst started! My depersonalization and derealization got worse to the point that I didn't know who I was or where I came from or what I was like before, Then I started having intrusive thoughts of hurting my boss (female), and her face looked all weird due to the depersonalization My work was very stressful and all the time  I  had intrusive thought of hurting the womens  in my work. That caused me a lot of stress, depression because I am not like that ! Because of this I didn't want to talk to anyone, I cried every day. I did not want to talk to my Family, while I was working I got an images in my minds of  the women  of my workplace(Her faces) . And I did NOT want to hurt, and I every time in my mind I was saying No No I don’t  want to do that or I tried to think in something else, but thoughts came to me ,saying why are you saying no if you will do it anyways . or when I no longer had those thoughts and then I was alone in my work without anyone seeing me, the same thoughts come to me again. After that one day I was alone with the women’s of my work in a laundry that is a place that is all closed there are no windows and I am afraid of being in that place alone, behind me there was an object and I had a strong  impulse to hurt which I resisted. After all this my life has never been the same, I don't even know who I am. Guilt haunts me every day, my self-esteem is on the floor, I don't even want to talk to my family or my son. worst of all is that this thought does not leave my mind 24 hours. I returned to my country for a month and did not have the same thoughts and I was feeling like me again. everyone has told me that I have changed and that I am not the same person . But it is that these intrusive thoughts do not leave me calm wherever I go. All I do is try to not to think about hurting and pray every day . My life has become rubbish because of these negative feelings, every day I have this doubt I no longer trust myself, it can be ruled out that I do not like living here in the bronx, and I just want to return to my country for everything that has happened . when I came to this country to progress and some times When I say no I have a doubt or it’s like I’m not saying no

1 October 2020 - 16:10

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I’m not sure what’s going on , I also have  thoughts about harm my co workers (males) but sometimes .. I’m just 23 years old and I was not having or feeling like that  in my country . I really need help .  And don’t want to have these thoughts again ....

 

1 October 2020 - 16:14

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Hi argem41, if you want to know about harm ocd read my story clicking on my name. I sometimes have those intrusive thoughts. Recently ir was my birthday and my GF gave me a belt and a jumper. I thought of burning my presents in front of her to make her suffer. Obviously, I am not this way. I dont do that. With my father, several times I imagined stabing him with a knife or other inimaginable things, while with my mates driving I thought of hiting them from my seat so the car crushes. I sometimes experience those feelings, but I am not stucked into them because Ive got like thousands of different thoughts. All want my attention. so after one comes another. in the end, I feel exhausted to acomplish any task or do plans with GF, family or friends.

Best wishes! Look for psychologist. Im already into that.

1 October 2020 - 16:25

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Hi Pablo,  Thank you for you response !do you think I have ocd or something else ? This has happened to me as well while driving I have  had thoughts of going to other side and cause an accident 

1 October 2020 - 16:31

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I am far from being an expert, but I told about this to my psychologist and he aseverates that Ive got high anxiety. Funny thing is at last I acomplish something with good mark! I dont know whether Ive got myself OCD, in any of its forms, but for sure Ive got some of its symptoms. I quit alcohol by the way, and practice more exercise. I know going to the gym is boring, but it makes the difference.

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