Guilt and how to carry on

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 September 2019 - 17:55

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Hi, 

Ive recently relapsed into thinking my OCD thoughts mainly because of a feeling of guilt...I managed to figure out that the event I was worrying about so obsessively was ambiguous and that I will never know, so I might as well carry on, but now my feelings have changed. 

I suddenly cant bare the POSSIBILITY that what I did was wrong, and I am heading back to square one. I feel like I dont deserve to carry on...How do I get past this? I can comfort myself with the ambiguous thing, but suddenly my brain tells me that even the ambiguity of the situation means that I dont deserve to live. I dont deserve to be happy, I dont deserve to relax, I dont deserve anything. How can people live with the guilt that they could have done something awful? I just cant understand. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 September 2019 - 18:22

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I’m feeling exactly like this at the moment, so I can understand how you feel. I don’t have any answers, and I’d like to know how others deal with this. It’s hard to get past it and move on to feeling like you deserve to be happy. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that others are feeling the same too. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 27 September 2019 - 18:46

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Thankyou for responding! Exactly, and now i'm at the point where im struggling to function again, which is the worst part. I'm struggling to eat, to concentrate on anything, to be around my friends because I just feel so guilty...I can't get past this past event, even though I have identified in the past that it probably isnt something to worry about. My mind is telling me that it has lied to me, and that it was real and that this whole OCD thing is a facade. 

I hope you begin to feel better soon.

I would love to know how people deal with the guilt side of things, as this is what is stopping me from being able to let go. I feel like I cannot allow myself to live with it. Even if the original event was real, and not OCD, I just dont know how to accept that and move on without the guilt. 

If you need any help, im happy to try!

This post has been thanked 2 times. 27 September 2019 - 19:15

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Hi Rachl02,
When I was a teenager I behaved very much like the character Alex in "A Clockwork Orange" - sex drugs violence. Then I had a breakdown when I was seventeen and was flooded with guilt.
It's taken a long time but I don't feel especially guilty any more and I certainly don't think I deserve to suffer. I've become a vegan and a Christian and I just know I'm not that person any more.
I don't believe any being deserves to suffer. I know that's pretty extreme but I don't. The philosopher Jeremy Bentham said the basis for whether we should treat someone/something with compassion is just "Can they suffer?" If the answer is " yes" then they deserve compassion and that very much includes ourselves!
Guilt has a purpose: it stops us from repeating our mistakes. Once it's done its job we should let go of it, immediately and completely.
As a Catholic I found getting baptised and going to Confession regularly has helped enormously. Contrary to popular belief, Confession isn't just someone telling you you're forgiven; the priest is literally communicating God's forgiveness to your soul. So it's a fact that you're forgiven.
It's really important that you go easy on yourself - if you are not on your side, how can you expect anyone else to be? You are just as valuable and deserving of love as anyone else. Don't let guilt eat away at you. Of course you deserve friends - everyone does. And you absolutely deserve to be happy.
Let me know if I can help any more?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 28 September 2019 - 9:22

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Hi Rachl02,

Thank you for you offer of support! MrPuddings makes some really valuable points (thank you!). OCD is brutal, and full of suffering, and our thoughts seem to want to keep us suffering. In my experience of OCD, it is the guilt that is so hard to deal with. I too feel I am unworthy of anything good, and can’t eat or sleep etc but it is our OCD that is keeping us trapped like this. I’ve taken days off work after spending the whole night awake wracked with feelings of how can I ever live with myself. Getting to the point of accepting that this too is part of OCD (guilt, shame, I’m a terrible person) I think is important, but hard to do.

I’ve recently started to see a Psychologist again and she has advised me that regardless of how I feel about myself, I should practice self compassion daily. Treat yourself how you might treat a friend going through this. I’ve also been listening to Kristen Neff who has self compassion exercises on her site (self compassion.org). They can be powerful. I’m in the midst of a pretty bad flare up so I am struggling with how I feel about myself, but I’m going to keep trying. Don’t lose hope, there are so many of us out here experiencing the same.

 

 

 

 

29 September 2019 - 6:01

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I am going through the same. I could at this point still just live normally and no one would know. The best we can do is just know we acknowledge it, not put ourselves in doubt again and never do anything we can’t handle afterwards. In a sense, we are actually hurting ourselves more than anyone...Everyone here would probably agree, we just hate more than anything, to even remotely resemble the person we don’t want to be. 

I actually felt hope last year and that I had finally overcome the ocd and thanked God for it. Yet the guilt resided and some thoughts still bother me. I forget usually, but some thoughts are just really bad...I was haunted by one since last year which I may have been able to let go...But I had ironically, made myself feel the worse ever in my attempt to ignore it. 

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