Freaking out. Conviced I was born gay now

3 August 2019 - 1:17

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I am freaking out tonight.   I am convinced I was now born gay and it was dormant in me.  I was reading about how artificial intelligence can with 90% accuracy tell if a man is gay or not by his facial features.  I got turned on by a sex scene on tv just now with a man and woman.  Then later it should a lesbian scene and I didnt feel turned on.  Its the man that must be turning me on! I used to get really turned on by lesbian stuff when I first watched porn on the internet.  When HOCD hit I checked gay porn and felt nothing.  Now its like things have reversed!!  I am freaking out.

When I was 12 lads in school starting calling me faggot and gay.  At the time I didnt know why as I was basically asexual but now am convinced they knew I was gay and different before I did.   After being bullied I became conscious of what being gay was and what straight was.  I wonder if I made a conscious decision to become straight or was it natural.  I really do not know.  I masturbated about women only in my teens and got very turned on just by fantasising.  In my late teens like 19 I noticed I started to feel  little less turned on but never thought I was gay.

I just feel I must be gay and only realised in my mid 20's.  Im late 30's now.  I get groinals consistently every day to men now and none to women.  I no longer get turned on by stuff that used to excite me.  Either I was born gay or turned gay because I am a different person to the one I thought I was.

I am terrified I am actually gay and was born that way and that I was a fraud and fooling myself my life until my mid 20's.  I dont want to be gay or have gay sex even if my groinal responses tell me otherwise.  I am really worried about the future. 

4 August 2019 - 16:28

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Got chatted up by a gay guy last night in a bar.  I got a groinal resposne but didnt want his advances and left quickly.  I noticed he had the same finger ratio as me which is 'the feminine' one.  I am convinced I was born gay now and deluded myself .

4 August 2019 - 16:52

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If you were gay, you would be happy with another guy hitting on you instead of leaving the bar. It just proves that you are NOT gay. Don't pay too much attention to finger ratio, such things are not fully proved by science.

4 August 2019 - 17:11

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What is the finger ratio thing?

4 August 2019 - 17:32

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I think when I was younger I just chose to masturbate about girls because that was what you were supposed to do.  I think I may have always been gay but never chose to act on it in any way?

Also if I didnt like the guy hitting on me why did I get a groinal response?

4 August 2019 - 18:43

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Dave, groinal responses are quite common in OCD and they relate to anxiety but not actual sexual arousal. You can read about this in many different sources.
I don't think you are gay, it's just HOCD torturing you. I doubt that you could have somehow 'forced' yourself to think about girls in teenage years if you were really gay. You would have thought about guys instead.

4 August 2019 - 18:46

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I feel like this all the time now that we were taught as that what society tells us to be man and a women I think it’s called heteronormative. I feel that if I got hit on by a gay guy I would pursue it to see if I get my answer but I am at a point now where I feel I don’t need to go out and do it because I just know a am attracted to men. I don’t want to be this way but I am so unhappy in the position I am in at this moment I time I just can’t see anyway forward. I have hit rock bottom. I am almost trying to force myself not to be attracted to men and to me this sounds like I am ashamed. I am with a girl and live with her she know all about this but I just can’t see myself been happy.

5 August 2019 - 23:02

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I was watching BBC and they had a show on This is 1985 and I was watching it and they showed some clips of film made in 1985 about 2 gay gays in launderette and I immediately gota very fast heartbeat and fear and anticipating what was going to happen as they were showing a kissing and undressing scene  and I got this strong intense groinal response but no erection.  I could feel my groin swell and tighten and felt sexual energy but I was scared at the same time like ''oh no!'' and felt like I was holding onto a rollercoaster as it went downhill.

Is this proof Im gay?  I just cant see how this is ocd and not beig gay and just not wanting to be.  I lived a sheltered childhood so maybe I never even knew about gay people until my 20's?

6 August 2019 - 13:37

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Everything you say is 100% OCD to me. If you were truly gay, you would have realised it much earlier, wouldn't be anxious about it or question it. Losing attraction to women is common with OCD, it muddles up you brain. Stay strong.

7 August 2019 - 8:19

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Dave I feel the same I feel like I have internalised homophobia. I seem to enjoy the thoughts of going to a gay bar and meeting people so I am not sure how i can have OCD either. I have lost interest in wanting to have sex with my girlfriend and also feel we will not have sex for quite some time as just not interested. Is there is any people on here that have slept with women in the past, if so what did you feel?

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