Freaking out. Conviced I was born gay now

3 August 2019 - 1:17

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I am freaking out tonight.   I am convinced I was now born gay and it was dormant in me.  I was reading about how artificial intelligence can with 90% accuracy tell if a man is gay or not by his facial features.  I got turned on by a sex scene on tv just now with a man and woman.  Then later it should a lesbian scene and I didnt feel turned on.  Its the man that must be turning me on! I used to get really turned on by lesbian stuff when I first watched porn on the internet.  When HOCD hit I checked gay porn and felt nothing.  Now its like things have reversed!!  I am freaking out.

When I was 12 lads in school starting calling me faggot and gay.  At the time I didnt know why as I was basically asexual but now am convinced they knew I was gay and different before I did.   After being bullied I became conscious of what being gay was and what straight was.  I wonder if I made a conscious decision to become straight or was it natural.  I really do not know.  I masturbated about women only in my teens and got very turned on just by fantasising.  In my late teens like 19 I noticed I started to feel  little less turned on but never thought I was gay.

I just feel I must be gay and only realised in my mid 20's.  Im late 30's now.  I get groinals consistently every day to men now and none to women.  I no longer get turned on by stuff that used to excite me.  Either I was born gay or turned gay because I am a different person to the one I thought I was.

I am terrified I am actually gay and was born that way and that I was a fraud and fooling myself my life until my mid 20's.  I dont want to be gay or have gay sex even if my groinal responses tell me otherwise.  I am really worried about the future. 

4 August 2019 - 16:28

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Got chatted up by a gay guy last night in a bar.  I got a groinal resposne but didnt want his advances and left quickly.  I noticed he had the same finger ratio as me which is 'the feminine' one.  I am convinced I was born gay now and deluded myself .

4 August 2019 - 17:32

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I think when I was younger I just chose to masturbate about girls because that was what you were supposed to do.  I think I may have always been gay but never chose to act on it in any way?

Also if I didnt like the guy hitting on me why did I get a groinal response?

5 August 2019 - 23:02

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I was watching BBC and they had a show on This is 1985 and I was watching it and they showed some clips of film made in 1985 about 2 gay gays in launderette and I immediately gota very fast heartbeat and fear and anticipating what was going to happen as they were showing a kissing and undressing scene  and I got this strong intense groinal response but no erection.  I could feel my groin swell and tighten and felt sexual energy but I was scared at the same time like ''oh no!'' and felt like I was holding onto a rollercoaster as it went downhill.

Is this proof Im gay?  I just cant see how this is ocd and not beig gay and just not wanting to be.  I lived a sheltered childhood so maybe I never even knew about gay people until my 20's?

6 August 2019 - 13:37

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Everything you say is 100% OCD to me. If you were truly gay, you would have realised it much earlier, wouldn't be anxious about it or question it. Losing attraction to women is common with OCD, it muddles up you brain. Stay strong.

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