3 August 2019 - 1:17
I am freaking out tonight. I am convinced I was now born gay and it was dormant in me. I was reading about how artificial intelligence can with 90% accuracy tell if a man is gay or not by his facial features. I got turned on by a sex scene on tv just now with a man and woman. Then later it should a lesbian scene and I didnt feel turned on. Its the man that must be turning me on! I used to get really turned on by lesbian stuff when I first watched porn on the internet. When HOCD hit I checked gay porn and felt nothing. Now its like things have reversed!! I am freaking out.
When I was 12 lads in school starting calling me faggot and gay. At the time I didnt know why as I was basically asexual but now am convinced they knew I was gay and different before I did. After being bullied I became conscious of what being gay was and what straight was. I wonder if I made a conscious decision to become straight or was it natural. I really do not know. I masturbated about women only in my teens and got very turned on just by fantasising. In my late teens like 19 I noticed I started to feel little less turned on but never thought I was gay.
I just feel I must be gay and only realised in my mid 20's. Im late 30's now. I get groinals consistently every day to men now and none to women. I no longer get turned on by stuff that used to excite me. Either I was born gay or turned gay because I am a different person to the one I thought I was.
I am terrified I am actually gay and was born that way and that I was a fraud and fooling myself my life until my mid 20's. I dont want to be gay or have gay sex even if my groinal responses tell me otherwise. I am really worried about the future.