8 February 2020 - 21:40
Hope you guys are doing well or at least better than yesterday. Today is such a difficult day. I’m going through my menstruation cycle and this exasperates my hormones and makes my anxiety spikes worse. I’m going through it right now. I was watching a YouTube video in which the youtuber was talking about hair and how she looked like a girl who liked horses. It was meant to be funny. Then like all my spikes that triggered a memory from when I was a teen. I remember around that time the boys in my grade were talking about a woman who had intercourse with a horse or have the horse oral. The results was the woman dying from infection or physical trauma. I remember them thinking it was gross and funny and I thought it was disgusting and shocking. I am 32 years old now. I stopped watching and masturbating to porn and overall about a year ago. At some point when I was watching and masturbating to porn I came across a video like that. I remember viewing it briefly out of curiosity and thinking omg that’s so disgusting. How can anyone do that with a horse. Although there is a genre for whatever kink you like on the internet. I think this and cp are the worst and shouldn’t exist. I remember mentioning this to my fiancé about how gross this was. Now what I’m freaking out about is what if I masturbated to said video and I just repressed it and just remembered right now. I really FALSE memory is at play here. I think I would of remembered this as something shameful and I would of absolutely told me my fiancé bc I confess EVERYTHING to him bc it’s my compulsion to do so. Now I’m thinking if I did masturbate to this then my ocd fears aren’t ocd and I’m actually a horrible depraved person who likes animals and kids. False memory is HORRIBLE, i really feel like a monster.