False Memories/Porn/Beastiality

8 February 2020 - 21:40

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Hey guys, 

Hope you guys are doing well or at least better than yesterday. Today is such a difficult day. I’m going through my menstruation cycle and this exasperates my hormones and makes my anxiety spikes worse. I’m going through it right now. I was watching a YouTube video in which the youtuber was talking about hair and how she looked like a girl who liked horses. It was meant to be funny. Then like all my spikes that triggered a memory from when I was a teen. I remember around that time the boys in my grade were talking about a woman who had intercourse with a horse or have the horse oral. The results was the woman dying from infection or physical trauma. I remember them thinking it was gross and funny and I thought it was disgusting and shocking. I am 32 years old now. I stopped watching and masturbating to porn and overall about a year ago. At some point when I was watching and masturbating to porn I came across a video like that. I remember viewing it briefly out of curiosity and thinking omg that’s so disgusting. How can anyone do that with a horse. Although there is a genre for whatever kink you like on the internet. I think this and cp are the worst and shouldn’t exist. I remember mentioning this to my fiancé about how gross this was. Now what I’m freaking out about is what if I masturbated  to said video and I just repressed it and just remembered right now. I really  FALSE memory is at play here. I think I would of remembered this as something shameful and I would of absolutely told me my fiancé bc I confess EVERYTHING to him bc it’s my compulsion to do so. Now I’m thinking if I did masturbate to this then my ocd fears aren’t ocd and I’m actually a horrible depraved person who likes animals and kids. False memory is HORRIBLE, i really feel like a monster. 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 9 February 2020 - 1:05

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It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, hell We don’t even remember fully what happened through most of our life’s. What’s important is to please see a professional right now and worry about how to help yourself today

9 February 2020 - 22:37

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Thank you Nothere. It’s so crazy how real this feels and yet have no real solid memory of it just like a blur so to speak. Like I said I have a compulsion in which I confess everything to my fiancé. I would of told him this. I asked him too if I mentioned me masturbating to that nasty thing I saw and he said no that I did mention I saw or heard something nasty like that, but i never mentioned masturbating to it. Also I do remember us having a conversation about porn and what I have used to produce pleasure and I remember me telling him that I have seen a variety of things of which I wouldn’t do in real life but said  I NEVER have looked at or pleasured  myself to  animals or kids, that’s where I absolutely draw the line .Its just so annoying and anxiety filled when one side of my brain knows the truth but the other side is saying what if you did and your lying to yourself. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 12 February 2020 - 1:54

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Nothere

Wow just wow, same exact feelings to the t. You summed it up. Going with your gut is the way to go because although your brain is telling you that you  did and throwing what if’s at you, your gut knows the truth. Ocd is very hard to deal with. I’m here if you ever wanna chat about anything. You can message me too

 

 

 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 22 February 2020 - 9:27

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I'm 32 too and have also experienced something like this. I've never admitted it to anyone so this is new for me, but this story really resonated, so here goes ...

Your story of the boys in your grade was so familiar. When I was an older teen, 17-18 I guess, the boys used to talk about all this stuff too. They thought it was funny. I can't remember what the website was called and I never saw it, but there was one they would look at and send links to each other and laugh about constantly like it was some sort of craze, and being around that day in, day out, of course you pick up on it.

I was unfortunate enough to accidentally get pregnant when I was 17 and although I sadly had a miscarriage, the story got out, and of course you know how evil teenage boys can be ... I was labelled a slag by this particular group, at the lowest, most painful point in my life, and eventually this became a rumour that I not only slept with any person around, but also slept with animals.

While most people continued to be perfectly normal to me and nobody actually believed that I had sex with everyone and everything, I guess because I felt so awful about the miscarriage and thought it was my fault (it took me a long time to realise I was pregnant, and I had continued to smoke, get drunk, etc. as young people do ...), this childish rumour really bothered me.

It sounds pathetic, I know, especially as I had only had one long-term boyfriend and had only ever been intimate with him at the time I got pregnant, so I knew I wasn't a slag. It was around this time, though, that a memory I had pretty much forgotten about resurfaced: when I was about 13, a female friend and I had been alone in her house with access to the internet, which was a relatively new commodity back then, so OF COURSE we did what ANY pair of curious teenagers would do and looked up stupid stuff like 'boobs', 'lesbians', 'sex' etc. and basically watched our first porn to the sound of our own raucous amusement. Big mistake.

I still remember the wording of the link on the side of the page - 'Bet you've never seen a woman have sex with a pig before!' - well, of course we hadn't. So we clicked it. It was shocking and gross ... cue now nervous laughter. We switched it off pretty quickly.

I was 13. I hadn't thought about it for years until this rumour started, but then it came flooding back. And thinking about it, maybe that's where it all started, though it wasn't until a couple of years later when I had a full breakdown that I got my first proper intrusive thought. I began to worry that because I had seen that, years before, that it had shaped who I was going to become, and maybe I was secretly aroused by it at the time but just didn't realise because I was too young to know what arousal/masturbation were, and maybe I WAS attracted to animals and DID want to have sex with them.

It's something that still torments me to this day and has become what I believe to be POCD, though I have never been officially diagnosed as I simply cannot bring myself to tell a therapist any of this. I'm terrified of being judged or thought of as disgusting, though I've never done ANYTHING with any creature other than a human being and the thought literally makes me nauseous.

Over the years it has come and gone in intensity, with periods of obsessive testing and checking for arousal (I never 'failed' the test - felt only nausea and disgust, though the slim chance it could suddenly 'change' only perpetuated the cycle) and periods where I don't think about it much at all. The more anxious I am (I have severe anxiety, mostly about my health or that of my children) the more likely it is to resurface, though I can stop myself from testing/checking now by trying to focus on something slightly less horrible that makes me anxious - one of my children being seriously ill, for example. Awful, I know, that I perceive this as being less horrible. Perhaps a better way of putting it would be that it is more bearable to think about.

I'm guess I'm just a total mess. I've never told anyone any of this before, so please be gentle ... not that anyone will read this anyway as it is so long.

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