Emotional affair

27 October 2020 - 23:32

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This is going to be a long post. I have had some sort of ocd off and on now for around 25 years. Most recently I became obsessed with depersonalization and derealization. The symptoms of it made me feel as if I had ceased to exist entirely. The feeling that I am not at all myself is consuming. Any reminder of who I used to be, or facets of my life before this make me incredibly anxious. When this started last year I found a chat site for people with mental illness and it helped me through some of the long nights not sleeping. Over a few months I became completely immersed in this world to the point that I felt as if I was living a completely seperate life online. I knew it was unhealthy but struggled yo quit. Covid and losing my job only ramped it up. About 3 months into being online everyday w the same group I started to feel a deep connection with a man in the group. This led to many weighty conversations and even a few sexual texts. I have never felt this way, it was intense. But it didnt feel like me, the real me, it felt like I was someone else. I dont know if this makes any sense! But I became preoccupied with this relationship, which was very unhealthy as he is a narcissist. All of this being horrendous behavior on my part as I am a married woman. I eventually left the group and havent spoken w any of these people in months. But I still ruminate about it constantly. Poring over ever detail, every memory, every shameful action and word. I have become obsessed with the feeling that I am not myself. Obsessed with the shame of feeling unfulfilled with my marriage and how powerfully I felt for this other man. I feel dirty in a way I cant clean. It occupies my every thought. And I know I deserve this pain and can share none of it with anyone. I am not sure at this point I can be healed, or even should be.




28 October 2020 - 2:09

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Panicky that is a type of behavior that is understandable as to how you can fall into.  That is the lure of the internet and online communities.  It is so easy to lose yourself in the anonymity of the web. And while you certainly have every right to feel upset or feel that you were not the person you are or want to be, but at the same time find a way to forgive yourself.  Find a way to accept that maybe you did find more fulfillment in that group at that time.  It may not have been the best choice but it certainly doesn’t sound like it was the worst either. What happened has happened.  Find the place in yourself to accept and either move on without looking back or if you feel you have to address things that happened, find the way to admit them but also find the strength do show how you have grown and learned from those actions. Whether it is talking to a therapist, a friend, your partner, whom ever.  Accept that this is a part of you, but just that, only a small part of much bigger life.  Good luck and believe me it is much easier to write these words than put them into practice.  I certainly suffer the same qualms and self loathing for similar and multiple other reasons.  I too have a long long way to go to forgive myself but if I can do it, I trust that anyone can. 

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