27 October 2020 - 23:32
This is going to be a long post. I have had some sort of ocd off and on now for around 25 years. Most recently I became obsessed with depersonalization and derealization. The symptoms of it made me feel as if I had ceased to exist entirely. The feeling that I am not at all myself is consuming. Any reminder of who I used to be, or facets of my life before this make me incredibly anxious. When this started last year I found a chat site for people with mental illness and it helped me through some of the long nights not sleeping. Over a few months I became completely immersed in this world to the point that I felt as if I was living a completely seperate life online. I knew it was unhealthy but struggled yo quit. Covid and losing my job only ramped it up. About 3 months into being online everyday w the same group I started to feel a deep connection with a man in the group. This led to many weighty conversations and even a few sexual texts. I have never felt this way, it was intense. But it didnt feel like me, the real me, it felt like I was someone else. I dont know if this makes any sense! But I became preoccupied with this relationship, which was very unhealthy as he is a narcissist. All of this being horrendous behavior on my part as I am a married woman. I eventually left the group and havent spoken w any of these people in months. But I still ruminate about it constantly. Poring over ever detail, every memory, every shameful action and word. I have become obsessed with the feeling that I am not myself. Obsessed with the shame of feeling unfulfilled with my marriage and how powerfully I felt for this other man. I feel dirty in a way I cant clean. It occupies my every thought. And I know I deserve this pain and can share none of it with anyone. I am not sure at this point I can be healed, or even should be.