13 July 2014 - 16:59
I've been dealing with a lot of confusion lately and I have gotten to a point where I don't know what I am anymore. Literally. I highly doubt I have OCD now.
What I can't understand is, is it part of OCD to question the validity of the obsession and if that is true or not?
For example say iam dealing with religious ocd and I get the thought "maybe Satanism is true" and then I respond to that thought and question whether that is true by saying "yeah, maybe Satanism is true" and then I go around finding arguments in my head about how Satanism could be true and later reach the conclusion that it is not. This happens a lot and I'm freaking out that I have somehow gone along with the idea that Satanism is true. Why would I be responding to the thought and affirm the possibility if I wasn't somehow drawn to Satanism or in denial? Is this me in denial? does this happen to anyone with any form of ocd or am I just lying to myself and thinking that I do have OCD?
Also I also get the thought "if you read about Satanism then you will understand it properly and be convinced that it's the truth because there are others who are convinced..therefore it must be convincing enough" I know it's stupid and it doesn't make any sense to me because I have proofs why Satanism isn't true. A part of me knows that I won't believe it anyways because I have the proofs but another part of me is scared that I might be sucked in and convinced. A part of me is scared that it might be true. I know Satanism isn't true (or do I) but something is trying to make it make sense. It's trying to get me to accept it. I really don't want to.
What is happening to me, has my OCD gone so bad that I have started agreeing with the thought and maybe gone delusional or am I just in denial?
I feel really weak and I can't keep up the struggle with this any longer. I want to give up the struggle and give in.
Please respond. Anyone.