dont think its ocd anymore. ive lost it. gone delusional

13 July 2014 - 16:59

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Hi all.
I've been dealing with a lot of confusion lately and I have gotten to a point where I don't know what I am anymore. Literally. I highly doubt I have OCD now.

What I can't understand is, is it part of OCD to question the validity of the obsession and if that is true or not?

For example say iam dealing with religious ocd and I get the thought "maybe Satanism is true" and then I respond to that thought and question whether that is true by saying "yeah, maybe Satanism is true" and then I go around finding arguments in my head about how Satanism could be true and later reach the conclusion that it is not. This happens a lot and I'm freaking out that I have somehow gone along with the idea that Satanism is true. Why would I be responding to the thought and affirm the possibility if I wasn't somehow drawn to Satanism or in denial? Is this me in denial? does this happen to anyone with any form of ocd or am I just lying to myself and thinking that I do have OCD?

Also I also get the thought "if you read about Satanism then you will understand it properly and be convinced that it's the truth because there are others who are convinced..therefore it must be convincing enough" I know it's stupid and it doesn't make any sense to me because I have proofs why Satanism isn't true. A part of me knows that I won't believe it anyways because I have the proofs but another part of me is scared that I might be sucked in and convinced. A part of me is scared that it might be true. I know Satanism isn't true (or do I) but something is trying to make it make sense. It's trying to get me to accept it. I really don't want to.

What is happening to me, has my OCD gone so bad that I have started agreeing with the thought and maybe gone delusional or am I just in denial?

I feel really weak and I can't keep up the struggle with this any longer. I want to give up the struggle and give in.

Please respond. Anyone.

14 July 2014 - 4:46

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Anyone?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 14 July 2014 - 10:09

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Hi Light,

Welcome to the forum.  OCD plays all sorts of tricks on our minds so it is no wonder we can become confused.  You don't say if you have been diagnosed with OCD or if you are having any treatment.  If not then the best thing to do is to see a doctor. Nobody on this forum is medically qualified so any comment can only reflect their own experiences.  There is a lot that can be done to help but you don't say where you are from, although we do ask people to give a location on their profile, because services vary from area to area.  You could contact our helpline (UK) on 0845 390 6232 or email .

Nimrod

14 July 2014 - 14:04

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I have been diagnosed with OCD. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with the exact theme but it went away for a while and came back. I think this is a relapse.
I am not having any treatment for it yet. It won't be for a while.
And I am from Australia.

14 July 2014 - 21:25

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Hi Light,

You'd better put that on your profile, then, so people can see it without having to keep asking you.  (There are two boxes, "Location" and "Region"; you need to fill them both in, as "Region" isn't visible to anyone else.)

I would say it's very much part of OCD to question whether the thought's true or not.  Moon, for instance (how are you, Moon?  I don't think we've heard from you lately.  Hope that means you're over it), used to be constantly trying to work out whether he was a paedophile or not.  In fact, there was no sensible reason to think he was a paedophile at all, but because he was worried, he used to come up with any number of senseless reasons, to try and account for his being so worried.  OCD seems to run on that kind of backwards reasoning; instead of being worried for a reason, you look for a reason why you're worried!

So it's not unusual that you're trying to work out whether you believe in Satanism, even though you already know you don't.  You don't need to have lost sight of whether you do or not to do that.  Don't, though.  Trying to work it out only makes it worse, and there's no need to.  You've told us you know that you don't believe in it. 

Quote:
I feel really weak and I can't keep up the struggle with this any longer. I want to give up the struggle and give in.

I know how you feel.  I think you're struggling in the wrong direction.  You're struggling not to believe in Satanism (and anything else, if there's anything else bothering you), and there's no need, because you don't believe in Satanism and you're not going to, whether you keep arguing with it or not!  Give up.  Give in.  Give in to not having a problem, and get on with your life.  Easier said than done, I know, but I hope you get the hang of it soon and being tired will make it easier to win.  Backwards again.  Isn't OCD funny? 

Best wishes.

Wombat140

16 July 2014 - 17:12

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Hello there,u said u dont beleive in satan well thats that and theres ur answer !sounds abit ocd the way your arguing or do i believe or do i not beleive !Dave

15 October 2014 - 22:17

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hello light.I'm dealing with the same type of "overquestioning", but in terms of my sexual orientation. I was almost symptom-free after my summer vacation, but it slowly starts sneaking inside of my head again and to be honest, i don't know whether i am or am not gay right now. The thing is, and i can tell you that because i know what differentiates bad phases from good phases, that this question you ask yourself is not ment to be answered. Doesn't matter how often you argue in favor or against satanism, this question is NOT ment to be answered in your case. For me it's simple with your OCD topic. No, i'm christian and i will stay. Why? Simple answer, because i feel ok with it.

It definitely is the "doubting disease" in your case. I think this term hits it pretty accurate in your case.Stop overquestioning. Because your brain is right now off the leash anyway.A good way to explain it is in my opinion as follows.That moment your OCD starts again, your brain starts going for a walk in areas where it must not be. Like a dog that is led off the leash. Your brain starts thinking about things, which don't belong to your personality.The dog (brain) is actually not doing anything wrong and we should not judge him. He just managed to free himself from the leash (your personality) and the owner (you) has to be patient to get him back.

You cannot control your brain if it doesn't want to.The same way you cannot leash a dog again if he doesn't want to, he will ALWAYS be one step faster. Let it take its walk and and be patient. Don't run after him, it will exhaust you, don't be mad at him, because sometimes he needs to run around. Best is turn your back on him until he gets bored. He will come back willingly.DON'T TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS SERIOUS! They are not serious, they are hyperactive dogs! Let them be there, you can't catch them. Let them pop up, you are not fully in control of their movements. Just don't take them serious. Let them do whatever they want and argue with them if you can't hold on anymore. But after you've done so, don't take them serious anymore.

15 October 2014 - 22:27

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You see, one important thing is. You will never know exactly if satanism is right or wrong, because (as you've said yourself) some people practice it.

The most importnant thing, that you have to keep in mind, even if questions might ask you if you should keep it in mind (Yes, that would be OCD again) is to accept...that your brain is looking for answers for questions, that do not represent your personality. It DOES NOT matter, whether you answer them in a good or bad way, at that moment you leash your brain again to your personality you will realise, that every single answer was irrelevant, because the topic is irrelevant. You don't even need a 100% right answer, because the question is irrelevant already.OCD is like trying to solve a calculation, which is wrong by itself. You cannot find the right result, because the arithmetical problem itself is wrong already. So why would you try to? To loose time? You see, complicated calculations get more interesting the more you try to solve them (the same way like you feel a greater urge to read about satanism the more you think about it). But in this case, go do something else, because the calculation is wrong.

16 October 2014 - 0:53

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Light,First of all - breathe. We are with ya and we definitely understand. OCD is crazy personified - and guess what? The best tool up OCD's sleeve is its ability to make us believe everything it tells us. It helps me to to make the OCD into an actual entity - I call it "the monster." So look - the monster's favorite sentence of ALL TIME = "Maybe this isn't OCD. Maybe I really am....Maybe I really want to......Maybe I have been like this underneath all along and didn't know till now...." - get the picture? And here's the best news: If it weren't OCD - why would all these people be able to say "Yep - I've been there or am currently there - exactly like that." Too big a coincidence for us all to be murderers, psychopaths, pedophiles, rapists, sadists, etc. Right?Stick with some meds that work for you - if one doesn't try another one. We've all had to do it. Also, get some serious CBT therapy. We all go through these episodes. Don't believe the lie: "Maybe this isn't OCD anymore."YES IT IS!!!!!!!

27 November 2014 - 0:56

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Light,

I made this account solely in response to this question and I can say that, while mine deals with harm OCD, I've dealt with the SAME thought patterns as you. It quite surprised me, actually, as I thought that I was the only one with these 'ideas' aside from my OCD. This question helped me realize that it's just a part of the OCD struggle. 

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