24 August 2016 - 9:14
Hey guys, I'm in need of some advice. Though I haven't been formally diagnosed with OCD, my therapist has acknowledged that I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I constantly doubt everything I do and everything I think. My intrusive thoughts involve harm and they give the worst anxiety I've ever had. I told myself I must be an insane person or going insane because no normal person would have these thoughts. This all started in my freshman year or college. I had to leave school because of my anxiety. For the longest time I would spend hours every day googling and researching to see if I'm normal or not and I can't stop googling to reassure myself. Once I find something letting me feel assured, I feel fine, and then I go back googling. On average I'd say over three hours a day reassuring, and every other minute worrying and doubting.
I google "what's a sociopath", schizophrenia, or what can make people go crazy and it makes me so scared. I know that I'm a good person because I really do care about people. If it's possible to have to much empathy then I just might. That's why this stuff gives me so much anxiety. I spend over an hour and a half lying in bed before I can fall asleep and I've been like that since I was a little kid. Sometimes it takes me over half an hour to get up because my thoughts make me anxious. For a while I avoided watching violent movies and tv shows even though I love love love film. I'm also afraid of accidentally selling my soul or being immoral (if that makes sense) even though I don't really believe in religion (I'm Jewish not that it really matters). But it' only because I read it online.
I'm looking for advice on strategies to get prevent myself from googling because it only helps to reaffirm my obsessions and the cycle continues. I'm on 25 mg of Zoloft right now and It's been helpful to some degree. I'm not having as many intrusive thoughts anymore but I'm still ruminating a whole lot though. How do I stop going to google? I can't stop watching interviews of crazy people and murders because I want to prove to myself I'm not going to be one in the future. Even though I really am a good person and this is all causing me excessive anxiety and depression. Please help!!!!