Checking Guilt

1 May 2018 - 16:05

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Has anyone experienced there OCD getting worse after you checked? I have recently been suffering from extreme guilt from have googled terrible things and read stories of terrible things written by or about murderers, rapists, etc which are horribly enough, all over the internet. I also feel so guilty for reading things like is morality real? Are we all really just evil? Is murder wrong etc? Is it normal to feel sexual pleasure from people's pain?! And as I read this stuff I was questioning my morals? Maybe this isn't so bad, maybe all these things are okay?! Thoughts like these. I now fear that I have past the point of no return and turned into an evil person and I don't want to be! Now that I look back on all this googling and reading I see how wrong my thinking was, how sick and disgusting, but it was all motivated by my OCD in an attempt to "prove" I wasn't evil. I feel tainted though, and guilty I let the googling go on and the things I searched for. I am afraid that I enjoyed looking for these things or that I was morbidly curious. Now that my OCD is starting to fade I am feeling better, more in control, but the guilt remains. I wish I had never  checked or searched or read about these horrendous crimes people do. Does anyone feel guilt over checking and wish they hadn't done it? I wish I hadn't, I feel like I really am bad now, even though I was doing it to prove I wasn't! How can I let this go. I have stopped searching but I regret ever looking at all. Please, anyone have experience with this?

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1 May 2018 - 16:14

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I feel so bad! I was trying to justify to myself these things weren't bad so I could get rid of the guilt my OCD was giving me. How could I have had these thoughts? I have never done any of these horrendous crimes but that I was even thinking, or googling, or reading about these things makes me sick. I know these things are wrong, what could have made me lapse in my judgement of things I know are wrong? Or thinking that these kinds of things could be forgiven?What person has thoughts like murder is okay and rape isn't wrong and horrible stuff like that? Where was my conscience and empathy? I feel soooooo horrible and like a monster. I have never hurt anyone nor will I but reading these things and googling them I feel has ruined me. I feel like I must be worse than everyone else here for agreeing with these horrible thoughts?! I don't deserve to be on this site asking for help, I am horrible. 

1 May 2018 - 16:26

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Has this ever happened to anyone else? I keep telling myself I must not be evil, because I started doing this to check my OCD, but I am afraid I allowed myself to let my morals be compromised, by letting myself these things weren't bad so I could get rid of the guilt? Before all this I was very sure of my morals, and would never think these things were right, so why now? I fear reading these things had tainted me and hardened me to these terrible things? Why didn't I feel guilt? Why was I passively, objectify looking up these things and feeling like it was okay?! Why did I ever check, why? I put myself in a moral crisis, and its all my fault! I would never have had these thoughts if I hadn't been looking things up and I wouldn't have questioned my morals, and I wouldn't be here now feeling so guilty. Also did anyone have thoughts abut doing the terrible things they feared? I did, not now that my OCD has gone down but I had the thoughts and they felt so real! I was really afraid I would act on them my compulsion and that I would lose control! Again, I feel fine now, and looking back I see how horrible this all was but I feel like I just had a momentary "lapse" of evil or something? Does harm OCD feel like that? Do you really feel evil, fear you could do horrible things, look up terrible stuff, and not feel guilty about reading about horrible crimes? Is all this normal for OCD? Can it feel so real? Or am I just a horrible person deep down?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 1 May 2018 - 17:48

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You aren't a horrible person or evil for that matter.
This is shown throughout your whole question - You feel guilt and wish you never googled. I'm sure if you were what you think you could be, you wouldn't feel this guilty and bad.

I can completely relate to you with the guilt. I have done things to check my pocd and I feel tremendous guilt and I'm still doubting whether I'm a good person or not.

I know we are not suppose to give reassurance but, from what you have posted, I don't think anyone would think you are evil or that.

1 May 2018 - 18:18

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Thank you so much. I just feel so bad and guilty. I don't know why I felt the need to reassure myself, I didn't need to do that, and by searching I just gave myself a reason to feel bad. I don't know what came over me, I just, I don't know how I an ever forgive myself.

1 May 2018 - 18:31

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You need to get in to see a therapist ASAP. They can help you process these feelings. You may also need to see a psychiatrist as well. In the mean time just ignore the guilt and don't feed into it. 

1 May 2018 - 18:44

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Thank you, radshack but I really can't do that. I am not in a position to go to therapy, and if I could I'd be too afraid to go. Right now this is my only outlet. 

1 May 2018 - 22:22

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Okay, so I don't know if this makes any difference at all but here goes. I never actually saw anything illegal, I only searched in google and youtube, and to my knowledge I never actually saw anything that was wrong, I clicked on a few links that came up in youtube that didn't look goo, but then I clicked off of them and the others on google were just articles about people who had committed violent crimes, and so terrible porn links which I didn't watch. My fear stems from two areas, fear that I am a murderer and capable of hurting my loved ones, and of being a sexual sadist who enjoys watching people suffer for sexual enjoyment. As someone who never had hurt or will hurt anyone these are about the worst things that my mind could come up with so that is why I think I started googling compulsively. I was afraid if I saw someone being abused, or violently hurt, that I would be sexually aroused by it. So I googled. As I said, to my knowledge, I never saw anything illegal or horrid to my knowledge, other than the articles. I hate that any of this happened, how could I have been such a terrible fool. No one was hurt by me nor will anyone ever be, but the guilt is unbearable. I don't know if any of this matters or if it makes me more or less horrible but here it is. I am some sorry everyone truly.

1 May 2018 - 23:49

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I know there is such a thing as morbid curiosity and that people sometimes google things out of curiosity but I still feel bad anyway. What is confusing too is I am a very sensitive person, always have been. I cry at violence, sad movies, so maybe that is why my brain latched onto harm OCD? This is the worst OCD theme i've ever had. What could possibly be worse than this! On second thought I probably shouldn't think that, every time I think it can't get worse it does. 

2 May 2018 - 16:24

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Still feeling bad over here. Why do I do this to myself? I was just starting to recover a month or so ago and then I had to go and do this stupid googling. Why is life with OCD so hard? 

2 May 2018 - 19:22

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Any more thoughts? I don't know what to do here. All I can do is remind myself I haven't DONE anything, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. 

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