1 May 2018 - 16:05
Has anyone experienced there OCD getting worse after you checked? I have recently been suffering from extreme guilt from have googled terrible things and read stories of terrible things written by or about murderers, rapists, etc which are horribly enough, all over the internet. I also feel so guilty for reading things like is morality real? Are we all really just evil? Is murder wrong etc? Is it normal to feel sexual pleasure from people's pain?! And as I read this stuff I was questioning my morals? Maybe this isn't so bad, maybe all these things are okay?! Thoughts like these. I now fear that I have past the point of no return and turned into an evil person and I don't want to be! Now that I look back on all this googling and reading I see how wrong my thinking was, how sick and disgusting, but it was all motivated by my OCD in an attempt to "prove" I wasn't evil. I feel tainted though, and guilty I let the googling go on and the things I searched for. I am afraid that I enjoyed looking for these things or that I was morbidly curious. Now that my OCD is starting to fade I am feeling better, more in control, but the guilt remains. I wish I had never checked or searched or read about these horrendous crimes people do. Does anyone feel guilt over checking and wish they hadn't done it? I wish I hadn't, I feel like I really am bad now, even though I was doing it to prove I wasn't! How can I let this go. I have stopped searching but I regret ever looking at all. Please, anyone have experience with this?