Can't take anymore.

28 November 2014 - 17:24

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Hello all, 

However hard I tell myself my worries/ thoughts/ false memories are ridiculous. I can't help but feel this horrible guilt. I have decided to order the brain lock book in the hope this will help me. I decided to come off my medication seroxat also as I want to face this head. However so far it has been a real struggle. Every time I look at the posts on here I can clearly see that everyone is suffering. However I just think I am this horrible person who has acted completely out of character. I think I first noticed something wasn't quite right when the first job of the day at work was to check the travel news to make sure I hadn't caused an accident or hit someone. I have checked up and down streets numerous times to check for bodies and under my car once when I was convinced I had ran someone over when I hit the curb and dragged them home. These thoughts seem to have subsided only to replaced by much more sinister upsetting thoughts/false memories. Each time I go over a thought I feel like it is more and more true. Is this common? I can't think of much else. And when I start to feel ok I think I shouldn't because I have this hanging over me . I just feel at a complete loss. I finally have found the most amazing partner in my life who wants to spend his life we me but I feel I don't deserve him after what my thoughts/false memory tell me. I hope it's false anyway. As I couldn't live with myself if it wasn't. Anyway I'm sorry for the long post I just feel so lost. Thank you. 

27 December 2014 - 22:15

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Hi Vintage lass,

Sorry no one replied to your post, I've not been on for a while so have only just seen your post.

I hope that you are okay.

You are not alone with this particular obsession, there have been many on these forums who have written about similar fears.

Have you received any treatment for your OCD? If not I suggest that you see your GP and ask for help. OCD is treatable.

5 January 2015 - 21:37

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I know this is a very common ocd fear. I'm not sure coming off your meds is a good idea; you could try a new medication. The best way to deal with this kind of ocd is with humour ( I know it sounds impossible). Say to yourself something like 'i hope I dont hit anyone ive just cleaned the car' or 'i cant afford a respray' - bizarre as it sounds, your brain will stop prioritising the thoughts and fears if u attach a new feeling to it. Even if u don't find it funny (which u wont) after a while your brain will get the message.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 8 January 2015 - 20:34

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Thank you for your reply guys! Truddles I did start some CBT but as it was private I couldn't afford to keep going for the sessions. My doctor diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder and prescribed me medication but I daren't go into detail about my thoughts etc as I don't know what he will think! The driving thoughts seem to have subsided. I took the advice of many of the posts I had read on here and stopped checking the travel news etc and these thoughts began to fade. Also such a great idea Ilostmyshoe! Making a joke out of it gives the thought less power.

With all this in mind though. The thoughts/false memories I am suffering now I don't think I could live with if they were true. I also gave up drinking as before I realised that I was suffering I would always wake up if some of the night was blurry thinking I had committed a serious crime etc. The fun during the evening is not worth the months and months of torment. People with any type of anxiety disorder should not drink/ drink v little. I am still dealing with "false memories" to this day. 

I have always wanted a job within the police force but I don't think this will be possible anymore. I used to love watching crime documentaries, dramas about crime like Dexter, whitechapel etc but I can't watch them anymore. I've also found if I read about a crime or if I watch something about a crime I start to feel guilty about it? Or if I google it I worry the police might think I've had some involvement? Completely ridiculous and illogical I know but is this common with others? 

Thank you for replying guys hope you are both ok! 

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