7 February 2020 - 19:20
It's been almost five years since I last posted here. I'm now 24 years old and have been throw so many ups and downs, but this time it feels I'm finally losing it (my mind, my future, everything).
I've had at least 10 different sorts of OCD - HOCD being the first one (first appeared when i was only 10 years old), then the OCD where i needed to constantly apologize, fear on that if I don't control my breathing I would suffocate, that I will burn the house down by accident, fear that I'm sexually attracted to my relatives, POCD and so on.
The worst OCD fears I have are the sexual ones, and they are the most often. My psychologist says I have a higher libido then others (which is possible, since I started masturbating when I was only 6 years old). I'm having a bad time coping with the fact I started having sex when I was already 21 years old. It was long relationship, almost three years with this girl and I really loved her and wanted to marry her. I've moved in with her, escaping from my parents who have produced a lot of stress in my life, with constant quarrels. Living with my parents, there were times that we were so low on cash that I remember eating potatoes, bread for days, feeling dizzy from hunger since I could afford to buy lunch at University.
Anyways I started my life with that girl and it was ok in the beggining, but things started changing about year and a half into the relationship (My OCD was crazy before I moved in with her, with constant fears of being a pedophile or cheating on my girlfriend - and by this I mean thinking of other girls while masturbating). She wasn't much into sex, but we had it relativly often. She was very supportive and understood my OCD, but we never had many topics to talk about, except the things she was studing at her university (she has no broad education). But it was beggining to be uncontralable. HOCD and POCD got mixed with the fake memory problem (I guess, another sort of OCD) and I started being affraid to leave the house alone or go anywhere alone, fearing I would act on my thoughts. I'd spend days selftesting if I'd get an erection thinking of this toughts. There where groinals, but I never felt gay or that I want to preform anything of the things I was testing myself to (HOCD didn't weaken, while I completly got over my POCD).
Then I meet again the girl I fell in love with long ago. She went out with me and my girlfriend, I started liking her again. The selftesting, fake memories and constant fear of being gay weren't leaving me. A few months later, I decided that I want to leave my current girlfriend. I started hiting on that other girl. To be honest, I did like her, but I was ashamed to have such a girlfriend, with an immoral past, who was so experienced in sex, while I only slept with one girl. On the other side, the fact she was experienced and had no fear to admit she loves sex attracted me. I broke up with my last girlfriend. The girl I liked was selfprotective, sometimes disgusting telling me stories who she loved having one night stands. She even called me sexually unatractive to her. Unatractive because I lack experience with girls. There were bad situations, but eventually we got together. I still had a hard time admiting she was my girlfriend, feeling repulsion because of her past. Images would pope in to my mind and I would feel angry.
But on the other side, for the first 3-4 months into the relationship HOCD weakened. I wasn't affraid to leave the house and go somewhere alone. I felt getting better. We would often have sex and it felt great, the way I thought sex should be. My OCD returned with the constant fear I couldn't keep an erection, but after some time I defeted this OCD.
One day, while I was walking home from my girlfriend, I saw a transvestite. It sparked fear in my mind that I will have sex with him and get AIDS. I runned home and couldn't I couldn't calm down for some time. The OCD was back and in the following days I had mental delusion of having sex in the streets with other man. I felt terrible. I started doing self test again thinking of gay thoughts. I couldn't get an erection, but there were a lot of groinals and strange feelings. I couldn't stop questening if I'm gay or not.
The worst period started more than a months ago. I was sitting in my room and all of a suden, in my mind an image of me being raped by other man in a metro station appeared. I didn't repulsion (It was an image i already tested myself to a few times) but had a strange feeling nothing was holding me back from doing that and that I would do it. I started having panic attacks. Was I living in denial all this time? How will I control this "urge" or is it a real urge? How will I live with AIDS if or when I come to live this thoughts? I kept testing myself to this thought. I didn't get erections, but had groinal responses. Sometimes I felt I would do those things. A lot of times I felt neutral. I had panic attacks. I never had the urge to watch gay porn. I do have a thing for heterosexual BDSM, but I didn't watch it. Was I having this "feelings" or feelings because it's taboo? Why don't I feel repulsion anymore?
I'm a good student, but this constant fear and self testing are ruining my life. I can't kick them off. How do I know that I'm not gay? How can I live by myself with the constant fear I will act on this thoughts? I have fake memories and some times it fears I acted on this thoughts. I'd test myself to these and normal thoughts, I'd then write down resoults (never had an erection to gay thoughts, but sometimes it felt like I started to have them), but the fake memory OCD keeps teeling me I made all of these resoults up. And it's not the erections I have fear from, it's these "feelings" or feelings. I now feel my mind is programed to act on one of this thoughts today or tommorow and that I can't do anything about it. I'm so tired of this, I don't feel I can fight it. How do I know if I'm gay or not? Is it normal that I started feeling like this, admiting to being gay after years of denial?