Can I be forgiven?

30 April 2018 - 13:00

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I'm always thinking about a particular event that happened.
Basically. I was tickling a toddler in work and then I paused and poked her chest where her nipple would be. I don't know why I done it. Then I freaked out and went over to pick a different child up and put my thumbs over his top where his nipples would be to sort of test myself?

I went crazy after that incident, I got so low that I wanted to kill myself. I don't want to be a child molestor.

Anyway. A couple months and I felt better with the meds I'm on and from talking to mental health team.

I went back to work. I changed a nappy on a boy, his willy got "hard" as I was cleaning him up. I then put a new nappy on him and I kinda had to tap the nappy on the front to check to see if he still was hard. I don't know what made me need to do this.
I felt horrible.

I dont fancy children. I don't want to hurt children. But whenever I do something I always second guess it.
E.g. i was hugging a toddler who only had his nappy on. Turned him over to hand to another member of staff and I noticed my hands were on his nipples and I was like omg did I do that deliberately. Why do I feel the urge to give him a cuddle. Is it because he's only got a nappy on.

I just wish these thoughts would go away.
I like older men. Not children. I'd rather die than ever intentionally harm a child.

30 April 2018 - 14:45

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Dont test yourself you are feeding the ocd this is what it wants you to do. It wont go away until u stop giving it attention. I know its hard but it works if u read through my older post i was going through hell. And now after cbt and know how to control myself i can finally say im in control of my ocd. Pls just try ignore it x

30 April 2018 - 16:34

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Everything OCD hell says. Ignoring the thoughts is the best way to beat it. I'd also suggest scripting where you record the event that might have taken place and listen to it over and over again. The anxiety will increase, you just don't do your compulsions. Are you seeing a therapist now? If not I highly suggest that you do as soon as possible. 

30 April 2018 - 16:51

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I am on a waiting list for therapy.
I was paying for one before but didn't think he was all that good.

I do try to ignore the thoughts and just accept them. I don't have my OCD as bad as I did before. But I just can't let go of those things I done.
It's all I think about, think about how id tell my future partner about it.

1 May 2018 - 20:26

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The flip side of that coin is, why would your future partner have to know? We all have things we don't tell people. And even if you did tell them, whose to say they would react in a bad way? And even if they did react in a bad way, would you really want to be with someone who doesn't understand you have a mental illness?

1 May 2018 - 22:26

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Hey there. Calm down. It's okay. You are definitely not a child abuser, not at all, and you are nothing like people who abuse children. The child was not hurt by what you did, they probably did not even notice and if they did I am sure they didn't care because they knew you were never going to hurt them. You are definitely a good person, don't ask me how I know, I just do. I have read a lot of your posts here over the last couple of months and I can tell you are one of the good ones in the world. Please let yourself have some peace, you deserve it. Nothing is wrong, no one was hurt, you are a worthy person.

1 May 2018 - 23:17

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I agree with radshack too. You don't have to tell people about this. Not because you should be ashamed, but because we all have things that we keep to ourselves, and as hard as it is to believe, your partner will have things that they might fear you would judge them for that they might not want to talk about. People make mistakes, we're human. That's the really the only thing I've found that helps me. 

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