30 April 2018 - 13:00
I'm always thinking about a particular event that happened.
Basically. I was tickling a toddler in work and then I paused and poked her chest where her nipple would be. I don't know why I done it. Then I freaked out and went over to pick a different child up and put my thumbs over his top where his nipples would be to sort of test myself?
I went crazy after that incident, I got so low that I wanted to kill myself. I don't want to be a child molestor.
Anyway. A couple months and I felt better with the meds I'm on and from talking to mental health team.
I went back to work. I changed a nappy on a boy, his willy got "hard" as I was cleaning him up. I then put a new nappy on him and I kinda had to tap the nappy on the front to check to see if he still was hard. I don't know what made me need to do this.
I felt horrible.
I dont fancy children. I don't want to hurt children. But whenever I do something I always second guess it.
E.g. i was hugging a toddler who only had his nappy on. Turned him over to hand to another member of staff and I noticed my hands were on his nipples and I was like omg did I do that deliberately. Why do I feel the urge to give him a cuddle. Is it because he's only got a nappy on.
I just wish these thoughts would go away.
I like older men. Not children. I'd rather die than ever intentionally harm a child.