Awful harm OCD and anxiety disorder after nightmares / Can you not remember that you killed someone?

17 August 2019 - 11:42

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Hello everyone, I need help regarding my harm OCD and anxiety disorder. First of all -  please excuse my language mistakes as I am not a native english speaker. Second important thing is, that I suffer from heavy OCD and regular nightmares from early childhood.

Last December I had a terrifying nightmare - I dreamt that I was in a room, everything was kinda blurry and I saw a dead body buried just slightly below ground. It wouldn't be especially scary, but then I heard my own (?) voice telling me "oh my God, it really happened" and I woke up, covered in sweat. From that day I suffer from heavy anxiety disorder, my psychiatrist prescribed me medications, which I took around 4 months. I felt kind of better - then, around 04.08 I had another nightmare or - as I would call it - a "night vision", which woke me up immediately. I saw myself in a dark room, beding over a body wrapped in black plastic bag, with some papers lying around. Problem is, I have a strong feeling that I saw this scene years ago, but I am not sure if this was a dream or if it is a real event. I was awfully scared again, my anxiety and harm OCD returned immediately.

Now I constantly fear that I hurt someone in the past (murdered or something like that), hid their body and forgot about it. I am spending many hours thinking about it, I ask myself "can you say where it was? can you say who it was? can you say when it happened?", but I have no answers. 

Is it possible that I really killed/hurt someone and forgot about it completely, to the point I have no memories about it and one memory came back to me after many years? Or is it possible that my mind just remembered one nightmare I had years ago and "played" it once again in my head? How can I be sure? How to distinguish a memory of a real event from a memory of a nightmare? 

I checked almost everything from last years, I came up with nothing. I checked my social media, my mails, my browser search, I looked at pictures - nothing is implying that I was particulary scared of something like that in the past. But I still question myself - maybe I tried to forget about it? Maybe I tried to live with the fact I did something horrible and just count on that, that the police won't find me or any evidence against me? But if that was true, then I question myself as well if I wouldn't have such trauma then as I have now. 

Is there anyone here who has similar problem or heard about something like that? It kills me, literally - I eat almost nothing, I cannot function normally - I need help. I must be sure that I didn't kill/hurt anyone. Please help me if you can. Thank you.

18 August 2019 - 12:53

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Is there really no one who could help me? Please, I'm on the edge of insanity, I'm currently thinking about suicide and damnation. 

This post has been thanked 1 time. 19 August 2019 - 20:43

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Although it’s not the same theme, im dealing with this form of OCD about something else and it is terrible, so I completely understand where you’re coming from. False memory OCD is absolutely horrible.

I haven’t recovered as of yet, some days are better than others and I have some clarity, some days the thoughts are debilitating and I can’t function.

Are you seeing any therapist? If not I highly suggest that you look in to seeing one, it could really help you. If you’re having suicidal thoughts PLEASE seek help, this will pass in time and your life isn’t worth throwing away over thoughts that you cannot help. This is your disorder bullying you, it’s not based on your actions!

Feel free to message me if you would like to talk, I really hope you feel better soon 

22 August 2019 - 16:46

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Hello Greendolphin, thank you for your answer, it means a lot to me. Still, I am horribly worried I might have done that. There's no certainty I haven't. I have a foggy memory of buring a body, but no concrete memory of killing anyone. I have no idea whoe could that be, where could I have done it or when, but this image keeps coming back to me. At the moment I'm on medication, but i'm still not ready for any talk with a therapist. I'm scared. How can I be sure what did I do in the past? I know I was worried about something many years ago but not that much. This situation is worse than any nightmare.

This post has been thanked 1 time. 22 August 2019 - 17:11

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This is a message from the forum moderators. As this is a peer-to-peer support forum, we usually don't comment publicly on topics.

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