17 August 2019 - 11:42
Hello everyone, I need help regarding my harm OCD and anxiety disorder. First of all - please excuse my language mistakes as I am not a native english speaker. Second important thing is, that I suffer from heavy OCD and regular nightmares from early childhood.
Last December I had a terrifying nightmare - I dreamt that I was in a room, everything was kinda blurry and I saw a dead body buried just slightly below ground. It wouldn't be especially scary, but then I heard my own (?) voice telling me "oh my God, it really happened" and I woke up, covered in sweat. From that day I suffer from heavy anxiety disorder, my psychiatrist prescribed me medications, which I took around 4 months. I felt kind of better - then, around 04.08 I had another nightmare or - as I would call it - a "night vision", which woke me up immediately. I saw myself in a dark room, beding over a body wrapped in black plastic bag, with some papers lying around. Problem is, I have a strong feeling that I saw this scene years ago, but I am not sure if this was a dream or if it is a real event. I was awfully scared again, my anxiety and harm OCD returned immediately.
Now I constantly fear that I hurt someone in the past (murdered or something like that), hid their body and forgot about it. I am spending many hours thinking about it, I ask myself "can you say where it was? can you say who it was? can you say when it happened?", but I have no answers.
Is it possible that I really killed/hurt someone and forgot about it completely, to the point I have no memories about it and one memory came back to me after many years? Or is it possible that my mind just remembered one nightmare I had years ago and "played" it once again in my head? How can I be sure? How to distinguish a memory of a real event from a memory of a nightmare?
I checked almost everything from last years, I came up with nothing. I checked my social media, my mails, my browser search, I looked at pictures - nothing is implying that I was particulary scared of something like that in the past. But I still question myself - maybe I tried to forget about it? Maybe I tried to live with the fact I did something horrible and just count on that, that the police won't find me or any evidence against me? But if that was true, then I question myself as well if I wouldn't have such trauma then as I have now.
Is there anyone here who has similar problem or heard about something like that? It kills me, literally - I eat almost nothing, I cannot function normally - I need help. I must be sure that I didn't kill/hurt anyone. Please help me if you can. Thank you.