14 July 2019 - 16:48
Do you think it’s ok to get confused between a child and adult who look very aesthetically similar during masturbation? Like this one time I was at it and I was thinking about this one girl in particular who is 17/18, the same as me, and prior to this occurrence I’d been having OCD fuelled sexual thoughts about this little girl I’d seen in a film. She must have been about 5 or 6. The thing is this little girl really is a small version of the older girl I was fantasising over; both have long blonde hair, golden skin, blue eyes, similar nose, cheeks and face shape. They looked the same, the major difference of course being their age.
So I was masturbating over the 18 year old girl, and before I get to the main premise of the story let me just disclaim that I am not a pedophile, I have no sexual interest in children and although I try not to judge non-offending pedophiles because it is not their fault they have been inflicted with this disease, there is nothing in this world that repulses me more than the concept of pedophilia. So anyway, as I was fantasising over this 18 year old girl, the thought of the young girl just kind of came into my head, which I think must have been OCD induced- as I said I’d been having OCD over her prior to this happening, constant checking to see if I was aroused by her and feeling like I indeed was etc. (I know I wasn’t). And so it took my brain kind of a while to realise who exactly it was who had come into my head, I could just see the features that made her a girl that could’ve been any age, and that made her look like the 18 year old. I was there thinking “who is that”, and it was as if my body was reacting to the aesthetics of the girl, and when you pair that with the fact that I’d been having unwanted sexual thoughts involving her for a few days just recently before this, I saw all these features as a potential for attraction. I then realised who it was who had came into my head, and the moment I did I stopped thinking about her, not out of guilt or embarrassment or shame, but merely the fact that once I can see a child in full form and be aware that it’s a child, I am not able to feel attracted to them.
So this happened some time ago now and it’s only recently started making me feel ill; I never worried about it before because I knew logically that aesthetic attraction exists for every human being and sometimes- especially during those heated moments- your body just gets things a bit wrong. Surely a straight man can be look at a man who looks very feminine, and for that brief moment where he’s not aware of his gender, he can be aroused. Is the same logic not applicable to people who are underage? But now I’m not so confident. I just feel so sick and disgusted and panicked by the fact that I ever saw potential attraction in someone that young, even if it went as soon as I saw them in full form. I know I’m not a weirdo, I know I’m not a pedophile, so does that not mean this must just be a normal occurrence? Please help me, I’m on the verge of tears at this point but I want an honest answer. Thank you.