What if OCD is Right

17 October 2014 - 21:46

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Recently I have started to feel low in mood, so much so I've had to take time of work which I've never had to do before and come and stay with family.  The doctors have suggested I go back on fluoxetine however I'm worried Im just blocking out thoughts that are RIGHT to have.

Im a gay male and its playing on my mind that Im going to hell when I die.  I didnt think I believed in God but even if theres a 0.000000001% chance I cant risk going to hell.  If I end up being celibate and there is no God I'll never know as I'll just be dead, so will have no regrets.  Whereas if I was right I'll be rewarded in heaven.

I've spent hours on the internet researching Christianity and religion and one of my other thoughts is that I am too greedy and shouldn't have possessions and give my money to others less fortunate.  Something else which the bible says.  Maybe my OCD isnt OCD and I just think differently to other people and because of the way society is (having possessions, doing what we feel makes us happy) I've been labelled as the "mad" one, but what if Im right and everyone else is wrong.

What if Im just getting upset because my life is going to have to change, but sometimes thats the test and trials you have to go through.  Everyone keeps telling me Im wrong, but maybe its because they just dont realise because that is what the world has become.  We shouldn't be doing things to make us happy just because we want to, we should be doing what is right and not being so selfish/

As I said Im struggling because its upsetting to think my life is changing and most importantly that I'll never be in a relationship, be intimate or close to another man like I've always wanted, but maybe again thats just society saying thats what we should strive for.  

My family are upset and want me to take fluoxetine but I dont want to get rid of the thoughts and become like everyone else, maybe I have realised something and I should keep the thoughts.  Getting rid of them only means I forget but doesnt stop my chances of going to hell

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18 October 2014 - 9:59

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Hello Pinkbook.  I was amazed to read your post as it describes my worst OCD fear....fear if being judged by God and thrown into hell. I can only give you my story on this, hope it helps..

Underneath all my OCD thoughts is the fear of being hurt, by being abandoned by God and if course, I can never test this like you can relate to...I have to wait till I die!!! I had lots of religion in early years and God was to be feared.....I now challenge this and work in my own spirituality...BUT I cannot get rid of the What If I am wrong thoughts, like you, scares me stupid. Not on meds either as I think facing this fear is important even if it seems silly to others....

.....and so I did and i do 2 things now. I work hard to develop a belief in 'something bigger than me', spiritually not religion, and with help I confronted my anxiety...so what if I'm abandoned by God, what would I do? Ok, so it sounds silly to others but this is OCD remember..And I just came to the conclusion that no matter how condemned I am, was, I knew what real love felt like. The love from my family for instance, and so this being condemned didn't feel like real love to me so what was I missing? I stress this is my take on my fears but maybe it will help to know someone else struggles with fear if being wrong deep down...and we are not wrong, we are fallible human being....!

18 October 2014 - 11:52

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Thanks for your reply, yes it does help to know someone else has similar thoughts

I suppose Im just struggling as I feel I've got to have a life of celibacy and never be with someone because Im gay.  But maybe thats just my selfish desires and once I get rid of them I will be ok.  I dont want to waste my life but then I dont want to go to hell either so maybe its just something I've got to do

Just what is thoughts are labelled OCD because its different from everyone else.  What if my thoughts are right and people are just trying to get rid of them for me because they disagree with their own thoughts.  Monks live without money and sex so why cant I?

This post has been thanked 1 time. 18 October 2014 - 13:31

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Just thinking after reading your post... Who says, apart from your OCD thoughts, that you will go to Hell? Has  God actually told you in person? It's like you are in a no win place....alone if you listen to your OCD, or alone in Hell if you don't?  ..

I have had to accept that I will NEVER feel 100% sure, OCD is called the Doubting disease, so any position I take will never feel safe. That's called being human, none if us know for sure.....we all have to take a risk and be ourselves. I guess it kind of boils down to do we deserve to be loved, or not? I still struggle with being me however, the more I am, the less anxious it feels.....keep talking

18 October 2014 - 13:59

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I suppose even if I feel its ok for me to be gay and be happy, as I have been in the past.  I cant risk that 0.00001% chance its wrong.  So why not just live the next 50 years as lonely because then the option after is either just death/nothing or heaven.  Better than being happy for 50 years and risking hell.  I feel bad for even mentioning it incase others start to think how I do and have the burden

This post has been thanked 1 time. 18 October 2014 - 14:19

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Hi Pinkbook

Not sure where you live but in some countries there are Christian gay groups. Would it help you if you contacted them?

18 October 2014 - 14:46

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Thanks for your reply.  I had thought about that but am worried I am just changing what the bible actually says to suit my own needs so I can be selfishly happy.  I've been out for 9 years and it wasnt something which cropped up when I came out but just something which has popped into my head recently

19 October 2014 - 18:46

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Your first post says that you did not believe in God but you cannot take the risk and your last post that the thought of damnation just popped into your head. All the major religions are divided into denominations and various sects and presumably these divisions are based on profound theological arguments. So why not engage in a group with a particular interpretation of a sacred text?  What triggered your search into religion?

20 October 2014 - 15:42

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Not too sure where its come from.  Its always been at the back of my mind

I just feel I cant risk going to hell, even if it was just one religion saying it, regardless of whether I truly believe in it, I cant take the risk that it could be a possibility so maybe I've just got to live a life of celibacy.  It might be hard but at least I avoid going to hell I hope.

Also its made me think I'd give anything to be happy and be able to have a relationship with a man like I want.  Which has then made me realise TV, luxury food, furniture, clothes etc aren't that important, all that feels important at the moment is I wish I could be with someone I love.  Maybe therefore this whole process of abstaining has made me realise that I should be giving more to charity and stop being so selfish and maybe thats the whole point of why I shouldnt be gay, because its made me selfish.  I dont really need all the things I have, they aren't that important.  

So maybe I need to carry on in this path as much as it hurts, sometimes the best and right thing to do isnt always the easiest. 

20 October 2014 - 18:01

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Hi Pinkbook....I guess your choice to abstain and deny is safe. No risk. No doubt. That seems to be your goal.....? I guess we all have to make choices about how we live.

For me OCD will always make me feel unsafe, unsure and doubt. I know that no matter how much reassurance I get...OCD will ALWAYS throw up some thought. I now have to admit defeat, I'm human, I'm limited, I'm flawed, not an excuse, my reality...and I will take the consequences....yes, it's not easy to choose. Take care.

20 October 2014 - 22:00

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Thanks for your help everyone.  Its one of the worst periods I've ever had and I just feel Im going to have to live my life with restrictions in order to avoid hell and I've just got to get used to it.  Worse things happen to people, I just feel like im grieving atm and need to get past it

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