17 October 2014 - 21:46
Recently I have started to feel low in mood, so much so I've had to take time of work which I've never had to do before and come and stay with family. The doctors have suggested I go back on fluoxetine however I'm worried Im just blocking out thoughts that are RIGHT to have.
Im a gay male and its playing on my mind that Im going to hell when I die. I didnt think I believed in God but even if theres a 0.000000001% chance I cant risk going to hell. If I end up being celibate and there is no God I'll never know as I'll just be dead, so will have no regrets. Whereas if I was right I'll be rewarded in heaven.
I've spent hours on the internet researching Christianity and religion and one of my other thoughts is that I am too greedy and shouldn't have possessions and give my money to others less fortunate. Something else which the bible says. Maybe my OCD isnt OCD and I just think differently to other people and because of the way society is (having possessions, doing what we feel makes us happy) I've been labelled as the "mad" one, but what if Im right and everyone else is wrong.
What if Im just getting upset because my life is going to have to change, but sometimes thats the test and trials you have to go through. Everyone keeps telling me Im wrong, but maybe its because they just dont realise because that is what the world has become. We shouldn't be doing things to make us happy just because we want to, we should be doing what is right and not being so selfish/
As I said Im struggling because its upsetting to think my life is changing and most importantly that I'll never be in a relationship, be intimate or close to another man like I've always wanted, but maybe again thats just society saying thats what we should strive for.
My family are upset and want me to take fluoxetine but I dont want to get rid of the thoughts and become like everyone else, maybe I have realised something and I should keep the thoughts. Getting rid of them only means I forget but doesnt stop my chances of going to hell